Women of Anarchy: Never Look Back

I was numb. Numb to the world. Numb to the physical pain from the outside world, but the pain of my emotions was tearing me apart on the inside.

As soon as I got home I quickly made my way to my room and locked the door. Stripping from my dress and shoes I pulled the many pins from my hair letting it fall in its natural curl over my shoulders. I walked over to my trunk at the foot of my bed and slowly kneeled in front of it. With shaky hands and a tear stained face I fumbled with the latches finally opening the two before lifting the heavy top. Pictures were taped on the inside of the top. I was met with different faces staring up at me frozen in time. Pictures. .Old pictures of the original 9. My parents’ wedding. A few were of me, Jax, and Thomas. Leaning forward I reached inside pulling out a black button down shirt. I held it to my face. Old spice filled my senses along with Jason’s own natural musky smell. Tears fell softly from my sore eyes. I pulled the shirt over my head not needing to unbutton any of the buttons. I reached inside and pulled out a shoebox. Standing up I set the shoebox on my nightstand, turned on my radio to some random station and crawled in bed. I wrapped the blankets around me tightly making a cocoon. My temporary safe haven. Pulling the collar up around my face. I breathed in deeply. I reached underneath the bed and pulled out the bottle of Jack Daniels I had stashed earlier in the week knowing I was going to need it. I unscrewed the top and chugged a few mouthfuls. Grabbing hold of Jason’s folded flag I held it to my chest. I laid there a while sipping on the Jack until I felt a buzz coming.

“There ain’t nothing like memory when its coming on strong like a hurricane. How can love like that just up and walk away…Its killing me baby” I sang softly to the song Jason and I wrote together. “It’s got me pouring up another drink, bourbon’s hitting me hard like a freight train. With my back up against the wall or on my knees when the worst of your memory gets the best of me” I whispered softly crying in the process. I have no idea how long I laid there before I sat up and reached for the box. I sat it on my lap contemplating if I should open it or not. Cautiously I lifted the top before setting it beside me. Memories spilled out of it hitting me all at once causing the next sob session to break free. I reached in and pulled out a small pile of folded notes. The creases were distinct after being folded repeatedly. I opened them up. A total of 15 letters all from Jason. He sent them from overseas when he was stationed in Afghanistan and I was at home. We had just moved in together when he was called out to service. He served a short time though. I went through each one reading each line soaking in every detail of the ink that had soaked into the page. Tears fell from my face meeting the notebook paper where he signed his name. He always signed with ‘I love you more than air. Yours always Love, Jason Sanders XoXo’.
After all but memorizing the letters I set them down as well. I pulled out a stack of pictures. Smiling slightly at the first one. The week in Barcelona. Jason and I were in the water knee deep. I was using a water proof camera holding it out to capture the moment in time of Jason and I kissing. Capturing the kiss and tropical scene behind us. I flipped the picture over biting my lip tears slipping past my cold cheeks ‘ Me and my Dixie  Barcelona ‘ was written in Jason’s messy handwiriting. ‘My Dixie’ I read those two words over and over causing my heart to give a painful thud as it beat against my chest. The next was at his parents’ lake house. It was sunset and you were only able to see the dark outline of Jason and I kissing with the orange and red sunset. Lastly was one I had taken of Jason. My love for photography had come in handy that day. It was definitely my favorite.
~ The birds chirped loudly as I sat curled up in wooden rocking chair that was sitting on the porch of mine and Jason’s house . I held my new camera in my hands grinning like a fool. Jason had given me for our anniversary. I was going through the different settings when I heard the door open with a small creak.
“So I take it ya like it?” Jason laughed leaning on the rail of the porch sipping his coffee. “Like it? I love it babe!! You outdid yourself” I smiled walking over to him. I wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed his lips. “Only the best for you “ he smiled.
“Well I need a picture of the awesome boyfriend who gave me the best!” I giggled.
“Fine, fine..” he mumbled as I took a few steps back and brought the camera up to my eye and snapped the picture.
“You look so….serious” I smiled before bursting with laughter. Jason stuck his tongue out at me before wrapping his arms around me from behind. I turned my head to look back at him and kissed him again.~

Wobbling out of my bed, after putting the pictures back in the shoebox, I took another long sip of my drink and swayed to my desk that was scattered with picture frames and decorative items. Not knowing what came over me with a swipe of my hand and in a drunken rage I knocked everything off the desk and smashed my fist into the smiling faces. Blood, tears, and drops of Jack Daniels mixed with the shattered shards of glass now adorning the floor. I fell in a heap on the floor clutching the bottle with bloody hands. Pulling my knees up to my chest I cried again feeling the blood run like the Mississippi river down my wrist, arms, and hands. Thundering footsteps came from the hallway but I ignored them taking another sip from the bottle the buzz feeling washing over me.
I stood up once again using the walls and furniture for support and made my way to the bathroom. I turned on the hot water letting it fill the tub. I stared in the mirror for a moment before my fist made contact with the face that was staring back at my, more shards of glass sinking into my skin in the process. I turned back around and stopped the water. Carefully I stepped into the scolding hot water still wearing Jason’s shirt and underwear. I lowered myself into the water and sighed as my skin began to tingle from the heat. Lowering myself lower until the water hit my chin I took a deep breath and slowly sunk my head down under water. My eyes sealed shut the only sound I could hear was the muffled sound of my heartbeat. I forced my body to relax as my lungs started to burn and ache for oxygen. Bolting upright the water swooshed around me from the sudden movement and I slowly relaxed back against the back of the tub. I stayed in the water until it turned cold. I forced myself up out of the water, sober now, and changed into an oversized shirt and sweat pants. I sat in front of my shattered bathroom mirror and used tweezers to pull out the jagged shards that had been embedded into my skin. After ridding my skin of the glass I cleaned the wounds and wrapped them before walking back to my bed and falling asleep….