The Only Thing On My Wishlist

“Hey, this is Grant. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.”

“Hey, Grant.” I stammered into my phone as I paced the length of my room. “It’s Ellie. I’ve been calling you all day and I’m getting worried. I’m not sure if that’s the point, but call me when you get this. I…Um. I miss you.”

This wasn’t like me. I never really got to be that kind of girlfriend. Grant was usually the one calling every hour wondering where I was and who I was with. He never went this long without calling me. I guess you could say I was worried. I mean, why wouldn’t I be? My stage five clinger of a boyfriend basically dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe I was being dramatic, but I’ve called him five times and his roommate once and even he didn’t know where Grant was.

I can’t remember the exact day our relationship turned into this mess. It didn’t start out this way, that’s for sure. In the beginning, it was so new and exciting. We were young and in love, and I guess we still are, but now it’s different. He was so sweet when we started dating. He’d bring flowers to school just to see me blush and he’d always let me pick out the movies we’d see. It was perfect.

It was senior year. That much I can remember. Everyone was in guidance putting their final touches on early admission applications. Grant had been almost unbearable the entire week before, obsessing over recommendation letters and extracurricular activities. Duke had been his dream since forever. When I showed up that morning without the application he printed out for me, he dragged me into the art room because it wasn’t in use that period and he told me I was going to amount to nothing. When I started to cry, he called me a child and then he walked out of the room.

I honestly thought it was just a one-time thing. I never thought it would continue, but when December fifteenth rolled around and Grant got his acceptance letter, he made it a point to tell me that I wasn’t going to go anywhere in life. I guess I thought that’s where it would end. He’d comment on my lack of intelligence and childish manner and that would be it. But in April, when Austin Peterson asked me to prom, I wasn’t just an unintelligent child anymore. According to Grant, I was also a slut. I mean, I guess I understood where he was coming from. I wouldn’t be too happy if he was going to prom with another girl, but Grant wasn’t going to prom at all and Austin was gay.

I loved Grant, though. At least, I kept telling myself that. It was easier this way. I’ve loved him for so long that I’ve fallen into the routine. I knew how to deal with him. I’d invested so much into this relationship and it wasn’t worth losing.

I decided to just let it go for now. This was just Grant being Grant. He was trying to make me worry because I’m just a child playing games, so instead of going crazy, I was just going to relax and paint over the atrocious nail polish Lucy picked out.

I was four fingers in. Bare it in Trafalgar Square was now being covered by some neon blue color I found in the medicine cabinet. It wasn’t completely horrible. A little bright for my taste, but anything was better than the color that practically blended in with my skin tone.

“So, I was in bed with Max and—”

I looked up when I heard her voice. She was leaning against the doorframe with an unusually unpleasant look on her face. After knowing Lucy for almost three years, I knew she had only two emotions: overly happy and insanely bitchy. Whatever mood she was in now swung more toward annoyed. “I already don’t like where this conversation is going.”

She walked further into my room, her arms crossed tightly over her chest as she glared down at me. “Elliot, is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

I scrunched my eyebrows as I put the cap on the bottle of nail polish. Apparently I was the source of Lucy’s sour mood. “Not that I can think of.”

“Are you sure there isn’t anything you need to tell me?” She pressed, adding a tapping foot for dramatic effect.

“Is this about the gum?” I asked as I swung my legs over the bed. “I know it was your last piece, but Mom used way too much garlic in her marinara sauce.” I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time. I was desperate. I hadn’t realized she was so touchy about her gum. “I’ll replace it—”

“This isn’t about gum, Elliot!” She snapped, her face turning red. “You fooled around with Josh!”

My eyes grew wide as I choked on air. “Excuse me.”

“You and Josh!” She repeated. “You fooled around! And I had to hear about it from Max.” She was not happy. I think that much was evident. “Max, Elliot. That little wanker knew before me!”

I stood up from my bed. I took a deep breath and tried to phrase whatever I was going to say carefully. “It was nothing, Lucy.” I started. “Trust me. I didn’t even enjoy it. It was like kissing a St. Bernard.”

“Stop it, Ellie.” She whined. “You make it sound like Josh is repulsive.”

I bit my lip. “He sort of is.”

She shook her head. “If you thought he was repulsive, you would have never kissed him.”

“I was forced into it.”

I swear her eyes nearly popped out of her head. “Are you saying Josh forced himself on you. I will kill that little—”

“Calm down.” I threw my hands up. “He did not force himself on me. It was completely consensual.”

“Then why would you say something like that, Ellie?”

I shrugged, rolling my eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Well, you better play nice tonight.”

Now I was really lost. My plans for tonight included watching One Tree Hill reruns and eating excessive amounts of cookies. “Excuse me? Mom’s making gingerbread cookies. I told her I’d get into the Christmas spirit and help.”

“No.” She shook her head. “You’re coming to the movies with us. We’re going to see that new Jake Gyllenhaal movie.”

“No.” I said as I fell back onto my bed. “No, Lucy.”

She smiled tightly as she walked over to the bathroom. “It starts at eight. The boys will be here at seven. Be ready.”

~~

Seven really meant seven-thirty if your name was Josh Franceschi. He claimed it was Max’s fault and on any other day, I’d probably believe him, but today wasn’t any other day and it was blatantly obvious that I was pissed.

“You’re looking quite lovely, Ellie.” Josh smiled as his eyes glanced in the rearview.

“Quit being a cheeky twat, Josh.” I cringed as I looked down at where my feet were. I was ankle deep in a slew of garbage. Looking at it from the front seat was one thing, but having to actually sit in the filth of Josh’s backseat was on a completely different spectrum.

“You’re picking up the slang rather quickly.” He noted as he turned down a street.

“I’ve had a lot of practice.” I mumbled.

“Being a cheeky twat?” He smiled and I kicked the back of his seat. “I know.”

“Let’s play nice, yeah?” Lucy piped in. “We’re going to have a lovely night. Just the four of us.”

I just let her rant on about the perfect night we’d have. Pitying her was easier than fighting her. We all knew this night would be far from perfect, at least if I had it my way. The first chance I got I was going to shove my boot in Josh’s fat mouth. Let’s see if he can tell Max about our hook-up then.

I wasn’t sure if he picked the spot furthest from the theater on purpose, but I was not amused. It was cold and I was annoyed and those two feelings alone made for a terrible night.

“Let me buy your ticket for you.” Josh said as we stood in line. I swear they found the only movie theater in this area that had a functioning outdoor kiosk in the middle of December. My teeth were chattering so loud that I was sure the entire country could hear me. “Consider it a peace offering.”

“I’d rather swallow a handful of razorblades.” I wrapped my arms tight around my body, soaking up every last ounce of heat, which wasn’t much to begin with. Lucy claimed the blue scarf I was going to wear clashed with my outfit. It wasn’t like I was out to impress anybody, but she was already pissed about me not telling her about my night with Josh, so I wasn’t going to risk pushing her over the edge.

“You American girls are so dramatic.”

I decided ignoring him was the only suitable answer. Josh practically lived off of attention. If I wasn’t paying him any, he’d eventually move on to Lucy or Max, maybe even both. They had that creepy threesome thing going on that I tried desperately not to understand.

After I bought my ticket, I walked into the theater. Apparently there wasn’t anything better to do around here on a Saturday night. I was almost positive the entire city was crammed into the concession area, which made it that much harder finding Lucy and Max.

“Over here, Ellie.” Lucy screeched and I jumped back slightly as the entire room looked at me. I moved my eyes to the floor and pushed my way toward her. “Max is going to buy you all the goodies you want.” Lucy said as Max shot me a nervous smile. “Isn’t that right, muffin?”

He nodded. “I’m really sorry, Ellie. She made me tell her.”

“Yeah.” I mumbled. “But no one put a gun to Josh’s head…”

“Don’t be mad at him.” Max begged. “He’s like a girl with his emotions. The bloke wears his heart on his sleeve.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, he should write a song about it.” I said. “I want a Coke and sour watermelon and popcorn with extra butter.”

I told Lucy I was going to the bathroom and to save me a seat. It wasn’t a total lie. I was going to a bathroom.

Now, I didn’t frequent men’s restrooms a lot. Okay, I didn’t frequent men’s restrooms at all, so I was a bit taken back by the stench of urine and the lack of upkeep. You’d think they’d spray this place down with bleach every once and awhile.

“Elliot?.” His voice hit an octave higher than normal as he glanced at me through the mirror, like he’d never snuck a girl into a bathroom before. I met his last girlfriend. I could only imagine what the ones before her were like. “You can’t be in here. This is the men’s room and I’m fairly certain you aren’t a man.”

I shrugged, walking in further. I watched as he grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser. To be honest, I was shocked they even had them. “How would you know? You didn’t get that far, now did you?”

He seemed to catch on fast. “Look, Max said—”

I didn’t let him finish. Instead, I took one long stride and smacked him on his arm. “I don’t care what Max said.”

“Oi!” He cried, grabbing his shoulder in pain. “You filthy sla—“

“At what point did you think telling Max was a good idea?” I barked, pointing my finger at him like he was a child in trouble.

“This isn’t my—”

I slapped him again. “You kissed me. This is your fault.”

He pushed himself off of the counter, stepping closer to me as if there was really that much space separating us. “You kissed back.”

I kissed back.. It wasn’t like I had a choice. “You told Max!” I spat. “The kid is a fucking blabbermouth. Did you seriously think he wouldn’t tell Lucy?”

He shrugged. “I hoped.”

And that got him another smack.

“Oi!”

“You’re such a fuck up.” I crossed my arm, shaking my head as I glared at him. “No wonder your girlfriend broke up with you.”

It wasn’t until the words left my mouth that I realized what I had just said. And normally, I didn’t think twice about calling Josh a dick, or an asshole, or a moron, but I called him a fuck up. And that made me no different than Grant.

“I’m not a fuck up, Ellie.” He said slowly as he forced me to look at him. “You’re just scared and this is you trying to convince yourself that you didn’t feel anything that night.” He kept inching closer and a knot began to form in my throat. “You’re afraid that you might actually like me more than your arsehole of a boyfriend.”

I wasn’t afraid and I wasn’t scared and I most certainly did not like Josh more than Grant. “Shut up.”

“See.” He smiled. “You’re scared, Ellie. You’re scared of the feelings that you know you have for me.”

I wasn’t sure why my breathing picked up.

“Because maybe—just maybe—you liked the way I kissed you. And when I touched you, your entire body turned to jelly and you know Grant could never do that.”

“Shut up, Josh.” My voice quivered.

“But I won’t treat you the way that he does and that’s what really scares you.” He leaned in closer, his lips just hovering over mine. “That’s why you’re acting this way.” I could feel him brush over my mouth, his forehead pressed to mine. “Because you know I’m good for you.”

And just when I thought he was going to kiss me, someone walked in.

I jumped back, my heart landing somewhere in the middle of Josh and I as the older man just looked at us disapprovingly.

“We…Uh…We were just leaving.” I nodded, as I stumbled through the door, not caring whether or not Josh followed.

I really had no idea where he got off doing shit like that. I’ve known the kid less than a month and he already had some type of hold on me? No. That was not how this worked.

When I found Lucy and Max in the last row of the theater, I fell into my seat and grabbed my Coke from the cup holder, nearly sucking the whole thing down in one sip. Lucy looked over at me curiously, but when the previews started, she never got the chance to question me.

All hopes of enjoying the next hour and a half went out the window when Josh sat next to me. Now all I could do was defend my armrest and pray I went into some sort of sugar shock before the movie ended.

I wasn’t even sure why I let him get to me. I loved Grant. I wasn’t sure why I had to keep justifying that to myself. Josh was no one. He was a boy, who for a second, I almost lost myself to, but I was going to blame that mishap on the cold. I’m sure the temperature had some sort of effect on my judgment. That was the only way I would have ever kissed him.

“The movie’s over, Ellie.” Lucy laughed as she looked down at me. I hadn’t even realized the movie started.

We were barely out of the cinema when Lucy decided she wanted ice cream. It was nearly zero degrees and Lucy wanted ice cream. And of course Max goes along with her ridiculous idea because he doesn’t have a mind of his own. I was shivering just thinking about stepping into an ice cream parlor. I wasn’t dressed appropriate. “Lucy, it’s cold.”

She just smiled, grabbing Max’s hand as we braved the outside. “I’m not planning on eating outside, Ellie.”

“But ice cream shops are generally cold.”

“Suck it up.”

I wasn’t going to suck it up. She already ruined my plans of baking cookies and watching TV. I think I sucked enough up.

But Lucy always got her way because Max was wrapped so tight around her finger and all I could do was trudge along behind them and keep myself from wondering why Josh was so quiet.

“Elliot.”

And I froze, not because the wind was so cold, or because I wasn’t wearing that scarf. I froze because I knew that voice. His slight southern twang mixed with all the pent-up aggression in the world. I knew that voice too well.

I turned around slowly, thinking maybe it was all in my head. It had been a crazy day. Maybe this was my mind telling me I needed sleep.

But as soon as I turned around, I knew this wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. This was real. His perfectly kept sneakers were real. Those freshly ironed designer jeans were real. That expensive polo and that leather jacket were real. His dark brown eyes were real and his perfectly cut brown hair was real. All of this. It was real. “Grant?” I stammered.

“Let’s go.” He grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him. I could see people staring, not just Max, Lucy, and Josh. Everyone was watching us. I just hadn’t realized what a scene this would be.

“Grant, I-I—”

“No, Elliot. We’re going home.” He jerked me closer to him.

“Home?”

“We’re going back to Georgia. You can spend Christmas with my family.”

“Grant, I-I—”

“You don’t have a choice, Elliot.”

All that was going through my mind was how tight he was grasping my wrist, like he was holding on for dear life. I swear I could feel the blood stop flowing. I thought about letting out some sort of discomforting sound, but I knew Grant wouldn’t care.

“She does have a choice.”

Because things really couldn’t get any worse. I hoped everyone would just butt out. I mean, I knew it took a lot for Lucy to bite her tongue and she’d been relatively quiet these past few minutes. But at the moment, she wasn’t my problem.

“Josh.” I mumbled as I glanced over at him. He moved away from Lucy and Max and was now standing on the edge of the sidewalk a few steps away from me.

“No, Elliot.” He said sternly, grabbing my other wrist and he used all the force he had to pull me away from Grant. And surprisingly, he got me out of Grant’s death grip and sent me flying into Lucy and Max when he let go. “You do have a choice.” He looked back at me. “You don’t have to leave with him. Not if you don’t want to.”

“And who the fuck are you?” Grant closed the space between him and Josh. Grant was a good head taller than him, not to mention he’d been playing American football since he was seven. He worked out regularly, so Josh wasn’t exactly in a position to get on his bad side.

“Who the fuck am I?” Josh spat. “Who the fuck are you? You think you can just show up here and boss her around like you’re hot shit? It doesn’t work that way, mate.”

“Listen, buddy.” Grant seethed before pressing both of his hands to Josh’s chest, giving him one good shove, which sent Josh stumbling into Max. “Elliot isn’t your business. She’s mine, so back the fuck off.”

Josh recovered quickly, not missing a beat, but I grabbed his shoulder before he could retaliate . “Just stop.” I whispered, my mouth going dry. “I’m just gonna go with him.”

“Elliot.” Lucy started to protest, but I just shook my head.

“I’ll see you later.”

Grant grabbed my hand again, basically dragging my along the sidewalk. I could feel tears burning in my eyes, but I bit them back. I was too focused on the people staring at us to even think about crying. I didn’t get embarrassed easily, but I think this was an exception.

“I should have kicked that kid’s teeth in.” Grant hissed when we got to his rental car. I knew better than to come to Josh’s defense. I just stayed quiet, pulling my seatbelt over my shoulder as Grant started the car. “Do you have anything to say, Elliot?”

I shook my head.

“Of course you don’t. You’re a pathetic excuse for a woman. You can’t even defend yourself.”

My chin quivered as I dropped my head to the window, watching as the street signs passed. I didn’t even care that the glass was cold. It seemed to numb me and I’d give anything not to feel the words Grant was spitting at me.

“I could do so much better than you. Do you realize that?” He looked over at me briefly, shaking his head in disgust. “I could have my pick of girls, but I chose you. I don’t even know why anymore. You’re nothing special. You’re a waste of space most of the time. Completely worthless.”

All I could do was close my eyes and fight back the urge to cry. I knew I wasn’t a waste of space. I knew I wasn’t worthless. And I knew I was a good person who deserved better than this. I should be able to wake up in the morning and know someone out there really, honestly, truly loves me. I deserved to have someone who thought the world of me, someone who actually cared. I didn’t deserve this. “Take me home.”

“We are going home.” He replied coolly. “Our flight leaves tomorrow night.”

“Take me to my mother’s house.” I clarified.

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not playing this game, Elliot.”

“I need to pack, Grant.” I straightened up in my seat. “I’ll stay there tonight and I’ll come to your hotel tomorrow. You can’t expect me to leave without saying goodbye to my family.”

“Don’t give me that tone, Elliot.”

When he dropped me off, I got out of the car as quickly as possible. I knew everything inside of me was bubbling over and I refused to be that vulnerable in front of him. And as soon as his car was out of sight, the first tear fell.