What is This Feeling?

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"What the hell happened?" Mikey asked.

I shook my head, unable to speak.

My room was exactly as I left it, except for the white feathers, ripped cloth and shattered glass window. My bed looked as if knives had attacked it; shreds of cloth hung from my dressers and littered the floor. The curtains had been torn to shreds leaving small strands of nothing to swing idly in the autumn breeze. The large bay window, one of my favorite features of the room, was ruined. Its once pristine condition had been demolished, glass shattered everywhere. Hesitantly I stepped forward, but someone held me back.

"Wait," Frank whispered in my ear.

"Mikey, Ray, go check the downstairs and basement," Gerard ordered, taking control of the situation. "Bob, Siena call the police. Frank and I'll check the rest of the room."
Ray nodded and began to walk down the hall. He had to pull lightly on Mikey's arm to get him to come though. Silently Bob and Siena followed after them for what I could only imagine was the landline.

I stood, frozen to my spot. My mind was racing and barely comprehended the questions directed at me.

Was it possible for Julian to come back?

I shook my head, the thought didn't make sense. Julian was in New York. Even if he had been able to get here, there was no possible way that he could make it down my steps and out the door without someone noticing him. Andy had said that he wouldn't be able to walk properly again. My small amount of reasoning quelled some of my fear.

So if it wasn't Julian, who was in my house?

"Jamie."

I turned my head to see Siena standing at the top of the stairs, phone in hand.

"The cops need to know your address and some other stuff…" she trailed off as I nodded.

I walked towards her and past Gerard and Frank who were busily conversing. If I hadn't been in shock I may have thought that something was strange about it. However, I was stunned and most things weren't making sense to me. It was as if I was walking in a fog.
Emotionally things weren't computing. I couldn't really seem to make sense of what was going on. It all seemed surreal. Things like this didn't happen to people like me. This thought repeated itself like a mantra in my head. However, the cold sting of reality would answer. This was happening to me and there was nothing that I could to about it. It felt as if my life was spinning out of control, and I was losing my grip on what little stability I had left.

Approaching Siena I took the phone from her grasp and walked down the stairs. I answered robotically as I was drilled with questions. Soon it was over with and I numbly put down the phone. Silently I walked through the living room, avoiding the stares that I was receiving. As I walked into the kitchen, a thought came to me. Looking around the small kitchen, I attempted to locate my missing phone. My eyes soon found the small device near the door where I had dropped it earlier. Picking it up, I scrolled through the contacts list. Before long I had found the appropriate number and pressed the send button, holding the ringing phone up to my ear.

It rang once and then a comforting voice reached my ears.

"Agent Larko speaking."

"Its Jamie," I said in a timid voice.

"Ah, Jamie," his rough voice spoke. "How have you been?"

I paused thinking what to say. "I've been better," I sighed while leaning against the refrigerator.

"I assume that's why you called me then?" He asked his tone cool and apathetic.

I nodded. "Yes."

"What can I help you with?"

I carefully relayed the evening's events to him, trying my hardest not to break down. Reliving what had pasted seemed to be even worse than when I went through it. It seemed as if I was just beginning to grasp the gravity of the situation. By the time that I had come to this realization, I had finished my story. Gripping the phone tightly in my hand, I waited for his reply.

I was met with silence.

By this time, everyone was congregated around me. Their bodies spread out over the many chairs and few couches in my living room. Siena and Bob sat together closely, obviously confused and frightened. It was then that I realized how bewildered Bob must be, Siena as well, although she knew more about these happenings than Bob did. Gerard and Mikey were standing near Ray and Frank who were the sitting closest to me. However, it seemed as if I had a bubble surrounding me. No one came to close, as if they were afraid of frightening me.

All it did was annoy me.

Annoyance.

That's what I felt more than fear. This entire situation irritated me greatly. Of course, I was scared witless, the aspect of a stranger in my house without my knowing was extremely frightening. But, more than anything I was annoyed, angered even.

What had I done to deserve this?

I listened carefully, waiting for Agent Larko's response. All I could hear were mumbled voices in the milieu. I sighed, attempting to quell my irritation. Finally, he spoke.

"Are you alone?"

The questioned baffled me but I answered nonetheless.

"No," I said faintly, suddenly aware of my unwanted audience.

"Are you still in the house?" he asked.

"Yes."

"I'll be there soon. Don't go anywhere by yourself," he spoke swiftly. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his command.

"Especially you Jamie," he spoke again. I could hear him getting his keys in the background. "Do you understand?"

"Yes," I sighed. It was becoming harder for me to keep my annoyance under control as the minutes wore on. I was not one to be patronized and my pride did not like him telling me what I could and could not do.

"Do not leave the house under any circumstance," he ordered again.

"Yes I understand that," I spat as my self-control slipped slightly. Instantly I felt bad and mumbled a small apology, which he accepted off handedly. Something was apparently wrong. When I inquired about this notion, he replied gravely.

"I'll explain when I get there."

I sighed once again while running my hand through my hair. Shutting my phone, I let if fall from my grasp and onto the plush cushion beside me. I stared at it limply. I sat still, my back leaning against the couch and my feet firmly on the ground. I stared, unblinking, straight ahead not really seeing anything. The fog from before settled gracefully around me, protecting me from the waves of anger and fear that cascaded relentlessly upon me. Soon the waves settled and my thoughts became still. I focused on my breathing, its natural rhythm acting as a pacifist to my angered soul. The fog lay softly upon me making me numb.

Its gift I accepted with open arms. I couldn't afford to have my mental breakdown in front of everyone. They would just make it worse. I just wanted to be alone. However, I knew very well that after tonight I wouldn't be receiving very much alone time so this absence of feeling was what I considered a gift from God.

Absently mindedly, I stroked Holly's head, not remembering when she came to sit on my lap. I was glad she was there. She was a small form of comfort.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, unseeing. It could have been hours but in the back of my mind, I knew that it was only a few minutes. The small assembly of people in front of me tried in earnest to speak to me. However all attempts at my speech were futile. I had nothing to say.

Sirens could be heard soon and not long after it, bright blue and red lights bled in through the window. I sat still, staring unseeing at the same wall as before. When the police came to the door, I still sat there. My body felt like it was led. I couldn't move even if I had wanted to.

Unfortunately, my common sense overrode the fog of apathy that had cradled me and reality came back with its bitter sting. I felt a shiver run through my body and held in an audible gasp as I came back to my surreal veracity. Slowly I stood declining Ray's outstretched hand with a small smile and shake of my head. I walked towards the small cluster of people in the hall and with a newfound composure, invited everyone into the living room. Everyone resumed his or her previous positions around the room except now Mikey and Gerard were sitting on the same couch as everyone but the police.

I sat by myself, on the loveseat furthest from everyone.

As everyone answered questions and told their stories, I examined the unfamiliar faces. There were three of them: two male and one female. Others were searching the house and conversing. I tried to ignore them as they turned my house inside out. I was too preoccupied by the strangers invading my home to notice that the questions directed at my friends were now directed at me. I answered their prying questions with as much composure and grace that I could. Surprisingly, the questioning was going smoothly and I managed to persevere so far without snapping at the redundant questions. Not to mention how often I was made to repeat myself. The more I was made to recur my statements the more I become convinced that they wanted me to mess up my story. The notion itself was so silly that I visibly shook my head to rid my mind of the thought. I answered as carefully as I could, using a little of my rather large vocabulary as possible.

It felt wrong talking to strangers about my personal life.

Ray, Siena, Bob, Mikey Gerard and Frank all sat quietly through my interrogation. All were on edge and fidgeting constantly. However at the time, I really couldn't have cared less if they had been jumping up and down screaming bloody murder. I was on autopilot, answering questions robotically with the vague hope that I would wake up from this garish nightmare.
After finishing my recollection of the evening's events, I heard my front door open. It was then followed by a stampede of footsteps and angered yells. My head, along with everyone else's snapped towards the source of the interruption.

The stampede suddenly stopped as the other police members obstructed the path of the angry mob that had gathered in my small hallway. If the numbing fog hadn't been there to cloud my senses I may have been slightly frightful of the sudden uproar. Thankfully, it was still in tact and didn't seem to be removing its soft shield anytime soon.

"I don't care who you are I will see my son now!"

"Sir I'm going to have to ask you to remove yourself from the-"

"I will not leave until I have my sons!"

"Yes Ma'am I understand that but-"

Suddenly six figures stormed into my small living room. I recognized them as the parents of my friends.

"Frank!"

"Siena! Bob!"

"Mikey! Gerard!"

"Ray!"

Each parent went to his or her respective child or family member as the case was with Siena and Bob's parents. Linda fussed over Frank whereas Mrs. Way, Bryar and Toro tended to their own children. Mr. Way and Bryar however, were conversing with the two police officers in what seemed to be a heated debate. A small twinge of sadness spread through my body at the small reunion. I wished that my mom were here to hold me, to tell me everything was all right, to comfort and care for me. However, as soon as the feeling came, it went. The numbing sensation returned and I retreated into the sanctity of my mind.

I sat completely still, staring, unblinking at the scene before me. My thoughts raced and all I wanted was to be left alone. I felt like screaming at everyone at my house until my throat was hoarse. I wanted to cry until no tears were left. I wanted to beat something, someone, anything to relieve the building pressure inside me. However, all I did was sit and stare, unblinking, unmoving.

I felt something soft nudge my hand and I looked down. Holly began to lick my hand softly and snuggled deeper into my lap. I smiled at her gesture and began to stroke her head once again. Moments went by and soon I heard yelling. Snapping my head up I tried to catch up on what was happening.

"They will not be going with you!" Mr. Way bellowed at one of the larger cops.

"I'm sorry sir but they have to for questioning-"

"They've answered your questions," Mrs. Way snarled. "They will be going home with us and that is finale."

"Look ma'am," a smaller cop began to speak, "We understand you're feelings at the moment but this is a serious matter."

"You understand my feelings?" Mrs. Way spoke coldly. "You understand my feelings?
How could you possibly understand how I feel at this moment!?"

"Well-" the cop tried to reply however, Mrs. Way interjected.

"Do you have children?" she asked curtly.

"No, but-"

"'But' nothing!" She spat. "How could you possibly understand how I feel when you have no children of your own?"

I stared in awe at the sudden anger that erupted from the small, fragile Mrs. Way. She was extremely tiny, hardly someone to find formidable. Yet she had grown men cowering away from her slightly. The cop she had unleashed her wrath on opened its mouth to speak.

"Ma'am I am truly sorry for what has happened tonight but you don't know the severity of the situation."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Mrs. Way snapped. "All you're doing is over reacting about a break in."

"It wasn't just a break in, Ma'am," the cop spoke slowly, obviously trying to contain his anger.

"Then what was it?" she asked rudely.

The cop opened his mouth to speak but a familiar voice stopped him.

"Its fine Mark," Agent Larko said. "I've got it from here."

'Mark' seemed more than willing to leave and after a few rushed words and knowing glances towards our group, the police left.

Agent Larko hadn't changed much from the last time that I had seen him. His deep blue eyes and shaggy brown hair were still the same on his extremely tall figure. Brown dress pants adorned his long legs and his white shirt wasn't tucked in and was slightly wrinkled. He towered over everyone in the room and seemed to have a quieting affect on everyone in it. He surveyed the room with his unsympathetic eyes but once they landed on my form, they softened. A small smile played on his lips that seemed to light up his entire face.
I smiled back. Something about having him here helped considerably.

Everyone else in the room seemed extremely uncomfortable with this intimidating and still nameless man in their presence. Siena kept shooting furtive glances in my direction, trying to catch my eye. When I finally looked over in her direction, she shot me a questioning look and I tried to smile reassuringly. All the other members of the small party congregated in my living room had the same facial expressions. If it had been any other time, I would have laughed at it all.

"Jamie," Agent Larko nodded in greeting towards me. I nodded back and took small note of the shocked faces surrounding me. They were surprised that I knew this daunting man.

"I need to speak with you," he began. I nodded again.

Apparently, that was the only form of communication that I was capable of. My vocal cords had decided to fail me. Standing slowly with Holly in my arms, I approached him, leaving many confused faces behind me. We walked back towards the kitchen and I offered him a cup of coffee. He smiled accepting it gratefully while running his hands through his messy hair. Subconsciously I continued to caress Holly's soft white fur, waiting for him to speak. He finally broke the silence.

"How are you?" he asked.

I laughed slightly at the irony of the situation.

"Honestly?" I asked my voice cracking from not being used in so long. He nodded. "I'm scared out of my mind and confused beyond belief." He nodded again while staring at his cup of coffee. The air around me was serious and grave, the tension hung heavily between us.

"What's wrong?" I asked quietly.

He sighed loudly.

"You may want to sit down for this."

"Please just tell me," I implored, not sure if I was able to move even if I had wanted. I examined the obviously worn man in front of me. He seemed indecisive for the briefest moment but with another plea from me, he caved.

"There's no easy way to say this so I'll just come out and tell you," he began. "Julian was released from prison this morning."

I stood still.

"W-what?" I asked, not really believing what was being said. Agent Larko stood and walked warily towards me. He spoke slowly and chose his words carefully.

"Julian was release earlier this morning from prison on bail. He is undergoing house arrest but that will be up by the end of the year. He'll still be on probation and isn't aloud to leave the state of New York, but he will be able to roam freely throughout the state."
I stood completely and utterly still, trying to keep together what little composure I had.

However, it seemed to be slipping through my fingers like sand.

Agent Larko continued to speak while I stood unmoving and staring absently at the wall in front of me. I tuned him out while I attempted to keep myself under control. So many emotions were running through my head, all of them bouncing against each other causing chaos in my already frenzied mind. I felt like a small bottle with a cork. Everything was building up to the imminent breakdown I would have. The pressure weighed down on me, adding up until I began to shake slightly.

"Jamie?"

How could this be possible? "Jamie?"

I looked up.

"Say something."

"H-how?" I stuttered. He looked confused. "How could this happen?" I said barely above a strangled whisper.

Agent Larko's expression changed from confused to one of pure distress as he rubbed his hands over his face.

"I'm not sure Jamie," he said. "I have my theories but they're pretty far fetched."

"What are they?" I asked shakily.

"I'm pretty sure that the judge who oversaw Julian's trial is corrupt." He stood next to me talking to the wall that I was staring at absently.

"Do you know where he is?" I managed to croak.

"Yes. As I said, he's on house arrest," he said pausing as if he wanted to speak but was hesitant to do so. "May I be frank with you?" he asked suddenly.

I nodded numbly.

"What I'm about to tell you I think is a load of bull shit."

I turned to look at him; a ghost of a smile lingered on the corners of my mouth. His bluntness and obvious disregard for protocol made him all the more appealing to me.

"What I'm supposed to say is that, we've got our men all over him and there won't be a move he'll make that we won't know about," he said dryly. "I don't want to lie to you though. You seem like a good kid who got pulled into some crazy plot and I don't want to tell you anything that may lessen your chances."

"Thanks?"

He laughed. It was warm sounding and made me feel a little less scared.

"Don't go thanking me yet," he said. "You can thank me when this man is back in jail and his cronies are right there with him."

I nodded at him, attempting to smile in thanks to his statement.

"Agent Larko?" I asked. He looked at me and waited for me to continue. "What did you mean when you said that you didn't want to lessen my chances?"

His eyes softened and he gave me a sad smile. I felt chills run up my spine.

"Jamie," he said softly. "I've no idea what you've done to this man that has made him so angry with you. The only thing that I can imagine is that you had hurt his pride. However, he seems to hold a personal vendetta against you and while he's loose you, your family and your friends are in grave danger."

"So you're saying that I've got a good chance of being killed before I'm seventeen?" I asked sarcastically.

He shook his head.

"No. You'll live but things like what happened tonight may start to become regular occurrences."

"I don't understand," I said, "I thought he was in New York? How could he be there and doing thing to me?"

Agent Larko sighed.

"We've been following him for awhile now. Julian's got 'friends' in almost every state."

"By friends you mean-?"

"Drug lords, pimps, mobsters. Basically people who don't abide by the law," he said dismissively while waving his hand in the air.

I fell silent.

After a small silence I decided that maybe it was best if I sat down. Carefully I placed Holly on the ground beside me and stared at my hands. Slowly but surely the mental fog that had created my numbing haven was dissipating. I struggled desperately to grasp onto it, to keep it, to make it stay, yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to bring it back. Now I was left feeling vulnerable and weak as wave after wave of emotion smashed against me. I was in the middle of a sea of emotion and waters were overwhelming me. I couldn't breath.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder causing me to jump in surprise.

"I'm sorry," Agent Larko murmured. "I didn't mean to startle you."

I shook my head as I continued to stare at my hands. They were shaking. I clasped them together in a vain attempt to cease the involuntary shaking. I felt a warmth overcome my face and a stinging in my eyes. Squeezing them shut, I shook my head trying to keep the tears from falling. My breathing became slightly labored as I struggled to regain my composure.

One question kept repeating itself continuously in my head.

"What am I going to do?" I cried quietly, a few tears freeing themselves. Quickly I wiped them away and sniffed pathetically as Agent Larko looked at me, a fierce gleam in his blue eyes.

"Jamie," he said while firmly grasping my shoulders. "I promise you, I will do everything in my power to put this man behind bars."

I looked at him with my watery eyes and nodded, hiccupping slightly. Even though he had promised to protect me, he hadn't answered my question.

What was I going to do?

A soft knock broke me out of my thoughts. Agent Larko took his hands away from my shoulders and told whoever it was to come in. Mrs. Iero peered into my small kitchen, her eyes graced over me and held so much sympathy it made me stomach turn.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "Am I interrupting something?"

I shook my head as Agent Larko said a firm, "No."

Tentatively she smiled before asking for a word with me. Being the gentleman that he is, Agent Larko bowed out gracefully, having to duck his head as he walked through the door to avoid a small collision with the door frame. He then walked into what I assumed to be the living room. I struggled frantically for my fleeting composure while Mrs. Iero approached me. As she drew closer, I turned to her plastering a very convincing yet fake smile on my face. She stood a few feet away from me with a watery smile. Suddenly she let out a small whimper and rushed towards me, throwing her arms about my frame. I stiffened at first at the sudden contact, my eye wide from shock.

She cried into my shoulder muttering apologizes as she stroked my hair and rubbed my back. Awkwardly, I brought my arms up to try and consol this hysterical woman. While I attempted this rather large task, Mr. Way and Mrs. Toro came bursting into the room, obviously alarmed by Mrs. Iero's cry of anguish prior. When he saw our position, Mr. Way gave a quizzical look and I just shrugged, nodding towards Mrs. Toro to show that I was fine. Readjusting my body so that I was more comfortable I listened to Mrs. Iero as she ranted out of remorse.

"I'm so s-sorry Jamie," she wailed while hiccupping slightly. Turning so that I could look at her tear-streaked face, I sighed.

"You did nothing wrong Mrs. Iero. Don't apologize," I demanded. She opened her mouth to retort but I spoke before she could open the floodgates once more.

"What happened today wasn't anyone's fault except for the man who actually did this," I said softly. "No one was hurt and everyone's safe. You need to stop worrying and move on."

I wanted so badly to believe my words but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to do it. However, she seemed to be convinced by my flawed words. If only it were so easy for me to believe. She smiled wearily before wiping away a few stray tears and giving me a tiny smile. It was easier for me to return it this time.

"You must think I'm such a wimp," she hiccupped. I shook my head.

"Not at all," I assured, "You're just a concerned parent and caring person."

She gave a watery laugh. "You've always been good about making other people feel better, Jame."

Shrugging I stood with her at my side. Holly sat up from where she laid peacefully at my feet and trotted after me through the kitchen and into the living room. When I entered, I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

The two large couches that sat facing each other were the object of my humor. I stood in the doorway facing the two plush couches and smiled. Situated on the couch located on my left were Siena, Bob, Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Ray and Mr. Way and Bryar. All looked petrified except for Siena who looked more anxious. Their gazes were all directed at the couch in front of them that was separated by a small coffee table. Agent Larko sat rigid on the couch opposite of my friends, looking a mix of irritated and apathetic. He surveyed the eight figures on the four-person couch, with scrutiny. There was awkward silence in the air which only disturbed by Mrs. Way and Toro who were standing over in a corner softly discussing something.

Thankfully, Holly broke the stillness with a small yelp before she clamored over to Gerard who smiled as she jumped into his awaiting arms. Agent Larko stood quickly and walked towards me. He stood a good two feet above me causing me to crane my neck up towards him in an uncomfortable manner. I felt Mrs. Iero grow tense next to me at his intimidating stance. I however, smiled up at him kindly and he returned the gesture.

"Glad to see you smile tonight," he said his gruff voice the only sound in the silence that had fallen upon the room again. I nodded and he continued. "I would advise you to stay with someone tonight-,"

"She'll be staying with me," Mrs. Iero interrupted earning a surprised look from both Frank and me. Agent Larko nodded and continued.

"So you should stay with someone tonight or until your mother returns."

I gave him a quizzical glance, wondering how he knew about my mother. He merely motioned towards the group of people trying to be inconspicuous about their eavesdropping. I made a soft 'oh' sound and waited for him to finish. He fished through his pant's pockets before pulling out a small piece of paper and pen.

"This," he said while scribbling something down, "is my personal number." He handed the paper to me and a thanked him. "Call this instead of the office. You've a better chance of reaching me with this."

I nodded and both of us began to walk towards the front door. I felt everyone's gazes on my back, burning through my black polo. I shivered slightly and continued to lead Agent Larko to the door. As I opened the door and stepped onto my front porch, Agent Larko began to speak.

"Listen kid," I cringed slightly at the nickname kid, "Be careful." I nearly scoffed and before I could stop myself, I spoke.

"What do you think I've been doing? Going around with a sign saying, 'hey come attack me!'?"

He laughed at my statement and went to ruffle my hair. Without thinking, my right hand shot up and grabbed his left, stopping him from touching me. Instantly I let go and mumbled an apology.

"At least you've got fast reflexes," he laughed. "Which give me an idea…" he trailed off, deep in thought. I stood patiently shivering slightly as the bitter winds wrapped around me. My hair flew about
my face in the breeze. Quickly I pulled it back behind my ears.

"Are you busy Friday evening?" Agent Larko's question caught me of guard.

"No."

"Come to this address," he said while handing me a card. "I want you to meet someone."

I nodded and placed the card into my pocket. Agent Larko then strode past me, biding his goodbyes, and walked into the night. I walked back into my house only to be met with Mr. Bryar, Mr. Toro and Ray walking down my stairs. Confused I opened my mouth to speak but Ray answered my unvoiced question.

"We made sure that you can't get into your room through the window."

"You probably don't need people breaking into your house," Mr. Toro joked.

I strained a laugh and thanked them before walking into the living room. People were scattered throughout the room talking and laughing. I was glad that they were able to have a good time despite what had happened. Suddenly a raving lunatic was tackling me in a hug.

"Oh my god!" Siena screamed. "Are you okay?" she asked while holding onto my stomach. I gave her a look. "Sorry dumb question," she mumbled. I chuckled, as she stood upright.

"But seriously, are you okay? You don't look so good."

"Yeah I'm fine," I sighed, "Just tired." She nodded before hugging me again.

"Call me if you want to talk. Or if you just want me to babble on about something stupid, okay?" I nodded at her and forced a smile. She didn’t seem too convinced.

"Seriously," she pushed, "If you need me, call. I don't care what time it is." I smiled a genuine smile this time.

"Don't worry hun," I said, "I'll be fine. I just need some sleep."

She nodded and gave me a small smile before walking out of my house with Bob and his parents. The rest of the night became a blur as fatigue overwhelmed me. I was vaguely aware of the many people speaking to me, asking me questions that I answered without thought. I dimly remembered packing an overnight bag, which was now on my shoulder. Holly's crate was near my feet and she whined from being confined. I sat quietly on the wooden swing outside my house, waiting for Mrs. Iero to come outside. She had insisted fervently that I stayed with her and Frank until my mom had returned from her business trip. I accepted the offer knowing that I didn't have an actual choice in the matter.

I swung back and forth lazily, the bitter autumn winds whipping through my hair. It numbed my body and eventual my mind followed suit. It formed a cocoon and wrapped itself loosely around my haggard form. I accepted it eagerly and settled into its embrace. Soon I began to drift off into a small corner of my mind, somewhere safe. No one to bother me, I was alone and content.

If only life were so kind.