Hold My Hand

A five-year-old Casey raced through the cold white halls of the maternity wing of the hospital, trying to escape her uncle Carlos’s outstretched arms. She hadn’t seen her mother or father all day, and she had spent most of the morning coloring a beautiful picture of a teddy bear in the waiting room with Carlos while the various nurses cooed over her and catered to her every wish.

Being adorable wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

At least one of the nurses gave her a sparkly unicorn sticker, which Casey displayed proudly on her right hand, keeping the torn-out coloring book page clutched in her left hand.

The bear she had colored was from a Christmas coloring book, but Casey wasn’t exactly one to stick to a typical color scheme. The bear was every shade of the rainbow and then some, which would have probably earned her an art lesson from her uncle Kendall or uncle James, but Carlos didn’t care. He even let her color outside of the lines a little.

That’s why Carlos was her favorite uncle, even though she’d never tell anyone that.

When she thought about it, Casey realized that she’d been spending a lot of time with her uncles recently, and she wasn’t entirely sure why. Everyone just kept telling her that she was going to be a big sister. She was even wearing a bright pink tee shirt that had BIG SISTER printed across it in big red letters.

Casey wasn’t sure what all this hype was about, but she was dying to find out.



It had all started the other day. Casey had been out in the snow with her dad, Logan. The tiny white flakes kept drifting down from the sky, blanketing everything in white. The snow-covered yard was so bright that it made Casey’s little eyes hurt, and she realized that the hospital was that same blinding white, and that she didn’t like it at all.

Casey could remember being so bundled up in her puffy pink jacket, fuzzy socks, and thick gloves that she could barely move around to play. Her dad had to keep picking her up and moving her around because it took her forever to waddle anywhere in her cocoon of winter apparel.

She was happy that at least she got to play in the snow this year. Every other time it snowed, her mom wouldn’t let her go outside. She always said that it was too cold and that she’d get sick, but Casey didn’t really care. All she knew was that she wanted to play in the snow, and now she was finally getting to.

Casey and her dad had been building a snowman when it happened. Well, Logan was doing most of the work, but he had let Casey make the head and put the face on. She thought she did a pretty good job. Their snowman was definitely better than the one next door. The snowman next door didn’t have a Spongebob beanie or Ring Pop eyes, it was just a regular, boring ole snowman. Casey felt sorry for the poor kid who lived there.

She had just begun to give their snowman his carrot nose when her mom came to the front porch. She kept breathing heavily and shouting for them to come in the house. Casey kept hearing her father’s name jumble from her mother’s lips, and she immediately began to get frightened. She only really heard his name when something bad was happening.

But her dad just smiled down at her and lifted her up onto his shoulders as he walked towards the house, and Casey wasn’t so scared anymore.



When they got inside, her mom was rushing frantically around the living room, gathering up bags and placing them on the sofa.

“Logan, can you please help me? We need to get to the hospital!” her mom said, her voice filled with anxiety and frustration.

Her dad sighed as he grasped Casey’s tiny hand in his. “Kandi, you need to calm down. We’ll get there when we get there, there’s no need to stress yourself out over it.”

Casey heard a gush of breath escape her mother’s lips, and she could see her mom’s shoulders relax as she pushed wisps of chestnut strands from her face.

“You’re right,” she admitted and her breathing began to steady. She knelt down so that she would be on Casey’s level. “Are you excited to go see Uncle James and Aunt Autum? It’s been forever since you’ve spent the night over there.”

Casey nodded her head slowly at first, but she couldn’t keep herself from grinning whenever she thought about playing with her uncle James.

“Awesome!” her mom squealed, trying to melt away some of the tension in the room. “Well Daddy’s gonna go get your bag and take you over to see Uncle James. I’ll miss you, but when you see me next, you’ll get to meet your baby brother!” She leaned down and kissed her daughter’s forehead.

“Miss you, too,” Casey smiled up at her mom and threw her tiny arms around her neck.

Kandi stood up and ran a hand through Casey’s soft hair. “Be good for Uncle James and Aunt Autum, okay.”

“I will,” Casey replied, rolling her eyes slightly. It was a habit that ran hard in the family.



Casey couldn’t really remember the car ride to James’s house, she just remembered how nervous her father was and how his anxiety was making her even more giddy. She wasn’t used to seeing him like that; whenever he was around her mom, he was always so calm and collected. Well, he kind of had to be the centered one or else the house would be in chaos. Casey was only five years old, but she still had some sense of what made her family tick.

Casey was also aware of the fact that Logan was not her real father. Everyone thought she was oblivious, but she wasn’t. She could vaguely picture her real father in her mind, even if those memories were a little blurry. She knew that he had left; she could remember the screaming. She also remembered first meeting Logan. They had been at McDonald’s, and her mom had gotten her chicken nuggets, then Logan came and sat down with them. All she could pull from her young memory was that Logan had warm eyes and that her mom seemed really happy with him, and then he became her daddy and she didn’t miss her old daddy so much anymore.

Her aunt Autum was waiting for her in the freshly shoveled driveway when they pulled up. Casey laughed because her aunt was just as bundled up as she was.

Autum opened the door to the backseat and unbuckled Casey from her booster seat.

“Hey baby doll, you just look so precious!” she cooed, tucking a lock of hair behind Casey’s ear. “Are you ready to have some fun?”

Casey responded with a nod and a wild grin.

“Well that’s great, can you hold my hand?”

The little girl nodded again and placed her tiny, gloved hand in Autum’s as she helped the girl from the car.

Casey could feel Autum’s other hand resting on her shoulder.

“Okay darling, say bye to Daddy!” Autum prompted her as she gently removed her hand from the little girl’s shoulder and waved at Logan.

“Bye Daddy!” Casey shouted, waving back and forth wildly at Logan as he began to crank the car up.

“Bye sweetie, be good,” he replied before he pulled out. Casey watched in the driveway as the silver SUV vanished from her sight.

Noticing the pout on her niece’s face, Autum quickly took her inside.

“Now, Miss Casey Jean, what is it that you want to play while we wait for Uncle James to get back?” Autum asked, sitting cross-legged on the carpet with Casey.

Casey placed her index finger on her chin and pretended to be deep in thought; it always got her a lot of attention around the grown-ups. “Can we watch Spongebob?”

Autum smiled to herself and laughed softly. “If that’s what you really want to do, we’ll watch Spongebob.”

Casey squealed as Autum sat on the big leather armchair in the living room and hoisted her up onto her lap. They happily watched Spongebob until James returned from his run to the store.

“Uncle James, will you play fashion show with us?” Casey asked as soon as her uncle entered the room, his arms filled with bags of groceries.

She could tell James’s was beginning to protest, so she silently begged him with puppy dog eyes.

“Oh alright, I’ll play with you guys,” he said with a warm smile before setting the bags onto the hardwood floor beneath his feet.

James soon regretted his decision after staring at himself in the full-length mirror in their hallway, his tawny brown hair teased up in every direction and hot pink lipstick smeared across his cheek.

Autum strolled over to him in her own fashionable ensemble and placed a hand on his shoulder as they both stared at each other’s reflection in the mirror.

“Aw babe, you look gorgeous,” she commented with a laugh as her fingers grazed the magenta feather boa that hung over his shoulders.

“Thanks,” he replied with a slight roll of his eyes.

It wasn’t long before they heard Casey trampling down the hall in a pair of her aunt’s old high heels. The little girl stood between them, and her eyes slowly appraised them, obviously proud of her creations.

She had spent the most time on James, in part because she thought he was just so pretty. She had to develop some look in her five-year-old mind that did justice to James’s beauty. She was amazed by how the glittery silver eyeshadow she’d picked out brought out the tiny flecks of green in his coppery eyes and how the way she’d pulled his hair back allowed her to better see his gentle face.

The fashion show was the highlight of her afternoon. A wide toothy grin spread across her face as she watched her aunt and uncle fiercely strut down the hall to the beat of the random Rihanna song that was playing on MTV. When they each grabbed her hands and walked her down the hallway alongside them, she felt as if she was on top of the world.

Of course, like all good things, it had to come to an end, and as always, Casey put up a fight. It took Autum almost an hour to calm her down from her tantrum and convince her to take a bath. Casey finally gave in when she promised her hot chocolate before bed, which was a big no-no at home.

Tucked in between the covers of the guest bed with her mug of hot cocoa in hand, Casey was content.

James and Autum both came in to read her a bedtime story, and when she finished drinking her cocoa, Autum set the empty cup on the nightstand. Both leaned down and kissed her forehead, whispering “good night” and “sweet dreams.”

After James had left the room, Autum stood in the doorway, the light from the hallway casting her shadow onto the wall behind Casey.

“When you wake up in the morning, you’re going to be a big sister,” she said with a smile before closing the door.

Casey felt like it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting for Santa Claus to bring her presents, except she wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.



The next morning, Casey was awakened from her dreams by James, who told her that he was going to take her to see Uncle Kendall. He quickly made her a breakfast of Lucky Charms and orange juice, all the while muttering about how her parents would kill him for giving her that much sugar.

After breakfast, James helped Casey brush her teeth and got her changed into the clothes from her little pink overnight bag, then they went through the routine of getting her into her bundle of winter clothes.

Casey smiled as soon as she spotted Kendall sitting on the living room sofa. Soft flakes of snow were melting in his dirty blonde hair, but his green eyes were filled with excitement.

“Hey Casey, are you ready to go?” he asked, holding out his arms for her to run into.

Casey obliged, and as she nodded, she could feel the dampness of melted snow against her cheek as she nestled against his chest. She could feel his warm hand run through her hair.

“Alright then, let’s roll out!” he declared, hoisting her up into his arms as he walked towards the door. He and James exchanged goodbyes before they walked outside. Casey was automatically greeted with a wall of cold wind and huddled against Kendall for warmth.

It wasn’t long before they reached the toasty interior of her uncle’s car. Kendall quickly fastened Casey into the front seat before rushing to the other side and settling into the driver’s seat. Kendall was the only family member that let Casey sit up front, and she enjoyed it, even though she had to stretch her neck like a giraffe in order to see anything.

On the way to the hospital, they sung along to Michael Jackson and named all of the colors of the cars that passed them by on the highway. Casey liked the white ones the best because they blended in with the snow that was all around them.

While they were stopped at a red light, Casey looked over at her uncle and asked, “Ken-doll, what’s a big sister?”

She saw him smile a little to himself before answering. “A big sister is someone who looks out for her baby brother and never lets him get hurt. She helps her mom and dad take care of him when they need it, and she doesn’t cry or get fussy when they can’t play with her.”

“Do you think I’ll be a good big sister?”

“Of course you will. You’ll be the best big sister in the whole world.”

Casey smiled, a little bit of the anxiety lifted off her shoulders.



Kendall and Casey sat in a booth in the hospital’s café; Casey munching on a grilled cheese sandwich while Kendall casually sipped his black coffee. Both pairs of eyes were focused on the tiny toy train that chugged along the winding track above their heads.

Occasionally a flash would snap them out of their trance, but Casey was used to the people taking pictures by now. Her parents said it was because she was so pretty and everyone wanted to see her.

“When will I get to see Daddy and Mama?” Casey asked as soon as she finished her lunch.

“Don’t worry,” Kendall reassured her with a smile. “You’ll get to see them soon-“

He was suddenly interrupted by music blaring from the phone resting on the table between them, and Casey just knew that it was the girl with the blonde hair coming to steal him away from her again. It always was.

Casey could hear Kendall talking in a blur of words; “honey,” “baby,” and “sweetie” being the most frequent, but she couldn’t make out what he was talking about.

“Sure, I’ll be there soon….Bye,” he spoke into his phone before sliding it closed.

“You have to go,” Casey whimpered, sticking out her bottom lip, even though she knew it never worked with Kendall.

Kendall sighed; he hated to let his niece down like this every time he got to see her, but his girlfriend wasn’t very understanding.

“Yes…but don’t worry, I’ll see you again later, baby girl!” He forced a smile as he ruffled up the young girl’s hair. “Uncle Carlos is coming to see you now and take you to your mom and dad.”

Casey’s face immediately lit up; everyone knew how much Casey adored Carlos. Losing Kendall wasn’t so bad if Carlos was his replacement.



Now Casey was standing outside the door of Room 309, waiting for Carlos to catch up. Knowing that her mother, father, and new baby brother were on the other side of the door made the butterflies start fluttering around like crazy in Casey’s stomach. Normally, she would’ve managed to get the door open on her own, but she was a little afraid of what was to come, so she waited for Carlos to open it instead.

The softhearted glow in Carlos’s brown eyes gave Casey the courage to peek into the doorway.

The first familiar face she saw was Logan’s, and the wide dimpled smile that formed across his lips was immediately reflected onto Casey’s. Before she knew it, she was running towards him, ignoring the nurses and other few family members already in the room.

Carlos entered slowly behind her, casually waving to the others in the small room before standing in the far corner of the room near Logan.

“Hey sweetie, did you have fun with your uncles?” Logan asked, leaning forward slightly so that they were eye to eye.

Casey nodded fervently, suddenly becoming bashful as she noticed all the people gathered around them. She had to duck pass someone’s knees to see her mother in the bed. Relief flooded her tiny body upon seeing that both of her parents were okay.

“Casey, would you like to meet your baby brother Eben?” Kandi asked, beckoning for her daughter to come over to the side of the bed.

Casey cautiously left her father and slowly made her way over to her mother.

“I made this for you!” she squealed, waving the coloring book page at her mom ecstatically.

Kandi shifted the blue bundle in her arms and took the picture, carefully examining it with tired brown eyes. “Omigosh, this is so good! Thank you, baby girl. I’ll put it right here so I can see it,” she said softly, placing the picture on the bedside table beside her.

Casey grinned, anxiously awaiting to catch a glimpse of the baby. She’d heard so much about him for so long, she just couldn’t contain her excitement any longer.

When her mother finally adjusted the baby so that Casey could see him, she was in awe. He was just so tiny, and she couldn’t deny the immediate urge she felt to protect him.

Staring into the newborn’s squinty eyes, Casey remarked, “I think he likes me.”

Kandi smiled. “I think he does too.”

Casey peeled the unicorn sticker from the back of her hand and carefully reached for the baby’s tiny fist, gently rubbing the sticker onto his hand. She couldn’t help but think that it made her feel better seeing him have it than it would keeping it for herself.

And she was definitely sure that she would be an awesome big sister.