What is This Feeling?

This phenomenal banner is brought to you by Tera Joe!

The short trek over to the Iero's house was passed in silence. Frank and his mother walked in front of me as I followed slowly behind. I felt alienated and alone. A sense of abandonment washed over me, breaking through the misty fog in my mind, and gave me such a great sense of self-pity that I was tempted to collapse on the cold ground and sob. I felt numerous emotions seep through the dissipating fog as my calm façade began to crumble.

Sniffing quietly I took a longing last glance at my home. It was dark and cold, showing no signs of the love that I had always found there. It's true when they say that it’s the people, not the place, that make a home. What I wanted more than anything was for my mother to wrap her comforting arms about me as I sobbed into her shoulder. Instinctively I placed one arm across my stomach, shivering slightly in the bitter autumn wind. As we climbed the few steps to their humble home, I felt more of the freezing fog vanish. My strength was fleeting, weakening my emotional state.

My breath hitched as Frank opened the front door. Neither seemed to notice. Swiftly, I tried to regain my breathing and fought back the near panic attack. Stepping through the door Frank turned towards his mother to help her in.

"Don't Frank," she ordered. "I may be old but I am perfectly capable of walking through the door myself."

Frank smiled and shook his head while she stepped through the open door. I felt a smile tug at my lips as I observed their interactions but as soon as it appeared, it left. Apprehensively I stepped through the door. As I walked past Frank, he stopped me, taking Holly's crate. I nodded my head in thanks before walking further into the house.

"She's too stubborn for her own good," Frank mumbled behind me.

"I heard that Franklin," Mrs. Iero said walking towards us. I smiled as Frank rolled his eyes muttering about his full name being used. Mrs. Iero then turned towards me with a kind smile. "Make yourself at home Jame," she said gently. "Frank, would you show her to the guest bedroom?"

Frank nodded before bending down to pick up Holly's crate. Thanking Mrs. Iero, I followed Frank closely up the narrow staircase, taking in all the framed photographs along the wall. Once we reached the small landing, we turned the narrow hall and stopped in front of a dark wooden door. Neither of us spoke as he opened the door. Awkwardly I thanked him again, taking Holly's crate from him and walked into the quaint room. Silently I walked over the dark wooded floor towards the twin-sized bed, placing Holly's crate on the floor beside it.
I stared unseeing at the bed in front of me as exhaustion finally set in. I was tempted to crawl under the warm comforter and sleep, just to forget, if not for a moment, the panic and dread I was feeling. The fog was becoming thinner by the second bringing with its absence the harsh reality of life.

"The bathroom is the second door to the right and my room is across the hall," Frank said quietly.

I jumped and spun on my heel to face him. I had completely forgotten his presence. I observed him as he stood nervously in the doorway scuffing his worn out converse into the floor. I watched him closely but said nothing. Finally he looked up at me but quickly looked down again. I sighed out of irritation deciding that it was time for him to leave.

"Thank you Frank," I said with fake gratitude. "Sleep well."

He looked up at me questioningly as I smiled at him with as much warmth as I could muster. He turned to leave and the smile fell from my face as a look of indifference replaced it. I watched his retreating figure in relief until he paused and turned to face me once more. Instantly I replaced the look of apathy with one of more feeling. He paused in the wooden doorway, his eyes held something in them that I couldn't place. At first glance, it looked like guilt.

What would he be guilty for?

"Jamie…" he began. I nodded to show that I had heard him and waited for his reply. It never came. We stood in another silence for a long while. It seemed as if he would never speak and I felt as if I were going to collapse emotionally at any second. Finally he spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I replied automatically, "It's not your fault."

Blankly I stared at him, my saving of face done with. He stared at me for a moment, his eyes shinned as if he wanted to say something but was unsure. He let out a defeated sigh.

"You're right," he spoke quietly "Goodnight Jamie."

And with that he turned and left.

I stared at the empty doorway for sometime before Holly's small whimpers brought me out of my thoughts. Bending down I opened the door to her crate. A small white ball of fluff sped out of the plastic cage, running in circles and yelping wildly. I shushed her while shutting and locking the large wooden door. Holly followed me, jumping as I walked. I smiled down at her, immediately feeling better as she sat with me on the bed.

I'm not sure how long I sat on that foreign bed in a foreign house but time at the moment didn’t matter. I stared down lovingly at the only family with me, feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions. They flew about my head wildly, raging back and forth. I was on a small precipice hanging on for what little control I had. However as I sat there, alone and scared, panic gripped me. I fell. The fog was gone and suddenly every emotion that had been held back before let loose. All the pain, fear, anger and resentment swirled in my head making me shake uncontrollably as I did the only thing that I could to make it stop.

I cried.