Don't Deny Me

"Oh my god." I tugged the fluffy towel close to my body and sighed. Water slid down my arm sensually, erupting my flesh in goosebumps. My heart began to pound as if on attack. I took some deep breaths to regulate it but it wasn't working as well as I had hoped. "Please not today." I pleaded with myself, squatting in the towel to help slow my heart to a regular rate. It wasn't going to work though. My mind was going to betray me and make me think of my past.

I'm sure it's confusing to you why I would panic like this when nothing happened between Syn and I. When I was a young girl something happened to me. Something not very pleasant.

As a child, my mom would take me to my great aunts house. This was fine. I had cousins to play with and a house where I could come and do my homework as my mother worked. I wasn't entirely sure how old I was when everything started. I kept coming up with the ages six or seven when I tried hard to think about it.

Anyway, I had an older cousin who was about ten years my senior. He started to show interest in me though one day. Young children love to get the approval of teenagers so I was obviously happy I was getting some attention. It wasn't the kind of attention I wanted.

He touched me where I knew it wasn't right. Even if I didn't know why, I knew what he was doing to me was wrong. After that first day of him exploring my very young body, things got worse as he thought it was ok as I didn't protest. I remember trying to cut at my skin because I was so scared and so confused as to why all this was happening. Most of all, I remember trying to hurt myself because I was so alone. Even as a child, I knew I was alone in my abuse.

He would call me to a dark room, sometimes reaching into my panties. Sometimes rubbing his dick against my ass or sometimes he would jack off using me as some kind of porn material. I could almost hear the way he panted in my ear, I shuddered.

Synyster didn't mean to I'm sure, but he had a look of hunger in his eyes that brought me back to those memories. That look of lust that would get a girls heart racing, made my heart pound in fear. I felt my nails dig into the palm of my hands, wishing I could just be a normal girl. That I wouldn't be so scared around a man.

I rubbed at my arms, head hurting as memories I'd fought had begun to resurface. My hair was stringy in my face. I wondered how long I had been squatting on the floor like I was, lost in some horrid memory. Realizing I must look like shit, I hurried to where I left my fresh clothes and makeup and changed.

-----

It was about an hour until Avenged were to go on, my brother's band did great if sales in his merchandise booth said anything. I was doing some final clean up with Bree when I noticed the way he looked at me.

"What's up, babe?" I asked, brushing hair out of my face. I put some remaining shirts and pins into a cardboard box.

Bree did the same, "You seem sad today. Are you ok?"

I bit my lip from the inside, my eyes looking anywhere but his. "I've been thinking about when I was little." I managed, pulling a chair to sit down. My hands immediately began to play with a string from my ripped jeans.

"I had a feeling that was it. What got you thinking about that?" Bree's eyes were full of concern, he kneeled before me like I was a child.

Sighing, I tried to smile but that only made it easier for my tears to come out.

One slid down my cheek and Bree hugged me to him instinctively.

"What happened today?" he asked in my hair, soothingly rubbing my back.

"Nothing really, I came out of the shower and I saw Syn-"

"Did that asshole hurt you or touch you?!" Bree screeched, making me look him in the eyes. His eyes were blazing fire, reminding me of a mother tiger.

I laughed sadly, "No, not at all. He said he heard me singing. I felt myself begin to freak out so I yelled at him to leave. He ran out of the bathroom. After that I started to think of what would happen to me." I explained, feeling shame and disgust at myself for letting my cousin abuse me for so long.

This made the tears come down faster.

I expressed how I felt to Bree and was surprised at how quickly he held me at arms length to look at my face.

"Don't you ever blame yourself!. You were a child for Christ's sake! That was not your fault, darling. He was, and most likely still is, sick." his voice was hard like he was scolding me but his eyes hurt for me. I saw the same look in the eyes of whoever I told about the incident.

"I know but I can't help but feel disgusted about myself." I whispered, I wondered if he even heard me since the kids just beyond our little table were happily talking about my brothers bandmates.

"In time, you'll see that there is no point in hating yourself for someone else's sick mind." Bree hugged me to his chest and said this in my ear.

I hugged him like my life hung in the balance. Like if I didn't my whole being would fall apart and scatter. This was why I had so few male friends. This dark secret of mine was why I so heavily prized my appearance.

"Are you guys ok?" a female voice, sort of husky wondered worriedly.

I broke apart from my best friend and wiped at my eyes quickly, sniffing as I fixed my hair.

"Yeah, sorry some PMS." I laughed it off and smiled bright.

Valentina looked a little confused but shrugged it off. "Hey Avenged is gonna start soon. Want to come with me in the pit?" she smiled and gestured to the stage in the distance.

I looked at Bree who shook his head with a smile on his face. "I'm not going, but you should go have some fun. With all that.. PMS.. I'm sure you could fuck some people up." Bree winked a nudged me.

I took a deep breath and nodded to Valentina. "Let's go."