Women of Anarchy: Never Look Back

The next morning I woke up staring at the ceiling. Jax had left for home later last night and now today was the day I was going to bury my fiancé. Not even 30 and I’m basically being widowed I thought to myself tears slipping softly down my face. I walked to the bathroom and showered. Wrapping a robe around me I started on my hair and make up my mind blank almost the entire time. After getting dressed. I sat on my freshly made bed and looked at my hands. My engagement ring still held the same shine it did the day Jason got done on his knee and asked me to marry him. Tears stung my eyes but I blinked them away. Too many tears would be shed on my part today. Slowly I grabbed my shawl cover up and clutch before walking downstairs. My mom gave me a small half smile from the bottom of the stairs. I heard voices in the dining room and figured the guys were already here. I walked to the window and pulled back the curtain slightly seeing all the motorcycles from Samcro and the Hidalgos. I sighed closing my eyes and stared off my mind running a thousand miles a minute. “Dixie” a hand was gently placed on my shoulder causing me to jump slightly. “Tim” I breathed seeing Jason’s brother. He opened his arms and I wrapped mine around him. He soothingly rubbed my back up and down before pulling away. His wife Stacy was standing behind him her 5 month belly poking out proudly from under her black dress. “Hey Stac” I mumbled softly bringing her into a soft hug. Finally it was time to go to the funeral home for the service. Clay, dad and the boys climbed on their bikes. Roaring to life the Hidalgos drove infront of the cars while Samcro followed behind. The service passed by in a blur. With different people hugging me and saying their apologies, but I kept my eyes on the casket. Jax stood to my right while Tig was directly behind me and Half Sack to my left. Jax kept his promise and never left my side. The shining of the wood glistened in the heavy lights drawing my attention back to it. Almost begging me to come closer. Once the throng of people died down I slowly stood up and walked towards it. Thankful we could have an open casket so I could see him one more time. Face to face. He was pale. So so pale compared to his usual sun kissed skin. His lips were dry and almost cracked. Tears stung my eyes. I gently placed my hand on the glossy wood and leaned in placing a final soft kiss on his cold forehead. I pulled back covering my mouth to keep a loud sob at bay and quickly walked out of the building. I walked to the side of the building and wrapped my arms around myself as I backed up against the brick wall. Tears swam down my face like a waterfall. I heard footsteps but kept my eyes closed. My breathing becoming uneven. The footsteps quickened slightly “Dixie?” a voice called out followed by more footsteps coming closer to me. “Dixie” the voice was right beside me. I opened my eyes before throwing myself at Jax. His arms wrapped around me in a hug as I continued to cry. “I can’t do this!” I cried “I can’t bury him! I need him!”. “Yes you can. Dixie your strong you can do this.” He said reassuringly. I nodded as he wiped away the smeared black make up. Not long it was time to go to the cemetery. Tim, Stacy, myself, and Jason’s parents got in the limo. Jason’s charter led all the vehicles while the rest of the Hidalgos and SAMCRO followed suit. Unser and David had blocked off the roads for us. Once at the graveyard unwelcomed memories flooded my mind. Mostly from John’s funeral. The images of Jax breaking down and crying beside John’s headstone flew across my mind. That was the first and last time I had even seen him cry. One by one we climbed out of the limo. My mom, Luann, Gemma walked up beside me after getting out of the suv. My mom gave me the single red rose I had left in her car before walking with me to the chairs. The number of people surrounding the casket and chairs was outstanding. Bikers, soldiers, family, friends and even people I didn’t recognize. The strangers looked to be locals holding up American flags or homemade signs of thanks. Everyone day down in chairs the ole’ ladys had their men behind them. Will and Jax stood behind me. Six uniformed soldiers carried the flag covered coffin to the center of the chairs before saluting it. “Let us pray” Brother Donnie the preacher I had known since I was 4 said. Everyone fell silent as he prayed to God “Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt…”. Lee, a high school friend, of Jason stood up after the prayer as music played. He sang a country song tearing up during the chorus. A friend of Jason's from the Army stood and talked about how much of an impact Jason made on his life after Brother Donnie prayed again. The soldiers then picked up the flag carefully and folded it perfectly into a triangle. It was handed to the Sargent in charge. He turn to me "In honor of Jason Sanders, We, the United States Army, and the President of this Great Nation are sorry for your loss" he said sincerly giving me the flag. I nodded a thanks and held the flag close to my heart. The 21 gun salute started each man and woman took aim upon command before firing each of the three times I jumped slightly even though I was expecting it. "And now we'll say goodbye to Jason Sanders one last time" Brother Donnie spoke softly. Jason's parents stood and whispered their goodbye followed by Tim and Stacy. Now it was my turn. I stood on shaky legs and walked to the casket slowly the rose and flag clutched tightly in my hand. "Your promised you would never leave me. I had to say goodbye in Iraq and now Im having to say goodbye again..." I placed the single red rose on the casket and cried my legs giving out in the process. My bare knees hit the dead dry grass cutting open small gashes. My body shook with sobs. One hand clutched the side of the casket so tightly my knuckles turned white and my hand began to ache from the pressure. I held the flag to my chest holding on to all I had left of him. Two pairs of hands gently took hold of my shoulders. "Come on honey..." my mom's soothing voice called out. Her, Gemma, and Luann helped me up and walked me away from all the sorrowful eyes watching. I leaned against a tree taking deep breaths. "Here.." Gemma offered me her silver flask. I popped the cap back and took a large swig before coughing slightly at the strong burning. Only Gemma would carry Everclear the drink containing 95% pure alchohol. I took a smaller sip before handing it back to her. Jason's mom, Denise, walked over "Oh darling" she whispered. "Jason loved you. We all still love you. You hear me?" he voice cracking. I nodded she kissed my cheek before walking away. Tim and Stacy followed her after each giving me a hug. The boys took their place behind me. "Dixie.." I cut off Clay by walking away not wanting to hear the awaiting apology that was coming. I stopped at the hill the cars were parked on and watched as the casket was lowered...