Don't Deny Me

Before the show started, I managed to catch the eye of someone I was really not in the mood to see.

Lucca swaggered over to where I was fiddling with one of my guitars. When that smug asshole realized I was glaring daggers at him, his posture changed. It became much more submissive. I openly smirked.

There was no way this little shit was going to try anything with me. "You could have fucked up the whole tour you know." I called smugly, my fingers instinctively playing a solo that many young fans struggled to play.

Lucca stopped mid step, tensing and I'm sure, praying to God that I wouldn't try to fight him.

"I had my reasons for what I did." He responded, not turning to face me but not walking away either. Coward.

My muscles tensed, anger and frustration quickly clouded my mind. He wasn't responding how I wanted.

"And what was that? To look like a pussy?" I stopped fiddling with the guitar, took the strap off myself and placed the guitar gently against the wall.

Lucca turned slowly to face me now. His eyes were on fire but his body had relaxed. "I was drunk that night and mouthed off but I won't deny how I felt. I was jealous. Lexie and I are close, I didn't want some new older guys to take her attention. If that makes me a pussy because I had emotions then so be it." He folded his arms over his chest and shrugged.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Are you trying to play the saint? Lexie isn't here man, you don't have to fucking pretend." I fumed, allowing myself to walk up to the bassist. I wanted this to become violent and physical.

Something in Lucca's eyes gave him away. "Ok, let's cut the shit. I don't fucking like you. I don't fucking trust you. I hate the way you look at Lexie. If you try anything with her, I won't hesitate to fuck you up." Lucca growled, at last giving me what I wanted.

I smirked, "I've been threatened one to many times tonight. Maybe once I fuck the shit out of everyone's precious Lexie everyone will back off. I'm sure the virgin factor is what everyone wants." With that I hit him.

He didn't go down, no, he was sober now. His fists were accurate and he was coordinated now.

But goddamn did I still have the same kind of anger I had in me the other night when I punched him out.

How dare this kid talk shit about my best friend? How dare he say Jimmy wasn't trustworthy and how dare he think that I was just going to take his insults?

I don't know how long we fought, I just remember strong arms wrapping around me and pulling me away.

"Control yourself goddamn it!" I heard someone yell. I was sure they were talking to me.

I felt myself laugh. "No, let us fight." I tried to plead but as an answer I got a firm punch to the gut.

"That wasn't Lucca, Lucca hits like a bitch!" I was almost belligerent in my anger.

"I fucking told you I would mess you up if you tried to fuck up this tour." Matt was in my face now and I expected his hard and fierce punch but it never came. I was kind of disappointed that it didn't.

"We have a show to put on. Get your shit together to play in 10 minutes." was all he said. I would say spit really since it sounded like he wanted nothing more to do with me. For a moment, I was me again. Looking at the mess Lucca and I had made, I couldn't help but feel ashamed of myself.

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As the show began, you would never guess that Matt and I were having issues backstage or that Jimmy was disappointed in me. We all played fluidly as a unit.

It felt unnatural for me to not be guarded on the stage but I decided I would give it a shot and see what happened. Maybe Brian Haner Jr. wanted to perform instead of Syn.

We had just finished up Bat Country and I knew the next song in the setlist would be Second Heartbeat. As soon as Matt teased the crowd for it, we began. The way the crowd screamed, there are really no words to describe it. I felt myself smile and not smirk, a group of women screamed louder.

For the first time in a long time, I was me and I liked it.

My eyes scanned the faces not far from me, I wasn't too surprised to see a mosh pit. What did surprise me, was who was in it. Lexie was running around and shoving men twice her size, laughing and rocking out.

It was at first amusing but I found myself nervous. I would hate to see her get hurt.

As soon as I thought it, my mood suddenly went sour. I felt myself beginning to turn, begging to throw up a shield, beginning to clam up.

I fought that instinct but didn't get too far, before I could think rationally, I was gone. Syn had taken over and stolen my solo.

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After the set was done and we took our bows and tossed remaining picks to the crowd, I headed toward my waiting drink. I took a hearty sip, what was in it wasn't too important to me.

"Ok, now that I'm free to kick your ass," Matt announced and surprised me with a quick and powerful shot to my jaw. Son of a bitch was a fighter that was for damn sure.

My red cup had fallen out of my hands as I immediately clutched my face. The throbbing and no doubt, angry red splotch I was going to have was all I could think of. Until that is, I fought myself and my impulses.

"Remind me never to piss you off again." I chuckled, moving my jaw around gingerly. Matt was less than amused.

"Are you seriously going to act like everything is ok?" His voice held contempt and fury, surprisingly I was calm through all this.

"Grow up man." he sighed, glancing at the roadies who gathered to watch then walked off alone.

The roadies stared at me for a moment before slowly going back to work.

Zack and Johnny tried to help me in any way they could but knowing now how I've been acting. I didn't feel right accepting it.

"Thanks guys but I'll be good on my own." I tried to smile reassuringly but my face was pounding.

They exchanged worried glances but nodded and left.

All that was there now was Jimmy.

"When will you go back to being my friend again?" was all he said.

It was all he needed to say. It made me hate myself, but it made me want to fix things. Before he could walk away, I caught his arm and sighed. "I know how I've been and I'm sorry. I've been a dick for way too long. You're my best friend and I want your help." I pleaded earnestly.

Unfortunately for me, Jimmy just couldn't hear me out tonight. He would need time to forgive me for ruining myself and he had no problem telling me so.

"We'll talk soon, not tonight though. Played great tonight, Gates." Jimmy smiled and for once, it didn't reach those crystal blue eyes of his.

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I had showered and changed into some casual clothes, plain black v-neck, ripped jeans and my favorite pair of Nikes. The bus was quiet tonight. My bandmates had decided to sleep early, choosing to avoid me for as long as they could I was sure.

Boy, had I really messed up now.

Deciding I wouldn't get much sleep, I picked up Zack's acoustic guitar and strummed lightly. I didn't want to wake everyone and be public enemy number one.

As I randomly played whatever my fingers wanted, I felt my eyes glaze over, I shuffled through memories until I found one I wanted to visit.

I felt my body wince as my mind had traitorously picked a particularly unpleasant memory.

It was a warm summer night and a barbecue was being hosted at Matt's inviting house. We were celebrating Matt's 26th birthday with a nice get together of our closest friends.

After swimming all day and sunbathing, I wanted a nice place to sit and relax until we started drinking again.

As I sat and watched my friends swim and laugh, still playing Chicken in the pool, I sighed wondering how I had gotten so lucky to live this life.

"I hope you aren't sighing from sadness." A female voice stated, at first the statement was threatening but her tone was light and teasing.

"No, the opposite actually." I laughed, looking up at who I was talking too.

Her flirtatious eyes sparkled as she took me in. I'm sure I had the same fascination with her. Little did I know, she wasn't the love at first sight type.

"I'm Val's sister. I know we've met before but you guys are so famous now you might have forgotten about me." she sat in a lounge chair beside me and took a sip of her drink.

I had to remind myself to breathe. "I could never forget you, Michelle."

She smiled shyly and managed to blush.

"You're a cute little thing. Why are you here alone?" Her voice was smooth and warm though a little husky. The sound was intoxicating.

"I could ask you the same thing." I answered confidently, Michelle made me realize that I hadn't exactly been living the "rockstar life" when it came to women. I could count the amount I had slept with on one hand.

Michelle giggled as her eyes widened in amusement. Much like a cat who watched the mouse try to hiss.

"Brian, let me tell you something I don't tell many young men." she sat up to lean close to me, wanting all of my attention.

Her lips had come so close I could feel her breath on my neck.

"My innocent sister is the lace, I'm the leather. I was hoping you would help me in fulfilling some needs I had that concern you." she whispered seductively.

I felt my blood rush south and by the wideness of her eyes, she saw it too. I gulped and felt myself smirk.

"I - I would love to help a woman in need." I swallowed and tried to get up to follow her.

"I was hoping you'd say that. C'mon doll, let's see what you have in store for me." with a wink, she pulled me into the house, up the stairs and into a dimly lit room.

That's all I would allow myself to remember, at least this night. I didn't feel the need to reopen old wounds.