Don't Deny Me

"You need to lighten up." Zack shoved me as we sat down on the picnic style bench of a Mexican restaurant. I gave him a silent one fingered salute as I quickly glanced over my menu. The rest of my band mates began to sit and a table away I saw Lexie sit with her brother and Bree. Our eyes met for a moment but only for a second. I couldn't stand being stared at by those eyes of hers.

I can't believe I had a chance to make a move and I didn't.

"Seriously dude, you've been weird all morning." Johnny added as he began crunching away on some chips that were at the table. His hair flopped in his face as his jaw worked.

"What do you mean all morning? He's always in a strange mood." Matt chimed in as he usually did. Smirking at him, I remained silent. I tried to tell myself that I could make it at least one day without retreating into myself but so far I wasn't doing too well with that.

It wasn't until Jim nudged me and winked, did I want to talk.

"Wanna talk?" he spoke low, gently, like he knew I was fighting my pride. Sighing, I nodded slowly. Taking a chip with salsa into my mouth, I thought about how I was going to vent to my best friend. I didn't want to come off sounding like I had been thinking about my stupid flub all night.

"I choked dude, I haven't choked since middle school." I blurted out in hushed hysteria. So much for trying to sound like I wasn't desperate or anything.

Everyone at our table was calm and ordering but here my best friend was, turning red with the laughter he wanted to spew in my face. It was written all over his squished face.

"Laugh, I know you want to." I let my hand rake through my hair, disappointed in myself and with how much this was bothering me.

Jimmy cracked. His whole body shook with such vigorous laughter I couldn't help but feel slightly insulted. What was so goddamn funny about my inner turmoil?!

I asked him as much as he had to take several gulps of water before he could calm down. Finally, his color returned to normal and his hysterics became small chuckles.

"I'm sorry, dude, I can't believe you have emotion." Jimmy wiped at his eyes and drank some more water. My eyes narrowed into annoyed slits.

"If I knew you were going to fuck with me, I wouldn't have said anything." I grumbled and began to turn away but he clasped my shoulder with his massive hand, reeling me back.

"Oh stop being so sensitive, tell me what you mean." He rolled his big blue eyes playfully, his glasses became filled with some dark hair strands. He blew a breath of air towards his brow but it wasn't doing what he wanted so he manually moved the pieces of his hair.

"Last night. Lexie and I were talking kind of." I swallowed, my eyes looking around self consciously.

"There was a moment when I could have... made a move. I didn't." I finally met Jimmy's eyes to see they were amused but thoughtful at the same time. I wanted to say more, to defend myself but I didn't know what.

Our food came out quicker than I would have thought, I pushed around my beans with my fork and played around with my burrito.

"I didn't know you liked her."

After all that fucking thinking, that's what came out of Jimmy's lips. I pinched the bridge of my nose, my eyes squeezed shut as I sighed.

"No, I'm pissed off that I didn't allow myself a chance to score."

I looked around the table to see my friends chowing down. Beans, rice and tortillas were being mixed as salsa was passed from person to person. They all seemed carefree and happy. Why wasn't I?

Oh that's right, because I hadn't had sex in a week.

"You sure you don't have some feelings? I don't know you to pass up a deal to score with a girl." Jimmy insisted, stuffing a taco into his mouth. His eyes were teasing but I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

I dug into my hearty burrito, immediately satisfied by the expressive and authentic taste. My eyes caught with Lexie's again, we were both mid bite. She blushed and looked away, her best friend turned to her to speak just as mine did.

"I think you're catching feelings." Jimmy winked at me as he seductively licked around his open taco.

For the first time that day, I felt myself laugh, "Shut up you sick fucker."

-------

We had the day off as we made our way from California to New Mexico.

As the bus thundered on, I felt myself become more and more irritated. Why would I back off? What could possibly be the reasoning?

Whatever the reason, I knew I wouldn't find an answer anytime soon.

Without even really thinking about it, I made my way to the driver and asked if he wouldn't mind letting us stop at a bar or something so I could get rid of my frustrations.

Luckily our bus driver knew exactly what I was going through and would allow us a few hours at a local bar.

That wouldn't be until night fall and that wasn't for a few hours.

Nothing to do now but hang out with my friends and try to keep out of Lexie's path.

There was a big cluster of people around one of the bunks. I realized it was the guys buzzing about how Lexie could play an instrument. Guitar from the sound of it. And apparently she had a decent voice.

I knew that already though. I felt my cheeks lightly tingle at the memory of seeing her in the towel.

Matt was talking about maybe doing some kind of demo collaboration with Lexie when we were all off tour. I heard Lexie giggle excitedly and I felt myself smile but I didn't feel like getting all giddy when I had such a confusing internal problem.

I was able to get to my bunk and put on my headphones. I was tired of my music so I retreated into Pandora.

It wasn't long before I drifted off in to a restless sleep.

"When will you be back?" I knew I was started to bug her but I couldn't help it, I wanted her here with me. My eyes wavered back and forth as she paced the room looking as beautiful as ever.

Her shoes raised her a good three inches and her new black dress did little to hide her body like I wished it would.

Michelle was busy fixing her makeup and checking to see if anyone was outside the house we were sharing.

"Later, doll." She said as she couldn't decide what to do with her hair.

I tried to drink my beer but I was too tense. "You're going out with who again?" I couldn't stop myself.

Michelle sighed, stopped what she was doing and came to stand in front of me.

"I'm seeing a guy I met the other night. Why are you being like this? You knew what you signed up for." Michelle didn't seem too pleased with my new clingy attitude but she wasn't cruel in her answer either. She only seemed concerned.

"Michelle, don't go. Please just stay here with me. I can make you happy. You don't need to waste your time with other guys." I pleaded, practically wrapping myself around her legs.

Now she was annoyed, "Brian, please." She brought me up by my arm to stare at me. I knew how I looked in her eyes. I was pathetic but she still found some shred of love for me.

"This is supposed to be for fun, doll. I thought you wanted that." she cooed as she hugged me to her lightly. I knew it was because she didn't want to smell to much like me if this guy ended up having something about him that she liked.

I did want fun, but I wanted it to be with just us. Michelle was a prize, one I thought I would get to cherish exclusively.

A honk sounded in the distance calling for Michelle.

"I have to run. I'll see you later. Don't wait up." Michelle raced out the door after spritzing on some perfume.

For her the night had endless possibilities and partners. For me, my night would be filled with endless worrying and sadness.

My body was being shaken, I registered this as I awoke. Sweat lightly slicked my forehead. "C'mon we're stopping for a drink." Zack was more excited then I would have guessed.

"I'll be right there." I cleared my throat from the emotion that had gathered as my memories decided to come up.

The bus slowly got quiet as people got off. I decided I would put on a fresh shirt and get to what I do best.

Flinging the plain white shirt I wore all day and digging through my bag for another one, I heard soft whispering.

I paused and found that it was coming from Lexie's new bunk.

"Just let me go! Please? I'm tired of being the kid." She pleaded. I didn't really care though.

Shrugging it off, I found my favorite black shirt and pulled it out to smell if it was still wearable.

The curtain of Lexie's bunk was pulled away violently allowing her to jump out.

She stared at me with eyes much too wide. It was like she'd never seen a shirtless guy before.

"Don't tell me you're a virgin!" I couldn't help but laugh at her, her eyes were ridiculous.

Lexie pursed her lips and turned a nasty shade of red.

"Being a whore isn't something I'm interested in. I'm sorry if that's your only talent." She snapped adjusting her top which was cut dangerously low for someone who seemed to be of such high morals.

Grabbing my phone and throwing my shirt on, I set my jaw as I followed her off the bus.

Now she was starting to get interesting.

"What's got the golden girl in such a twist?" I taunted as we stepped off, running my hand through my hair.

Lexie's eyes narrowed dangerously, " Psycho assholes like you who don't know what you want!" She retorted and quickly might I add.

I appreciated someone with a sharp wit.

She continued to walk off toward the bar which was comical as she was underage.

"Oh so now I'm psycho?" I laughed while I ran a little to catch up to her. My shoes were kicking up some dust which was covering her next to bare feet.

"Don't you have a groupie to sexually harass?" Lexie didn't even glance to my side.

"Don't you have some virginal church meeting?" I quipped.

Lexie came to a sudden halt to stare at me. Her eyes were blazing but there was something in them. Yes anger, but a terrible sadness that I didn't even notice earlier.

"Yes, I'm a virgin. I'm sorry that's so goddamn funny to you. Look just leave me alone, I've already had a shitty night." her eyes were starting to become misty, I watched as she brushed at her arm self consciously.

"Shitty night?! You were talking to Matt about a collaboration! That's awesome news!" I was insulted that she thought a duet with Matt wouldn't be good enough to make her day. An offer like that would make some people's lives.

Lexie wiped at her eyes angrily, "Yeah that's all great but how about the fact that my brother is about to be signed and I had to hear about it from my best friend? He's got this life that's about to take off and he can't even tell his sister about it? My brother is all the family I have left and now it feels like he's going to forget all about me."

She took a moment to breathe and compose herself but I could tell she was a joke aimed at her from going berserk.

"That's stupid. If you worked with Matt you would have the same thing going for you. And who cares if your brother bails? The road and everyone you meet on it become your family. The Berry's are the coolest fuckers here and they aren't related to me but you bet your ass their my family." I ranted, watching as her eyes became less misty and more interested in what I was saying.

When I was done, she said nothing just began to smile.

"What?"

"You made me feel better. Why did you do that?" she wondered, playing with a piece of her long hair.

I felt myself swallow. Fuck she was right. Why did I do that?

"Fuck off I just didn't want to hear you complain. If you don't bitch and moan, maybe I'll be nice and sneak you some drinks." I nodded to the bar and tried not to notice how beautiful her eyes looked when she was happy.