Bloody Knuckles and Shotgun Shells
Goodbye's Always the Hardest Part
Allison's POV:
My entire body is heavy; numb. Moving is a task so staggeringly difficult that giving up sounds like paradise (minus the sunshine and murky ocean water). When Chip asks what was wrong it’s as if he is doing so from outside of where I am. I can barely hear him, as I am lost in my own black hole of a mind. He asks again. I make no effort to answer, let alone look in his general direction. I just keep walking. Moving. Because if I stop now I won’t be able to go on.
In every sappy, piece of shit movie they say you’re heart feels missing when you find yourself struck by loss. No. They fucking lie. Instead of emptiness there’s an ache so sickeningly painful that you actually wish you didn’t have a heart to begin with.
Hearts. Feelings. And God-forbid: love. In the end the only thing you ever have to show for them is pain. He’s gone. He’s not coming back. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be this way.
But –as every teacher, parent or “authority figure” would say—the world isn’t perfect.
I can’t help but wonder about the “what might have been”. It’s unhealthy. But it’s natural. And somehow it’s better.
“Do you think we’d have had handsome children?” I find myself asking. Stunned silence ensues. They’re shocked that I even spoke, let alone to ask such an out-of-character question. I couldn’t help myself; it just came out.
Out of the corner of my eye I see them staring at me, wide-eyed and speechless. Ashton opens her mouth to say something but quickly closes it. Why can’t they say anything?
They don’t know what to say. Words won’t make it better anyway.
We continue walking. The silence makes it feel like an eternity has passed. My brain is in such a jumble that I can’t bring myself to speak again. I want to talk. To tell them that I can’t do it. I can’t keep fighting. I’ve got nothing left. I just want it to be over.
I want to die.
I close my eyes and white light fills my vision. I’m cold. I feel dead already. Just put the gun up to my head and pull the trigger. Please. Someone.
I can’t.
“Yes you can.” My eyes snap open and search the faces of my tired and broken companions. None of them are looking at me. None look as though they’ve spoken at all.
…Who?
I look up and a sliver of the sun is visible through the thick black masses that hang there.
“This is your paradise now,” the voice speaks again. I glance back at Chip, Ashton and Alex.
It’s not like they really need me. I’m a liability now. Broken.
The phantom speaker verbalizes again. “Now you know that’s not true. You’re never broken. Never hurt. Like a stone.” A smile twists the corner of my mouth. “You didn’t even flinch when you shot that round right through my head.” I shudder. That’s not funny, Joey. His laugher echoes through my head.
He’s gone, Allison, I remind myself.
“I’m gonna miss those damned glasses,” I mumble. Oh God, here come the tears. Alex understands right away; he pulls me into a tight hug.
“It’s okay; I’ve got you,” Joey says in my head and Alex says in the real world. Joey’s voice isn’t real. It’s a mechanism my mind’s made to cope. He speaks again: “Just let go. You need to let me go.”
My control breaks. Violently.
My hands wrap tight fists around clumps of Alex’s hoodie and I find myself screaming. My lungs feel like they’ll explode. Part of me wishes they would.
“Chin up, soldier.” His voice is all I can hear, even above my own outcry. Please don’t leave me, my thoughts beg. Please. I need you.
“No. You’re strong. A fighter.” It’s a front—a mask I wear— Joey. I’m weak. I can’t do this. “You can.” His voice breaks. “You have to.”
Alex is patiently supporting me with his shoulder. I can’t feel my legs. Or my arms.
“A proper goodbye is in order, I think.” Oh God, no. Please don’t go. “You know I have to.” I sniffle loudly. “I’ve never met anyone like you. You made me laugh. You are tough. As nails. My only regret is I couldn’t say this in person. But, I love you.” I sob into Alex’s chest. I fucking love you too, you clumsy son-of-a-bitch. You son-of-a-bitch. He laughs again.
“Goodbye, Allison.”
Goodbye, Joey. I swear to God I’ll never forget you.
My entire body is heavy; numb. Moving is a task so staggeringly difficult that giving up sounds like paradise (minus the sunshine and murky ocean water). When Chip asks what was wrong it’s as if he is doing so from outside of where I am. I can barely hear him, as I am lost in my own black hole of a mind. He asks again. I make no effort to answer, let alone look in his general direction. I just keep walking. Moving. Because if I stop now I won’t be able to go on.
In every sappy, piece of shit movie they say you’re heart feels missing when you find yourself struck by loss. No. They fucking lie. Instead of emptiness there’s an ache so sickeningly painful that you actually wish you didn’t have a heart to begin with.
Hearts. Feelings. And God-forbid: love. In the end the only thing you ever have to show for them is pain. He’s gone. He’s not coming back. In a perfect world it wouldn’t be this way.
But –as every teacher, parent or “authority figure” would say—the world isn’t perfect.
I can’t help but wonder about the “what might have been”. It’s unhealthy. But it’s natural. And somehow it’s better.
“Do you think we’d have had handsome children?” I find myself asking. Stunned silence ensues. They’re shocked that I even spoke, let alone to ask such an out-of-character question. I couldn’t help myself; it just came out.
Out of the corner of my eye I see them staring at me, wide-eyed and speechless. Ashton opens her mouth to say something but quickly closes it. Why can’t they say anything?
They don’t know what to say. Words won’t make it better anyway.
We continue walking. The silence makes it feel like an eternity has passed. My brain is in such a jumble that I can’t bring myself to speak again. I want to talk. To tell them that I can’t do it. I can’t keep fighting. I’ve got nothing left. I just want it to be over.
I want to die.
I close my eyes and white light fills my vision. I’m cold. I feel dead already. Just put the gun up to my head and pull the trigger. Please. Someone.
I can’t.
“Yes you can.” My eyes snap open and search the faces of my tired and broken companions. None of them are looking at me. None look as though they’ve spoken at all.
…Who?
I look up and a sliver of the sun is visible through the thick black masses that hang there.
“This is your paradise now,” the voice speaks again. I glance back at Chip, Ashton and Alex.
It’s not like they really need me. I’m a liability now. Broken.
The phantom speaker verbalizes again. “Now you know that’s not true. You’re never broken. Never hurt. Like a stone.” A smile twists the corner of my mouth. “You didn’t even flinch when you shot that round right through my head.” I shudder. That’s not funny, Joey. His laugher echoes through my head.
He’s gone, Allison, I remind myself.
“I’m gonna miss those damned glasses,” I mumble. Oh God, here come the tears. Alex understands right away; he pulls me into a tight hug.
“It’s okay; I’ve got you,” Joey says in my head and Alex says in the real world. Joey’s voice isn’t real. It’s a mechanism my mind’s made to cope. He speaks again: “Just let go. You need to let me go.”
My control breaks. Violently.
My hands wrap tight fists around clumps of Alex’s hoodie and I find myself screaming. My lungs feel like they’ll explode. Part of me wishes they would.
“Chin up, soldier.” His voice is all I can hear, even above my own outcry. Please don’t leave me, my thoughts beg. Please. I need you.
“No. You’re strong. A fighter.” It’s a front—a mask I wear— Joey. I’m weak. I can’t do this. “You can.” His voice breaks. “You have to.”
Alex is patiently supporting me with his shoulder. I can’t feel my legs. Or my arms.
“A proper goodbye is in order, I think.” Oh God, no. Please don’t go. “You know I have to.” I sniffle loudly. “I’ve never met anyone like you. You made me laugh. You are tough. As nails. My only regret is I couldn’t say this in person. But, I love you.” I sob into Alex’s chest. I fucking love you too, you clumsy son-of-a-bitch. You son-of-a-bitch. He laughs again.
“Goodbye, Allison.”
Goodbye, Joey. I swear to God I’ll never forget you.
♠ ♠ ♠
AN: Wooooow. I think I got a bit too emotionally involved in this one. haha.Comments are much appreciated. Thanks yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall
-Allison