The Only Thing On My Wishlist

“Ellie, honey?”

It must have been a mom thing. I hadn’t even turned the corner and she knew it was me. Maybe it was because it was eight in the morning and Lucy and Henry were infamous for sleeping in, or maybe it was just a guess. Wherever her psychic ability stemmed from, I didn’t really care right now. “Yeah, Mom?”

“Are you hungry?”

I crossed into the kitchen as she asked me the question, but I think eating was the last thing on my mind, so I just smiled instead. “Um, not really. Do you think I can borrow your car?” I asked quietly.

She looked a little alarmed as she set down the paper she was reading. She took her glasses off and raised her eyebrows in my direction. “Is everything alright? Lucy told me about last night. And I just…I knew I shouldn’t have told him where you were. He’s too convincing for his own good.”

I nodded as I tucked my hair behind my ears. It was a nervous habit that my mother knew well, so she probably saw through it, just like she did when I was little. I wasn’t a master liar. Sure, I could fake it for a while, but eventually someone would figure it out. “I just need to run an errand.”

“I can take you.” She offered. “I have a few things to get before the party tomorrow.”

“I promise I’m not going to run back to Georgia and if…um…you really need to know.” I cleared my throat, glancing around the kitchen. “I need to finish some…uh…Christmas shopping.”

She mouthed a silent “oh” and settled back into her chair, slipping her glasses back over her eyes and wrapping her hands around the paper. “The keys are by the door.”

I gave her a soft smile before spinning back around. I grabbed the keys from the bowl near the door and slipped my boots on.

I was met by a pleasant surprise when I opened the front door: a layer of white, fluffy snow coating the entire neighborhood, as if the nine inches we got a few weeks ago wasn’t enough. I was reluctant to drive in this country already, adding snow to the mix was just asking for trouble.

I got there in once piece. I mean, there was the moment where I almost spun out and hit a school bus, but other than that, it was smooth sailing. Finding a parking spot in the middle of London, however, wasn’t as easy. I think I circled the block five times before another car finally moved. I wasn’t sure why I was in such a rush. I spent most of the night a complete buddle of nerves, going over every possible scenario. After Josh left I found it impossible to fall back to sleep, but I pretended every hour when Lucy would come in to check on me.

When I walked into the hotel, the receptionist was hesitant to give me his room number, not believing my claims to be his wife. She quickly noted that I looked too young and wasn’t wearing a ring. I somehow convinced her; I wasn’t sure how. I liked to think it was my charming smile and my winning personality, but I think she mostly thought I was annoying.

I can’t say the elevator ride was the easiest thing to endure. With each passing floor, I got more nervous. I can’t remember anything I planned on saying. I don’t even think I could remember my name. All I knew was that when that bell dinged and those doors parted, my heart was in the pit of my stomach.

The amount of time it took me to knock on his door felt like forever. I just stood there, dodging shaky glances from housekeeping as a conjured up the courage. I knew it was going to be bad, whether I had a speech planned in my head or not, so why was I obsessing over forming correct sentences? Eventually, I took a deep breath and balled my fist, giving the door three swift knocks.

I’ll give Grant credit where credit is due; he never made you wait, but it was obvious that even his punctuality couldn’t fix us. “Where are your bags?” No “hello.” No “how are you doing.” Grant also didn’t waste any time.

“Can I come in?” I looked him straight in the eyes, something I hadn’t been able to do in years.

He hesitated, glancing me up and down once before stepping to the side. His room didn’t even look lived in. His suitcase was tucked into a corner and the bed was made as if he hadn’t slept yet. The TV wasn’t on and the curtains were closed. Maybe he didn’t want to be reminded of the cold. Grant shared my sentiments about snow and all things frozen.

“I’ll ask you again, Elliot.” He said as he closed the door, slowly turning around to face me. “Where are your bags?”

I ran my bottom lip through my teeth, and I suddenly knew what to say. “I’m not going with you, Grant.”

He shook his head, both of his hands pulling at his hair. “Is this about that prick from last night, Elliot?”

I scrunched my eyebrows. “Josh?”

“Are you sleeping with him?” Grant yelled and I could only hope every other room on the floor was empty.

He loved jumping to conclusions. I remembered when the mail came an hour late on the day he got his acceptance letter from Duke. He was convinced that the post office had it out for him. “What? No, I’m not sleeping with him.” He didn’t need to know about last night and he definitely didn’t need to know about the night of the power outage.

“Just…Just stop playing these games, Ellie.” Grant rolled his eyes as he paced around the room. “I’ll drive you back to your mom’s house and then we’ll go to the airport. We’ll forget you ever took this trip. We’ll go to Duke and everything will be back to normal.”

Expect things wouldn’t be normal. I’d just be living the same lie I was living right now. I didn’t want to go to Duke, and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to go back to Georgia. All I had there was my dad and he’s off with his boyfriend most of the time. I had one really big house all to myself when Grant was off at school. It was lonely and quiet. I’d gotten used to Lucy waking me up at night when she’d come home from a date with Max and I forgot how much I loved my mom’s French toast. Everyday it was becoming more and more clear that I didn’t belong in Georgia. “I don’t want to go to Duke, Grant.”

His mouth dropped as if I had just offended him. Sure, Duke was a great school, but it wasn’t for me. It never was for me. “You don’t want to go to Duke? Where is the coming from, Ellie?”

“I’ve never wanted to go to Duke, Grant.”

He wasn’t having it. I swear if it was physically possible, there would be steaming pouring from his ears. “Do you realize what you’re throwing away? This is your future, Elliot. Does that even matter to you?”

It didn’t. I was nineteen. The only things I really needed to know were where I was going to sleep and if I had enough money to eat. Everything else would happen when it was meant to. “No, Grant. Right now, none of that matters to me.”

“This is just like you.” He seethed, glaring over at me. “I can’t believe I wasted three years with a useless bitch like you.”

I had to pretend it didn’t sting because it did—it always did. I just had to suck it up. I had to take it like a man. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

He laughed. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize how mindbogglingly stupid you are. I mean, I guess I should have. I saw your SAT scores. It was a miracle you could even get into Duke.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, my eyes focused on the door. “I guess I’m going to leave.”

“Tell me one thing, Ellie?” Grant cut me off, stepping in front of me. “Was he worth it? Was he worth losing everything over?”

“I don’t—”

“Don’t play the oblivious card with me.” He hissed. “He jumped to your defense last night. Are you seriously going to tell me you haven’t been cozying up to him, whore?”

“I don’t—”

“Was he better than me, Ellie? Did he make you feel special? Did he say all the right things? How long did it take you to fall out of your clothes for him?”

I thought about lying, but I didn’t see the point anymore. I mean, why should I have to lie to him? What I did with Josh was nothing compared to what Grant put me through, so I shouldn’t feel bad. Actually, I didn’t feel bad. “A week. Maybe it was two. I’m not really sure.”

His face turned white, which was completely gratifying, but I held back my smile because as fast as his skin paled, it turned red. “You little—”

I saw him raise his hand out of the corner of my eye and I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified in my life. I had to close my eyes, bracing myself for the pain, but it never came.

“You’re not even worth my time, you pathetic slut.”

I don’t think the words pathetic slut have ever felt more freeing because the second I stepped back into the hallway, I felt a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. Three years of dealing with a guy like Grant were out the window.

But as freeing as the new feeling was, everything began to slowly sink in. Grant and I were over. Duke wasn’t an option anymore. I wasn’t even sure if going back to Georgia was an option. My sudden high was quickly brought back to a low and the elevator ride to the lobby became agonizingly long. I’d never had a panic attack before, but I was pretty sure this was what one felt like.

After I broke free from the hotel—not before I had to dodge a few bellboys—I found the car as quickly as possible. I ignored the questionable glances from the people passing by as I tried my best to unlock the door, but my hand was shaking far too much for me to get the key into the lock. Out of frustration, I smacked the window, my hand completely numb from the stinging and that was all it took for me to start crying. I was aware I looked like a blubbering mess, standing on the street in the middle of London during a minor snowstorm, but I couldn’t stop.

“Ellie?”

You think being in a country where you know only a handful off people, you’d be safe from running into said people in the most randomest of spots at the worst of times.

“Elliot?” The voice went from slightly distant to right up next to me, vibrating in my ear as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Josh.” I pushed the tears away from my eyes, the sleeve of my shirt soaked through with snow and snot. “I just want to go home.”

“I’m not going to let you drive home like this, Ellie. You’re upset and it’s snowing.”

Of course he was going to make this harder than it needed to be. “What are you even doing here?”

“I had a meeting with the record label. I’m supposed to be getting Max coffee while he warms up his car, but I obviously have more important things to tend to.”

I shook my head, bringing my focus back to car. I tried to unlock the door once again, but my hands were still trembling. “I’m fine, really. Go get Max’s coffee.”

He didn’t say anything at first. He simply shot me a weak smile, his face practically hidden by that godforsaken trapper hat, and he cupped his hands over mine. It wasn’t until he pulled away that I realized he took the keys. “Let me drive you home.”

I didn’t fight him on it, mostly because I didn’t have then energy, but also because the idea of driving in the snow terrified me.

“Are you okay?” I could tell he was nervous to ask. The fact that Josh was nervous about anything made me wonder, but I decided to put aside my bitchy persona because I was so tired.

“I broke up with Grant.” I said softly, attempting to distract myself as I turned up the heat. “We’re over.”

“How do you feel about that?”

I laughed. “I really can’t feel anything.”

“Well, you should be home in twenty minutes. You can crawl back into bed and hope Lucy doesn’t ask anything questions.”

“I…I don’t want to go home.” I whispered. “I just…I don’t want to explain this to everyone right now.”

And he didn’t say anything. He just drove.

~~

“Joshua, what did I tell you about dragging snow into the house? Your brain is proper mush.” Mrs. Franceschi came storming out of whatever room she was in, her hands were firmly on her hips as Josh rolled his eyes. “Oh. You must be Elliot!”

I wasn’t sure how she knew me. I mean, I know she was friends with my mom and there were pictures of me hanging up all over our house, but was I really that recognizable?

“Joshua, be a gentleman and take the poor girl’s coat. It’s like you’ve got no manners at all.” His mother shook her head.

I laughed, which was exactly what I needed. I shrugged myself out of my jacket and dropped it in Josh’s extended hand.

“Can I get you something to eat, love?”

Josh shook his head. “I’m not hungry, Mum.”

“I was talking to Elliot, ya loon.”

Josh’s jaw dropped. “Is that any way to talk to your only son?”

“Oh, be quiet.”

I smiled as I turned to his mother. “No, thank you.” I finally said. “I don’t have much of an appetite.”

“Well, if you change your mind, I have cookies in the oven. They’re for your mum’s party tomorrow, but I’m sure she won’t mind if you sneak a few.”

Josh grabbed my hand, tugging me toward the stairs. “We’ll be upstairs if you need us.”

I was almost too distracted by the pictures lining the wall to notice Josh was still holding my hand as we climbed up the steps. It was that moment that I realized our hands fit perfectly together and that was definitely something I didn’t want to think about.

“We can watch a movie, if you’d like.” Josh said as we crossed into his room. I was almost shocked it didn’t look like a warzone. His mother must have convinced him to clean it. I was grateful, to be honest. If it looked anything like the backseat of his car, I would have run straight for the door.

“I don’t care.” I shrugged as I sat down on his bed.

“Do you have any preferences?” He asked, walking over to a shelf filled with DVD cases.

“Anything that isn’t a romantic-comedy would be great.”

I could see him scrunching his eyebrows as his eyes ran over titles. I didn’t think it would be that hard to pick one. He was a guy. I didn’t expect him to have a copious amount of Jennifer Aniston movies.

“I really don’t care what you pick, Josh.” I told him.

“No, no, no.” He waved me off stubbornly. “I’ve got The Exorcist, or A Christmas Story...”

“I don’t care. The Exorcist?”

He stared at me dumbly and all I could do was raise my eyebrows in response. “A Christmas Story it is.”

After he put the movie in, he crawled onto the bed next to me. I couldn’t say that I was paying attention to what was going on. I was still sort of lost in my head, unable to grasp the fact that Grant and I were over.

I can honestly say I thought we’d be together forever, despite the way he treated me. I was so afraid of change that I didn’t want to be with anyone else. I knew what made Grant tick. I knew his favorite color and his favorite song. I knew the way he liked his eggs cooked and what laundry detergent he liked. It seemed petty, but it took time. It was scary just thinking about getting that close to someone again. And maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe I didn’t need to be in a relationship again. I don’t think I could physically handle someone treating me the way Grant did. I didn’t deserve that.

I wasn’t sure why I did it, or why I even thought it was a good idea, but I climbed on top of Josh, my legs straddling his waist as I pressed my lips to his. It took him almost no time to wake up and react, his hands moved under my shirt, resting on the hem of my jeans as his thumbs brushed over my hip bones. Eventually I pulled his sweater off, separating our lips just long enough to toss Frosty out of the way. I quickly brought my mouth back to his, slowly running it down his jaw before landing on his neck.

I didn’t feel like I needed to justify my actions, or explain why I was doing this. I think it was pretty clear that there was something there between Josh and I, even if it was just something fun, so me kissing him didn’t seem like that much of a stretch.

“Elliot.” He whined as I went for the button of his jeans.

“Just don’t talk.” I mumbled into his neck.

He pushed my hands away, his fingers wrapped around my wrists and that was enough for me to pull away from him. “We can’t do this.”

And I wasn’t sure why it upset me so much, but it did. “You…You don’t want me?” I asked softly, swallowing a lump in my throat. I wasn’t sure whether I should be embarrassed or feel stupid. Of course he didn’t want me. I wouldn’t want me after what I put him through either.

“No.” He pushed himself up, which was a feat considering I was still on top of him. “God, no. I’d be a fool not to want you. I’m a moron for even stopping you—”

“Then don’t.” I said before capturing lips to his again, pressing my entire body into his as my fingers knotted in his hair.

“Elliot.” He groaned as I caught his bottom lip between my teeth. “If we’re going to do this—go this far—I don’t want it to be because you’re upset about breaking up with your boyfriend, or because my girlfriend just dumped me. I want it to be because it feels right for us.”

I quickly rolled off of him, stumbling out of the bed and onto the floor. He really had to go there. I mean, of course he went there. He was Josh for Christ’s sake. Why wouldn’t he throw it in my face? “I am not on the rebound, Josh.”

“I didn’t say that.” He threw his legs over the edge of the bed, picking up his shirt from the floor and pulling it back on. “I’m just saying you’re upset and I don’t want to take advantage of that.”

It was sweet. Okay, it was a really sweet and something I should have expected him to say. And yes, I was upset, but that didn’t mean my judgment was impaired. I knew what I was doing and I wanted to do it.

“Though,” a smile formed on his lips, his cheeks a pleasant shade of red as he looked at me. “If anyone was taking advantage of anyone, it was you taking advantage of me.”

My mouth dropped. “I did not.”

“You practically molested me in my sleep.” He grinned. “I know I’m so ridiculously attractive, but you need to restrain yourself, Ellie.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“I know.” He shrugged. “Now let’s finish watching the movie.”

He didn’t give me an option to protest. Instead, he just grabbed my waist and pulled me back down to the mattress. I fell back to the pillow I was laying on before, twisting onto my side. I felt Josh wrap his arms around me, and there was something about it that was so familiar and it made me feel safe.