What is This Feeling?

I watched as Gerard joined Ray, Mikey and Frank at the table, his back facing me. Mikey motioned for me to sit by him. I walked over and took a seat beside him. Luckily it was in a darker corner and my hair hung in my face, hiding my bruises. However, I was across from Frank, who was glaring at me.

Ignoring him I said, "Okay. You wanted to talk so talk." I took a sip of my coffee and settled back into the metal chair preparing myself for a long morning.

Another awkward silence followed making me irritated. I wasn't about to waste my time here especially since I was not wanted. I tried catching someone's eye, even Frank's, but couldn't. I sighed. This was infuriating.

I began tapping my foot against the tile floor accompanying my fingers on the table top. I bit my lip in anticipation, the seconds passing like minutes, the minutes like hours. Somewhere outside I could hear a lawn mower starting, reminding me that I needed to cut the grass this weekend.

Ray shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Mikey and Gerard sighed simultaneously. These were the times that you could definitely tell that they were related. Both had a habit of picking at their thumbs and cracking their knuckles as they were doing now. As for Frank, he just sat staring at his lap. It was then that I noticed the crutches beside him. I had completely forgotten about his leg.

"How's your leg?" a voice that sounded very like my own spoke. I realized that it was my voice and regretted letting it slip.

"Why do you care?" he mumbled.

"I don't," I lied.

Another silence followed but was cut short by Mikey's voice.

"Jamie, please tell us what happened," he said calmly. For a moment I was taken aback by his forwardness, but recovered.

"Didn't Frank already tell you?" I questioned. Mikey opened his mouth to answer but was cut off.

"No, I haven't," Frank spoke, looking up at me. He was still glaring, although it wasn't as intense.

"Then why don't you ask him what happened? After all, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Right Mikey?" I asked alluding to his statement about my involvement. I don't know why I was bringing him into this. I guess I was just angry. Mikey avoided my gaze while Gerard turned to face me, anger in his eyes.

"Back off," he snarled. I glared back. Calm down. Its pointless to fight with an idiot, I kept telling myself. Unfortunately my mouth acted of its own accord.

"Coming from you that's pretty funny," I stated.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked, his voice rising.

"You," I pointed at him. "Telling me to back off." I turned my body so that I was facing him. "After all, you're the one who is constantly bothering me or making fun of me. It's pretty hypocritical you telling me to back off. Don't you think?" I let my question hang in the air as I took my last sip of coffee.I waited for a few minuets before I was fed up with them wasting my time.

"Apparently this isn't going anywhere. If you want to know what happened ask Frank, he was there. You don't need my side of the story. After all it's obvious that you don't care and I'm not wasting my time." I stood, my head spinning once again making me stumble slightly. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice.

I walked towards the sink and placed my cup into it. I turned and began to walk past the guys, fighting the overwhelming dizziness which was proving to be very difficult.

This is not normal

"Jamie wait," I heard Ray and Gerard say at the same time. I paused, my back still facing them. I was shocked that Gerard actually knew my name, let alone said it. Everyone looked at Gerard the same as I did. He never called me by my name. Gerard sunk back into his seat, mumbling something I couldn't hear.

"I do care what happens to you, but we need to hear your side of the story." Ray pleaded with me. "Please, j-just sit down." Both Mikey and Ray looking at me pleading with their eyes. Gerard just glared in my direction. Sighing I walked back towards them, taking my seat next to Gerard and in front of Frank.

"Fine, but Frank goes first," I said. At this, his head shot up and everyone looked to him. He looked at Mikey and Gerard before bowing his head in defeat.

"Fine," he agreed reluctantly. "When you wouldn't take Ray's ride home Mikey and he argued with us to pick you up. They didn't want you walking home by yourself-"

"Speaking of which, why the hell did you walk home, Jamie?" I tried to answer, saying that I didn't walk home but he continued. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Ray asked

Yes Ray. I am trying to get myself killed. I rolled my eyes.

"Ray shut up and let me finish," Frank bellowed. Ray shrank back into his seat nodding his head. "So, we waited for you to come out. When you did, Mikey and Ray were going to convince you to accept a ride, but you never came out. So these two started to panic,"

"If I remember correctly both of you panicked as well," Mikey cut in. Ray nodded his head in agreement.

"Mikey shut up and let Frank finish," Gerard said. Mikey shrugged his shoulders,

"I was just saying," he trailed off. I rolled my eyes.

"Anyway, we started to drive back to my house trying to find you. Finally, we saw you walking and then-"

"You looked behind you so Gerard assumed that you knew who we were," Ray finished.

"Apparently you didn't," Gerard mumbled. I glanced over at him quickly to see him picking at his fingers.

"You started to run and we lost you somewhere," Frank said drawing my attention back to the story. "So Ray made us drive around the neighborhood looking for you." He sighed, obviously irritated.

"She looked scared, why else would she have run?" Ray defended himself.

"And you think that following her around in a car wouldn't have scare her even more?" Gerard asked looking up from his lap.

"But you guys said that someone was following her," Ray said. Everyone froze.

"W-what?" I asked looking at all of them. Ray's eyes widened, realizing his mistake. "You knew someone was following me? Why didn't you tell me?" I practically screamed.

"It's not like you'd believe me," Frank said.

"How do you know that?" I yelled. I tried ignoring the argument between Gerard and Ray. "If someone was following me why didn't you tell me?" I demanded again. Frank looked up at me, shocked by sudden outburst. "Frank, tell me what the hell is going on or I swear I'll break your other leg," I threatened while standing up and advancing on him. "I've gone through hell these past few days and if you had anything to do with I'll make you suffer as much as I have." I was spitting the words at him as if they were some poison with which I could harm him. I wished that they were. By this time Ray and Gerard had stood and came to Frank's defense in case I attacked him. If it weren't for my ankle and arm I might have. I was still considering it even with my injuries.

Gerard came up behind me while Ray stood in front of me. Ray reached out to me, to get me to calm down, however I flinched and stepped backwards into Gerard. I leapt forward quickly, not enjoying the physical contact but he grabbed onto me by my bad arm. Shrieking in pain I froze. Immediately, Gerard let go and I cradled my arm. My breathing was labored and tears had come to my eyes. Pains were shooting up and down my arm and into my back. I glared at Gerard who looked at me with remorse.

"What's wrong Jamie?" Ray asked, concern lacing his voice. Turing towards him I gave him a forced smile,

"I'm fine Ray. Just startled." My answer seemed to convince him, but the others didn't seem to fall for it. Quickly I changed the subject, "Frank can you just continue with your story?" He looked at me with skepticism. "Please," I added pleading with my eyes for him to comply. He nodded his head slightly and I took my seat,

"Like I was saying, we were driving around looking for you."

"Then Mikey saw you and called us telling us where he thought you were heading," Gerard said helping Frank who had stopped talking.

"And we made the stupid decision to try and uh...trap you?" Mikey paused. "Trap isn't the right word but we were trying to stop you and get you to calm down." He looked at me with a sad smile. "It obviously didn't work," he said.

"You think?" I scoffed. At least I was getting answers though. "So after you decided to trap me what happened?" I asked.

"Well," Mikey started. "We decided to come at you from two sides and then calm you do-" I cut him off as a thought came to mind,

"Did it ever occur to any of you to call my cell phone?" I asked knowing that at least Mikey had my number. I was met with silence. Rolling my eyes, I got my answer from their silence.

"I'll admit it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but we were in a bit of a hurry," Mikey explained. I nodded waiting for them to continue. "So finally we saw you and came at you from two sides. At this point, you looked pretty freaked out so we decided to get out and show you that it was us."

"Which didn't work cause you just ran," Gerard said from beside me said in an off hand sort of way.

"So," Ray continued. "Frank and I ran after you since Mikey and Gerard were driving." I looked at Frank in shock. Frank seemed to feel my gaze and met my eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"I just can't believe you actually ran after me," I said disbelievingly.

"Like I said," he explained. "just cause I hate you doesn't mean I hate human life."

"But that implies that you knew someone was coming after me," I stated. Frank's eyes widened and I felt Gerard go rigid beside me.

"How so?" he asked.

"Why would you of all people run after me unless you knew something?" My argument wasn't very strong but I knew there was something that they weren't telling me.

"I-I...uh...well," he stuttered.

"You know what Frank, I don't really care," I lied. You have to pick your battles. I would find out later. In the meantime, I might as well let him finish his story. I turned towards Ray and waited for him to continue.

"Um...so...Frank and I ran after you," Ray said. "But I'm not the best runner so I lost you. I'm guessing Frank didn't but that's all I know." He stopped, looking to Frank who sighed before continuing.

"Well, I kept calling your name but you couldn't hear me," he said. "I was trying to catch up with you so you knew it was me." He shifted in his seat before continuing, "You were coming up on an alleyway that had a really high fence blocking the one exit besides the way you went in. So, I assumed that you would have to stop and turn around. Instead you did some crazy ass jump and scaled it," he said in disbelief. I winced reliving the pain I went through. "I just can't believe you didn't break something," he said. "I called Gerard and told him that I'd lost you, and that I needed him to pick me up,"

"But I had already found you and tried to get you to stop running," Gerard cut him off. He paused, looking down as if ashamed. "I almost hit you," he stopped. I looked over to see his head hung low. "I-I almost killed you." He looked up at me and I was shocked to see remorse in his eyes. "I-I'm," he paused, a pained expression on his face. "I'm sorry."

My eyes bugged out of my head and my mouth dropped open. Wowp "It's o-okay Gerard," I paused. This was very awkward. "I-Its not your fault." My words seemed to make him more upset. He stood and walked to the sink, gazing out the window. I turned to face everyone else, whose expressions mimicked mine. Mikey was the first to snap out of it.

"Well...uh after they saw you they called me telling me where you were and I...uh...went to go pick up Frank. They," He gestured towards Ray and Gerard, "tried to follow you. Although Frank decided to follow y-"

"I saw you almost got hit by a car and went to see if you were okay," He clarified. He stared off into space, replaying the events in his head. Suddenly frustration flashed across his face.

"After that everything happened really fast," He paused thinking. "I came after you," He said more to himself. "I had almost caught up with you so I reached out to grab your wrist." He stopped talking and looked out the window. You could see the light reflected off his eyes, which were filled with confusion and anger. Tearing his gaze from the window he looked at me, questions in his eyes. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was as confused as I was.

"You...hit me and then I heardsomeone else's voice," he squinted his eyes in frustration. "a man's." My breath caught, I tried my hardest not to shake in fear. Mikey noticed and looked at me with concern. I paid him no attention, hoping Frank could answer my questions.

"The rest is just a blur. I only remember you screaming, 'no', really loudly and then seeing you in the ambulance." He sighed out of frustration, putting his head in his hands. Mikey, Ray and Gerard turned towards me.

"You never said that you went with him to the hospital," Ray said. I panicked.

"You never asked." None of them seemed satisfied with my answer but I shrugged it off. I waited for Frank to continue.

"I've tried remembering what happened but all I can get are bits and pieces." He sighed running his hand through his hair. "and the dreams I have are..." he trailed off. This really caught my attention.

"What happens?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I can't really tell. Most of the time I hear a girl screaming and then this guy yelling in pain. Sometimes I see things, but the most vivid part that I can remember is the girl yelling, 'no' and tackling this guy and running." He paused trying to remember something. "I think she saved me, but I'm not sure."

All of them looked in my direction. I hung my head. I guess that I did save Frank but I didn't want him to know that. Hopefully, the others weren't as perceptive as most but I had a gut feeling that they all knew it had been me.

"Another thing that sticks in my mind is this line, but I don't know what it means," he said. Glaring at his coffee cup, he sighed again. Ray and Mikey were looking at him with great interest where as I was trying not to relive what he was describing.

"W-what is it?" I asked my voice cracking.

He sighed again, "Her death is on your hands." He looked at me expecting some type of explanation. I felt walls crashing down around me as my last hope had failed me. Frank didn't know what Julian had meant. I was scared now. I was hoping that he would know what Julian had wanted with me. If he didn't know I had nothing to but speculate. That was the worst thing that I could do. Maybe he did know and wasn't letting on?

"You don't know what it means?" I questioned. He shook his head 'no'. I stared intensely at the table, seeing Frank's crumpled from and watching Julian attack him. Feeling him hit me, hearing him threatening me, tasting the blood in my mouth. Involuntarily I began to shake. Mikey seemed to notice and almost said something had it not been for Frank.

"Everything else I remember is just seeing two people fight, and hearing gunshots. But it doesn't make sense." We sat in another silence, each person in their own thoughts. I turned towards Mikey to see him looking at me strange.

"Oh my god," He gasped. "It was you who screamed." He stared at me. He began to breath heavily and braced himself on the table. He kept muttering he was sorry. Why, I didn't know. Quickly I rushed towards him, which wasn't very fast because of my ankle. Ray was trying to get him to calm down as Frank watched helplessly. Once I reached him I put my hand on his back, and began to rub, telling him to breathe. Everyone was looking at him with concern and confusion.

"Mikey calm down, I'm fine. Just breathe," I ordered softly. I continued to rub his back as Gerard came over with a glass of water. "Do you need your inhaler?" I asked. He shook his head slowly. Some time later his breathing calmed and he sat back in the chair. He drank slowly from the glass that Gerard had given him. I looked over at Gerard to see guilt on his face. Why would he be guilty? I shook it off, turning my attention back towards Mikey.

"Now what's wrong? Why were you apologizing?" I questioned.

Mikey didn't speak for a while. He just stared at the wall. Finally he spoke, "I-I saw him. I was there. I didn't do anything. I couldn't. I just stood there." He continued to mutter things until he looked at me, tears in his eyes. "I-I let him shoot you and I-I didn't do anything! I just stood there!" He wasn't making sense. I wasn't shot. Shaking my head, I tried talking some sense him into him.

"Mikey, what are you talking about?" He looked at me, his eyes glossy. "I wasn't shot." I smiled at him trying to reassure him.

"Then why do you look like," he stopped trying to find the right word. "that?" Wow. I looked at him for a while before laughing out loud at his face. I couldn't help it. "What are you laughing at?" he asked.

"You," I chocked out between laughs. Everyone was shooting me looks that showed that they thought I was insane. Maybe I was but I couldn't stop laughing. Slowly I calmed myself, taking deep breaths. "M-Mikey I wasn't shot," I said. He looked at me with a questioning gaze. "I shot Julian. Those were the gunshots you heard," I said in an out of breath matter. My ankle was beginning to pain, telling me that I needed to sit down. Slowly I walked back towards my seat and heaved myself up onto it. I looked up only to be met with four surprised glances. "What?" I asked.

"You shot him?" Frank asked surprised. I nodded. Why is this so hard to believe? I heard someone gulp and looked towards Gerard. He looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Y-you shot Julian Marks?" He questioned. I nodded again. He paled.

"You know him," I stated more than asked. He shook his head slowly and very unconvincingly.

"Why do you think that I...uh...know him?" he stuttered, shifting his body and tugging at his collar.

"You're sweating, stuttering, pulling at your collar, you won't look me in the eyes, and," I stopped. "I never said his last name." He looked at me, eyes wide before saying he had to go. He grabbed his keys and almost ran out the door. The next thing I heard was the screeching of tires as he sped down the street.

We sat in another silence, waiting for someone to break it.

"S-so you weren't shot?" Mikey asked, clearing his throat.

"No. I wasn't shot," I stated.

"B-but what about-"

"Me lying in the street in my own blood?" I finished. He nodded. By this point, Frank and Ray were staring at me as if I were crazy. "He didn't shoot me but you don't have to be shot to bleed," I answered. My words hung in the air as another silenced enveloped us. It was Frank who spoke this time.

"Okay, I told what happened to me, now lets hear what happened to you." Ray and Mikey nodded in agreement. I sighed. You can't avoid it forever Getting comfortable in my chair, I began to tell them my side of the story; the bare minimal of it at least.

I told them of how I was held at gunpoint and that I took the gun and shot him. I didn't tell them how I did what I did, or what was said, or what he did, mainly because I didn't feel like reliving it. That and I didn't want them to feel guilty. If Mikey had reacted the same way to what had actually happened I don't think I could have stood it.

In reality, this entire ordeal could have been avoided if I would have accepted their ride. Or it could be blamed on Lea, since it was only because of her that I stayed as long as I did. Although, I couldn't help but think that if it wouldn't have happened that night, it would have happened eventually.

I finished by telling them that I had spent the night in hospital, I just didn't add where. From there they knew the rest of the story. As for the entire school thinking that Frank had tried to rape me, well I didn't think that I should have mention it then. I was actually surprised that Ray, Mikey or Gerard hadn't said anything.

When I had finished the three of them just stared at me. Ray looked livid but in shock. Mikey appeared relieved, guilty and scared all at the same time. Frank on the other hand looked unconvinced. Of what I wasn't sure, but by the way he stared at me I could tell he knew that I was lying. Granted that I was lying by omission but it was still lying.

"Well we should get going," Mikey said referring to himself and Ray. Frank nodded at them while bidding them good-bye. Then both Ray and Mikey came over and gave me a hug. I was shocked. Why were they being so kind to me? I heard the front door shut and another silence feel upon Frank and me. It was awkward. I could feel his eyes on me, examining everything about me. I shifted under his gaze.

"I should get going," I said standing, my vision blurred once again but I was ready for it. Once my head had cleared, I began to walk towards the front door. I hadn't even made it out of the kitchen, when Frank stopped me.

"No."

"No?" I questioned. Turning, I faced where he still sat on his metal chair. Grabbing his crutches, he pulled himself up and began to walk towards me. There was determination in his eyes. He came up to me and with some difficulty pointed at my face.

"There is no way that you got those cuts and bruises from what you told me," he said. "I want the entire story and I want it now.