What is This Feeling?

I sat on the Way's back porch, gazing at the stars. Holly was asleep in my lap and covered by the blanket that I had wrapped around my shoulders. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the rough wooden railing behind me. People bustled around inside the Way's house, laughter, and shouts of joy could be heard from inside. The party had retreated indoors when the sun had set. Now, most of the adults were drinking, talking and playing cards while their children ran rampant around the house. The Way's living room, large as it was, gave me a claustrophobic feeling so I had left. Apparently Gerard, Frank, Mikey and Ray had had the same idea since I saw them retreat into Gerard's room. Since then, I haven't seen them and for that I was grateful.

I sighed in contentment as the cicadas sang their songs, indicating the end of summer. The moon shone big and bright, its milky rays illuminated the grass through the trees, casting strangled shadows across the yard. They covered my body in a bath of cool light. Wind blew through the trees, carrying with it smells that reminded me of home. A smile graced my features and for the first time since the 'event', I felt at peace.

The next thing that I knew was Holly jumping off my lap and running away. Alarmed, I sat up but relaxed as she trotted inside. Too tired to move, I rested my head against the railing and closed my eyes, drifting off into a light slumber.

~.~.~.~

"Leave him alone!" I yelled. I struggled in the man's grasp as Frank was slammed into the nearest wall. Tears were forming in my eyes as he was kicked and let out wails of pain. "Leave him alone! It's not his fault. Please! Stop!" I begged.

My captor snickered in my ear before pulling out a dirty bandanna and gagging me with it. I convulsed as the cloth met my tongue; it tasted of sweat and grime.

"Now, now there," he patronized. "Be quiet dear. It'll be your turn soon enough." I struggled more violently against my bonds as Frank was pummeled.

As the large figure continued to kick, hit, spit, and swear at Frank defeat filled my soul. Sagging against the man's grasp, I sobbed. One thought repeated itself in my head.

I'm sorry Frank. I'm so so sorry.

~.~.~.~

"Don't touch me!" I yelled, scrambling backwards. Ignoring the pains in my arm and leg, I continued backing up until I hit something sturdy yet soft. I screamed. Stumbling forward, I almost fell but two arms wrapped around me. I yelled in pain as an immense amount of pressure was put on my bad arm. Tears stung at my eyes, blurring my vision.

"Ray let her go!" I heard someone yell. That someone I soon found to be Frank. The two arms keeping me captive suddenly disappeared causing me to stumble. Attempting to regain my composure, I stood breathing heavily.

"Jamie, I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," Ray apologized. I turned to him finally grasping my surroundings.

"Oh Ray," I mumbled, feeling awful. "D-don't apologize." I began to walk towards him, still trying to get my breathing under control. I swallowed, attempting to clear my throat. "I-It's not your fault. I'm just uh...a l-little rattled." I gestured with my hands, supporting my point. I turned to face the yard, only to see Frank, Mikey and Gerard standing there, worried etched in their strained expressions. I sighed, running one of my shaky hands through my hair.

As I stared at them, more Frank actually, my thoughts drifted back to my dream. I could feel my heart quicken. Suddenly the back door swung open revealing a concerned looking Mrs. Iero and Mr. Way.

"Are you all alright?" he asked. We nodded. "Are you sure? I thought I heard screaming," he said.

"Oh I'm sorry Mr. Way, that was me," I spoke up. "I was sitting hear and must have dozed off because the next thing I knew I felt something crawling on my face." I shot him a reassuring smile.

He smiled back at me before nodding and walking inside the house. However, Mrs. Iero looked unconvinced. She eyed me warily but after a pleading look from me, she went back inside. I sighed, blowing my bangs out of my face. I could feel a cold sweat on my head and I wiped at it. This was all too much. Not to mention how embarrassed I was for acting the way I did. I can't stay here anymore. I have to get out. Decision made I walked towards the steps and picked up the blanket, blatantly ignoring the guys.

"Jamie," Frank spoke tentatively. My head shot up, glancing at him with surprise. "Are you sure that you're okay?"

I gave a shaky laugh. "Of course I'm fine Frank," I answered trying to leave.

"Then how come your hands won't stop shaking?" he asked. Quickly, I glanced down at my hands to see that they were, in fact, shaking.

"I'm cold," I said, folding the blanket that covered arms across my chest. All the guys eyed me, skepticism evident in their eyes. I fidgeted under their gazes, uncomfortable with the sudden attention. A unexpected spotlight put on me as they each unraveled me with their eyes. Softly a warm wind washed over me, causing the hairs on my arms to stand up. A sickening chill traveled through my body as my need to flee overwhelmed me.

"I-I...I need to go," I mumbled attempting to flee.

"Wait!" Mikey called.

"What?" I asked still trying to leave but Ray blocked my way.

"How are you going to get home?" he asked. What he said made me stop and think. How
was I going to get home? I had walked here so I guess I could walk home. I mean, the Way's only lived about a ten-minuet walk away from my house so it wouldn't take me that long. However, it was dark out and I wasn't to sure if I couldwalk limp home by myself. Well I would have Holly, but I highly doubt that a ten-pound ball of white fluff will intimidate any attacker. Although she did have a ferocious bark. I sighed; walking it is then.

"I was going to walk," I answered slowly.

Why did it matter anyway?

"NO!" I heard all of them yell. I jumped a little, giving a slight chuckle at the humor in their sudden outburst. I put my weight on my left leg and hand on my hip, a supercilious look upon my face.

"Why not?" I asked.

"There is no way that I'm" he paused, uncertain "We're going to let you walk home," Ray stated.

"Alone," Gerard added.

"Umm...guys, if you haven't noticed I live like not even a mile away. Besides since when did you take it upon yourselves to ensure my safety?" I asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"Jamie, your bus stop was even closer than their house is," Frank said. "And we all know how that ended up." A murmur of agreement went around the group of friends as I stood taken aback.

"Since when did my life's decisions become a democracy?" I asked but gained no response. I rolled my eyes. "Furthermore, why does it matter how that event ended up? If it was just a random occurrence like you said it was Mikey, then why are you all so worried that I'll be attacked again?" I started pacing back and forth, moving my hands in time to accompany my rant. Marching up to Frank I said, "And if you know anything from how that event ended up you would all know that, I can take care of myself."

"Then why dya look like that?" Gerard cut in.

I glared at him. "I was beat up because of unfortunate circumstances," I said dully. Gerard went to reply but Frank cut him off.

"W-what do you mean?" He asked, almost seeming afraid of my answer. I gave a maniacal laugh.

"As if you don't know!" I shrieked. "You don't honestly think that I would have been beat up if it weren't for " I stopped short, not voicing the rest of my statement. Frank's face was full of surprise, as were the rest of them.

"If it weren't for what?" Gerard questioned.

If it weren't for Frank

"Never mind. It doesn't matter," I said dismissively as I turned to leave.

"Yes, it does matter," Frank countered. "If you're not telling us everything then you could be in danger." He limped towards me, a mixture of concern and frustration on his face.

"I'm not telling you everything?" I asked, my voice verging on hysterics. "I'm sure that you can't be serious?" I began to advance on him as I continued. "It's the other way around if I'm not mistaken. It is you all who aren't being completely honest!"

"What are you talking about?" Mikey interjected.

"What am I talking about?!" I laughed. "Don't play dumb with me, Mikey. I don't appreciate my intelligence being insulted by someone as oblivious as you," I spat at him. He looked down, shock shown slightly on his sullen face. I felt a twinge of guilt at this but soon got over it as Gerard stepped towards me, in Mikey's defense. His eyes were full of loathing as he approached me, attempting to appear intimidating.

"Back the fuck off," he growled. I turned on him, a fire coursing through my body and shining through my eyes.

"Don't try and intimidate me, Gerard," I said with a condescending smile and an airy voice. "It won't work."

"Shut up," he snarled.

"I laughed. "Here I thought Frank's smartass comebacks had rubbed off on you," I looked him up and down, "Apparently they haven't." Gerard made a lunge for me but I stood my ground. Even in my injured state, I could still beat him senseless; not to mention how much adrenaline was pumping through my veins due to my injured state. So, at this point I was hoping that he would try and hurt me; I needed a punching bag.

However, before Gerard could reach me Frank stopped him, saying, "Gee, she's not worth your time." After a few deep breaths, he complied and stalked past me towards Ray. Frank looked towards me, glaring. "You're such a bitch," he sneered.

"And you're a dick. What's your point?"

"Why are you so fucking self centered?" Frank questioned. I shot him a look. "Well? Why are you?"

"I'm not self centered, merely self sufficient," I replied. I was becoming wary of where this conversation was going. He scoffed.

"Oh?" he said in a superior manner. "And why is that?" A small smirk formed on his face.

"There's no point in my telling you," I said. "You don't really care."

"And how do you know that?" he asked.

"Well for one, everyone can see how much contempt that you feel towards me and usually people who hate each other don't care about what the other is feeling." He limped towards me as I continued. "Secondly, it was you who said, and I quote, 'Why should I care? It's not like it would matter if she'd go missing.'" The smirk fell from his face.

"Now, I'm assuming that you were talking about me which would imply that you knew about the attack. So, in answer to Mikey's question, what I am talking about is how you all know that this attack was no random occurrence! And even then you refuse to tell me what is going on!"

I glanced at them all seeing that I had cornered them. What I had assumed had been correct. I felt a stabbing sensation in my chest as a burning came to my eyes. I had hoped against hope that my attack would have been unbeknownst to them. Now as I watched their expressions my last hope fluttered away with the breeze. I took in a few deep and shaky breaths, holding back the impending tears. I would not cry in front of them. After I regained my composure, I spoke.

"Now Frank. This," I said referring to their lying to me." Is why I am the way I am. I am self-sufficient because I need to be. I don't let myself down and I do what I need to do. I've been relying on my self since for as long as I can remember. That won't be changing anytime soon. So don't you dare try and judge me." I paused for a breath as they all stood speechless.

"Now my question to all of you is this. If you are so worried about my safety why didn't you warn me about being attacked when you knew full well that it was going to happen?" I stood waiting for an answer but received none. I sighed before giving them a sad smile.

"I knew that you hated me," I began. "But I never thought you would let me die." With that I turned and walked towards the door, tears in my eyes.

This time no one stopped me.