The Only Thing On My Wishlist

I’ll tell you what I hate most about Christmastime—more than the clay animation movies about sad reindeer, more than the tacky decorations, and more than the gingerbread flavored drinks at Starbucks—I hated Christmas shopping. I especially hated Christmas shopping that required me to be outside in this below freezing weather. I mean, I thought about ignoring Lucy’s call, claim I was sleeping when she’d asked why I didn’t pick up, but the time change left me awake three hours before she even thought about taking Max shopping, so I couldn’t possibly lie my way out of it.

“It’s really not that cold out.”

I glanced over at Josh, my eyes instantly falling to the red light bulb poking out from under his peacoat. I scoffed before pulling my attention back on the overly crowded street. “You really don’t have to make conversation.”

I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was just being honest. I’d rather suffer through an awkward silence than have a conversation with Josh about the weather.

“Alright, then.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, shooting me side-eyes. “We’ll just walk in silence.”

I wouldn’t say it was silence. The moment we stepped under that Welcome To Carnaby Street sign, it was as if we stepped into some sort of makeshift Winter Wonderland. There was Christmas music and Christmas lights and ruthless mothers with shopping bags. It was hell—at least I thought it was hell. Josh was beyond amused with the robotic Santa waving to him from the toy store’s display window, so amused that he even waved back.

“God, I just—”

“Fucking love Christmas, I know.” It came off a little stronger than I planned. He was a nice kid. The way Lucy talked about him almost led me to believe she was dating him and not Max, but his Christmas cheer was on the same level as my mother’s and after nineteen years, I still couldn’t handle it.

“Who shoved a candy cane up your arse?”

“Is that some sort of British slang I wouldn’t understand?” I question coldly.

“No, I think it’s pretty universal.” He replied with a shrug.

I rolled my eyes, pulling my jacket closer to my body, fearing hypothermia would set in at any second. I wasn’t sure why we weren’t at a mall. I could see myself at least attempting to enjoy this if I was at a mall and not on some near-arctic street.

“Do you know where they are?” I asked Josh after what seemed like an hour of him stopping at every display window he saw.

“Did you try calling Lucy?”

“Did you try calling Max?” I shot back.

Lucy didn’t answer her phone and neither did Max. I was almost at the point of just having Josh drive me home. There was no reason for us to be mindlessly wandering around this hell. It was crowded and cold and I had a remarkably comfortable bed waiting for me at home.

“Maybe we should just leave.”

And as soon as the words left my lips, I spotted Lucy through the window of some menswear store. I couldn’t help groaning as Josh pulled the door open, motioning for me to go in.

“Thanks,” I said tightly.

We were barely past the racks of winter coats when we heard Lucy screaming. Maybe screaming was an exaggeration. She was talking very loudly and very sternly as if Max wasn’t a grown man.

“I’m not wearing this, Luce.” Max cried. “It’s bloody neon pink.”

“It’s in, Max.” Lucy hissed. “Open any magazine and this is what men are wearing.”

“I have no fucking idea what magazines you’re reading, but this is definitely not in. I look like a giant piece of bubble gum.”

“God forbid you try to be fashion forward.”

“Fashion forward? I look proper mental.”

Josh was the first to intervene, smugly walking over to Max and patting him on the back. “You look just dashing, mate.”

Max wasn’t amused, but I was. I felt bad for laughing, but he was standing in front of a mirror in a Tickle Me Pink colored polo that made Josh’s Rudolph homage look chic. It was kind of hard not to laugh.

“Don’t you think you’ve gone a bit overboard, Luce?” I asked.

“Yes.” Max said quickly before disappearing into a changing room.

“He’s a child, Ellie.” She rolled her eyes. “He can’t zip his fly without me reminding him to. Do you really think I’m going to let him dress himself?”

“I understand him being a child.” She made me watch the videos when she visited Georgia last summer. Also, he’s in a band. Therefore, he has the mentality of a child. “But where does dressing him up like a douchebag get you?”

Her mouth dropped as if that had offended her. “He does not look like a douchebag. He looks hip and stylish—”

“I look like a flaming arsehole.”

Lucy frowned, crossing her arms as she let out a sigh.

“I know you mean well, muffin.” Max said as he walked out of the dressing room, ruffling his hair into an even messier state. “And I love you to death, but I’m not wearing that shirt.”

I thought it was sweet, adorable even, but when he kissed her nose, it made my stomach turn.

Max was in love with Lucy. I didn’t need to hear him say it; I could just see it in the way he looked at her. It was as if she was the most perfect thing he’d ever laid eyes on. It was the subtle things he did—like how he held her hand or kissed her temple. Anyone could tell that Lucy was the only thing he’d ever want.

I wasn’t jealous. At least I didn’t think I was. I never cared for PDA and even in the privacy of my own home I didn’t like being coddled. In a way, I guess Grant and I were the complete opposite of Lucy and Max. I don’t even think you could compare our relationship types. Max and Lucy were so cute and Grant and I were, well, we were just us.

“Alright, I still need to get a gift for the postman.” Lucy smiled as she pushed open the glass door, a blast of wind chapping my face.

“You buy a gift for the postman?” Josh asked from behind me.

“You don’t?” Lucy replied curiously. “I always buy Marv a gift.”

“You know your postman’s name?”

“You don’t?”

I could hear Josh laugh under his breath as he walked behind us with Max. “Where did you find her, mate?”

Lucy craned her neck around, smiling playfully. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to the both of you.”

“I’d be so lost without you, Luce.” I could hear the smile in Josh’s voice.

“I know.”

I lost count of the stores Lucy dragged us in after the second. She seemed to have endless patience for long lines and unhappy cashiers. She was a bucket of smiles as if this was the highlight of her year.

“You think Marv’ll like the gingerbread house kit I got him?” Lucy asked to no one in particular as we exited what I hoped was our last store.

“I think he’d like the can of mace I suggested more.”

“Your suggestion sucked, Josh.” Lucy rolled her eyes as she handed Max another bag. “But speaking of presents,” she pulled her lips into a smile as she turned around to face Josh. “What’re you getting Camille for Christmas?”

Josh just shrugged as if the thought hadn’t crossed his mind, though I’m sure it did. Mr. Christmas Spirit probably had the Vegan Princess’s gift picked out since the first date.

“Oh c’mon, Joshy, you must have some idea of what you’re getting that gem of yours.” Lucy nudged her head to the store to our left and I curiously looked over, completely surprised to see a mannequin covered (well, not really covered) in some sort of risqué Santa costume.

“You want me to buy her lingerie?”

“Well, you two do spend an awful lot of time in bed. I mean, that’s what I assume you two are doing when I ring your phone and you don’t answer. Then I’m so worried that I call your mum and we have a lovely chat about how you haven’t been home in three days.”

“You really need to stop calling my mum, Luce.”

Lucy smiled, shaking her head. “Don’t change the subject, love.”

“I’m not—”

“Are you sure she isn’t a lesbian?”

Josh groaned, pulling his hair in frustration. “Don’t start, Luce.”

“I’m just saying. I get major weird vibes from some of those girls that go to those readings.”

I could actually understand Josh’s frustration on some level. Lucy didn’t like Grant. No one liked Grant, actually, and it seemed like no one liked Camille either. And I knew neither of us needed our friends’ approval on our significant others, but it would make life easier if they were at least a little supportive.

Josh was in the middle of convincing Lucy that Camille wasn’t a lesbian when my phone started to ring, and for a second I was almost relieved to have a distraction, but that was only until I saw the caller ID. “Hello?”

“You’ve got a whole lot of explaining to do, Elliot.”

My face fell and from the side of my eyes, I could see Josh and Lucy watching. Max was too focused on shifting the bags in his hands to even notice I was on the phone. “What—What are you talking about, Grant?”

“Do you remember the conversation we had the other day about Duke, or did you just forget about it?”

I took a deep breath, awkwardly shifting away from Josh and Lucy’s eyes. “Uh, yeah, of course I remember.”

“So you remember telling me you haven’t heard back from them yet?”

“I haven’t.”

“Really, Elliot? Because I’m pretty sure you have.” He was angry. I hadn’t heard that much anger in his voice since the day I told him I’d rather go to prom than take a campus tour of Emory.

“I don’t know—”

“You do know, Ellie. He seethed. “You’ve known since October fifteenth.”

My eyes grew wide at about the same time my jaw dropped and suddenly I wasn’t so nervous. I was livid. “Did you go into my e-mail?”

“That is so besides the point, Elliot.” He grunted into the receiver. “You lied to me—”

“You went into my e-mail, Grant.” I screamed back, completely forgetting that I was in a public place and people got nosey when you raised your voice, so I brought it down a notch. “That’s an invasion of privacy.”

“I’m concerned, Elliot.” I’d take the angry tone over his disapproving one any day. “It’s like you’ve completely lost your mind. Where are your priorities these days? You’re acting like a child. When are you going to grow up, Elliot? You’re going to be twenty, for god’s sake. It’s like you still think you’re in high school. You can’t half-ass your way through life. At some point you’re going to have to get your shit together.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. All I knew was that I had to try my hardest not to cry because that’s what I was on the verge of doing.

Grant has had his entire life planned since I met him in middle school. Going to Duke was his dream. Becoming a partner at his father’s law firm was his goal. There was no middle ground with him. There was no room to be spontaneous and there was even less room for my so-called childish games, which I really didn’t think were so childish. Like he said, I was going to be twenty. I didn’t need a life plan at twenty.

He knew how to get into my head, though. He knew exactly how to make me rethink every choice I made in life and he really knew how to make me feel bad about every one of them.

“Elliot, are you still there? I’m talking to—”

I cleared my throat, “I have to go, Grant.”

“Don’t you dare hang—”

I shoved my phone into my bag, still not turning around to face Josh and Lucy. Instead, I just dropped my head to the building I was leaning against, shielding my face because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying.

“Ellie?” Her voice was low and soft as she placed her hand on my back. “Ellie, don’t cry.”

I coughed, using the bottom of my palm to rid my eyes of the tears and then I forced a smile when I turned to face her. “I’m not crying, Luce.”

“Yes, you are.” She said sternly, her face suddenly red with rage. “He’s such an arsehole. I don’t know why you’re with him. He goes and makes you cry constantly. You deserve so much—”

“I love him, Luce.” I sighed. “Can we just leave it at that?”

She just frowned, crossing her arms and stomping over to the boys.

I tried my best to avoid Josh’s shifty eyes, but they seemed to be following me everywhere. It was like he’d never seen a girl cry before. It wasn’t like it was some spectacle. I cried. As much as I want to pretend no one saw, they did. I wasn’t going to lose sleep over it, but I’d appreciate it if he wasn’t gawking at me.

“Josh, you think you can drive Ellie to Grassfields? We have to meet our parents for dinner.” Lucy asked and I instantly furrowed my eyebrows. “There’s no room in Max’s backseat with all the bags.”

I watched as Josh swallowed hard, nodding simultaneously. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

It was obvious I didn’t have a say in it. Whether I wanted Josh to drive me to the restaurant didn’t really matter. Lucy was already dragging Max in the other direction, leaving Josh and I in some sort of awkward silence.

“Are you ready?” He asked as he scratched the back of his neck.

I didn’t respond with words, instead I just started walking in the direction of his car. It wasn’t too far away. The way Lucy had us running around this place left us a few steps away from where Josh parked.

“Do you want the blanket?” Josh asked once we were sitting in the car, leaning back to grab it as if I had already answered.

“No, I’m fine.” I mumbled. “Thanks.”

I didn’t mean to be short with him and I sort of felt bad that that’s the only way I talked to him, but now was definitely not the right time for his over the top Christmas cheer.

I almost thought the car ride would be silent. After ten minutes of driving, the only sounds Josh was making were coming from his fingers drumming over the bottom of the steering wheel. I was very okay with that. More than okay, actually.

“It’s not worth being with someone if they’re going to go and make you cry.” He said slowly.

This would be where I’d slam on the brakes if I were the one driving. It’s not worth being with someone if they’re going to go and make you cry. Where does he even get off making an observation of a situation he knows nothing about?

“You don’t deserve that. No one does.”

My mouth fell open and I shifted my eyes to him. “It’s not worth being with someone if they aren’t making as much of an effort to be in the relationship as you are.”

He slammed on the brakes and I almost flew through the window, my heart racing as I glared over at him.

“What the fuck—”

“And what the hell is that suppose to mean?”

I settled back into my seat, glancing behind my shoulder to see if traffic was backing up behind us and that’s when I realized we were already at the restaurant. “You know exactly what I mean.”

I didn’t even let him respond. I threw my door open and slammed it shut, sending him an unpleasant look before stomping into the restaurant.

I spotted my mother almost instantly. She was smiling as she talked to Henry, his back to me. I took a deep breath, shuffling over to the table they were at, falling to the empty seat next to her, which was conveniently in front of Lucy.

“Did’ya have a nice ride with Josh?” Lucy asked with a sly grin.

I hoped my frown answered her question and when she bit down on her lower lip, I knew it did.

“Did you girls have a nice day shopping?” Mom asked.

I was about to lie and say yes, but Lucy quickly cut me off.

“Grant called. He made Ellie cry.”

I dropped my hands on the menu I hadn’t opened, my mouth hanging open for what seemed like the millionth time today. “Lucy!”

“Elliot—”

I sighed, “It was nothing, Mom. We were just discussing Duke and I may have overreacted.”

“But I thought Duke was off the table. I thought you were thinking about moving here…”

I sighed again, avoiding all forms of eye contact with the three people at the table. “I’m just keeping my options open.”

Though, I wasn’t exactly sure what my options were.