The Only Thing On My Wishlist

“You’ve reached Avant-Garb,” Josh shouted over the music. “Where shopping is a pleasure. Really.”

The moment the words left his lips, I was sober. And suddenly the whole room was silent, at least in my head. In reality, no one seemed fazed by Josh answering my phone. Lucy was focused on Max and everyone else was focused on finding someone to keep the other side of the bed warm. And me, I was focused on the idea of brutally murdering Joshua Franceschi.

“Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you, mate?”

I could feel the blood drain from my face as I lunged at Josh. He seemed frightened at first, his eyes growing wide, but he quickly pulled his lips into a smile, lifting the phone over his head so I couldn’t reach it. “Give me the phone, Josh.”

“Give me the phone, Josh.” He mocked in some high pitched voice that held no resemblance to mine.

“I swear to god I will knee you so hard in the balls that you’ll have to get them surgically removed from your ass.”

He stayed in the same position, taunting me as he waved the phone in the air. It was around that time when Lucy decided to remove her hands from Max’s pockets to see what was going on.

“Do you really want to test me, Josh?” I seethed and that seemed to be enough for his reddened face to stiffen. I watched as he swallowed hard and slowly lowered the phone. I was quick to grab it, pressing it to my ear in one swift motion.

“Grant?” I panicked, but he didn’t respond. “Grant? C’mon, Grant. Don’t be like this.” And then I pulled the phone away from my cheek, the screen telling me that the two minute and fifteen second call had ended.

I took a deep breath, hoping that would somehow calm me down, but it didn’t. I turned my attention back to Josh, who seemed to be getting an earful from Lucy on proper manners when answering someone else’s phone. I stepped between them, burning holes into Josh as I lifted my hand and smacked his arm.

“You.” Slap. “Are.” Slap. “Such.” Slap. “A.” Slap. “Fucking.” Slap. “Asshole.” Slap. Slap. Slap.

“Are you done? He wailed, clutching the spot that was probably bruised under his god-awful sweater.

“No.” I hissed, slapping his hand that was protecting my spot of choice. “You are so unbelievably moronic. I mean, who does that? You don’t see me intercepting phone calls from your Vegan Bitch.”

“You don’t even know her! You have no right—”

“You have no right to talk to my boyfriend like that!”

“He’s an awful shitty boyfriend if he makes you cry.” Josh spat as Lucy tried to step between us.

“You have no idea what kind of boyfriend he is.”

“I know he isn’t a very good one.”

I sensed my chest tightening and I felt like lunging at him again, but that meant taking Lucy with me, and as much as I hated her for dragging me to this place, she didn’t deserve to be the median between my fist and Josh’s face.

“You two need to chill.” Lucy screamed, placing her hands on my shoulder, preventing me from getting any closer to Josh.

“You know what?” I said as I shook her hands away from me. “Fuck you, Josh.”

And I walked straight out the door.

I love Grant. I love the way he smiles and I love the freckles scattered over the bridge of his nose. I love his dark brown eyes and the way his hair is always perfectly neat. I love his laugh and how passionate he is about everything. I could list things I love about him until the cows come home, but everyone else would only see his faults.

He was clingy. He always has to be right. He always is right. His sense of humor is dry. He has no tolerance for juvenile behavior. He’s too serious. And he’s too snobby.

Like I said, I don’t need anyone’s approval. I love him and that’s all that matters, but Josh doesn’t even know him. He doesn’t know what kind of boyfriend he is. So Grant made me cry, I’m sure other boyfriends have done worse. And maybe I don’t know the Vegan Princess, but I know she hasn’t shown up somewhere she was supposed to on more than one occasion, thus giving me the right to tell him what a bitch she was.

“Elliot!”

I quickly stopped, not realizing how far I had actually walked. I was back on the corner of the store Josh and I were in not even half an hour ago, those blacked out windows reminding me of the guard I had let down. “What do you want, Josh?” I screamed back, looking a few feet down the street where he was panting like he’d just ran a couple of miles.

“Are you mad? Walking around this part of town alone? You’re gonna get yourself killed.”

“Please don’t pretend to care about my wellbeing, Josh.”

“Well, quit being a bitch and I wouldn’t have to pretend.”

I took a deep breath, my chest growing tight from the chill in the air. “Did you really walk all this way to call me a bitch?”

“I came to apologize.” He said breathlessly, a cloud of white air swirling from his mouth as his face began to chap over, like it wasn’t red enough to begin with.

“Yeah, well, you’re doing a pretty shitty job—”

“You two are going to get arrested for disturbing the peace!”

I looked past Josh, watching Lucy waddle up the street with Max trailing behind.

“Would you just stop fighting for three seconds?”

I rolled my eyes, twisting my arms together merely for the warmth; the fact that it made me look like I had an attitude was just a bonus. “I’ll do better than three seconds. I’ll stop fighting all together. Just give me your car keys, so I can leave.”

She frowned, her lips chattering together. “You can’t leave, Ellie! You don’t even know how to drive over here. It’s a whole different side of the road—”

“I’ll be fine, Luce. Just give me your keys.”

“At least let me drive you.” She begged.

I just shook my head. “I’d rather be alone.”

She glanced back and forth between Josh and I as if some Christmas miracle was going to happen and we were going to run into each other’s arms and all would be forgiven. This was not a 25 Days of Christmas special. “Fine.” She finally said, tossing her keychain at me. “Just drive slow and don’t get lost and call me when you get home.”

I didn’t say anything else. I just turned around and continued walking until I found Lucy’s car.

Now, I wasn’t going to lie. It was awkward driving on the wrong side of the road. So awkward that I thought about just driving on the right side of the road because that seemed like the only logical thing to do.

When I finally got home, I was just happy to not have killed anyone.

I unlocked the house door as quietly as possibly, not wanting to wake up mom, or Henry. Explaining to them why I was home and Lucy wasn’t, wasn’t exactly on the top of my list of things I wanted to do right now. I climbed the stairs even softer, afraid even the quietest of creaks would send them flying out of their rooms, spouting questions about how our night was.

I sighed in relief when I finally got into my room, shutting the door and kicking my shoes off at the same time. I left my clothes in a pile on my floor, wanting nothing more than to shower and wash the scent of nasty rock club off my skin.

When I was done, I walked back into my room. I pulled a long-sleeved shirt from my dresser and followed it with a pair of sweatpants. I tied my hair back and went to sit on my bed, dialing Grant’s number for what seemed like the twentieth time. He wasn’t answering and I was on the verge of flying home on the first flight that left tomorrow morning.

“You need to give Josh a chance.”

I tore my eyes from my phone, lifting them up to see Lucy’s red face. Her chest was caving in and out and I silently wondered if she ran the whole way home.

“So he called you Frosty the Snow Bitch—”

“Excuse me?”

“Okay, so he didn’t call you that to your face, but he means well.” She cried like me not liking Josh was the worst thing to happen in her life. “He’s just Josh. He’s in a constant good mood. He bloody loves Christmas and he can’t see that his girlfriend is a complete twat.”

“Look, Luce. I get that he’s your friend, but he’s an asshole.”

“But he’s really not!” She whined. “It’s Camille. I’m telling you, Ellie. She’s the devil.”

“I’m sorry, Luce, but I think it’s for the best if Josh and I just avoid each other at all costs.”

“But you can’t! You have to like him.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Why do I have to like him?”

Her eyes grew wide. “Because he’s Josh! Everyone likes Josh.”

“I don’t.” I said quickly, clearing my throat softly. “I’m really tired, though. I kind of just want to sleep.”

Lucy just narrowed her eyes, glaring at me as she stomped through the bathroom.

I twisted the light on my nightstand off, rolling under the covers and then I closed my eyes.

I wasn’t exactly sure how long they were closed for. It only felt like a few minutes, but when my phone began to wail with some Christmas song Lucy had changed the ringtone to, I rolled awake. “Hello?”

“Who was the guy that answered your phone, Elliot?”

I sat up so quickly that I thought I got whiplash. “Grant. Grant, I’ve been calling you all night. Why weren’t you—”

“Who was the guy on the phone, Elliot?”

“It was Lucy’s friend.” I stammered, my throat growing tight. “He’s Lucy’s friend, Grant. He had too much to drink. He just grabbed my phone from my hand.”

The line stayed quiet. I thought he had hung up until I heard him cough.

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?” I asked quietly.

“Because,.” He said. “Because I wanted you to worry like I worry about you. How did it feel, Ellie? How did it feel? Because that’s what it would feel like if I wasn’t there. And I’m not going to be here much longer if you keep pulling childish shit like this. You’re almost twenty. Grow up..”

I felt a tear roll down my cheek, but I quickly pushed it away. “I never want to know what it’s like to be without you, Grant.”

“Then get your act together, Ellie.” And then the line went dead.

I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with myself after that. I knew going back to sleep wasn’t an option and I really didn’t want to talk to Lucy about this, so I thought up the only feasible solution: I’d go to the kitchen and eat as much chocolate as I could find.

When I climbed down the stairs, I heard rustling in the kitchen. My first thought was a burglar, which caused me to grab the first thing I could find, which ended up being a shoehorn. I wasn’t exactly sure how much damage that was going to do, but it was something. I gripped it in my hands like I was twelve and at tennis camp again, slowly tiptoeing through the kitchen doorway.

The refrigerator door was wide open, the light filtering through the kitchen. I took one final step, tightening my grip before getting ready to swing.

“What on earth are you doing, Elliot?”

I jumped back, dropping the shoehorn. I felt my cheeks blush, but it was so dark that she couldn’t see. “Mom, what are you doing up so late?”

“Well,” she smiled, digging a spoon into a bowl of what looked like whipped cream and cake. “It’s technically really early if you think about it.”

“Okay,” I laughed, pulling a seat out at the table. “What are you doing up so early?”

She shrugged. “I had a bit of a sweet tooth and remembered we still had some of this left over.”

I nodded, satisfied with her answer as my fingers crawled toward her spoon, dipping it back into the mess of sugar. “This is really good.” I said as I shoveled more into my mouth.

“It really is.” She grabbed the spoon away from me. “I keep telling Lydia to stop making it. It’s completely horrible for my diet, but it’s delicious.”

“Who’s Lydia?” I asked curiously.

“Josh’s mum, quite the baker she is.”

And then my appetite was gone.

“What are you doing up, hun? I figured you’d be sleeping for a week after going out tonight.”

I shook my head, smiling softly as I balled my fists into the sleeves of my shirt. “I just—I couldn’t sleep.”

She sighed a motherly sigh, dropping her spoon and looking me square in the eyes. “Did you get into a fight with Grant?”

I didn’t know how she knew. It must have been some sort of mother’s instinct thing I wouldn’t understand until I was one. “Yeah.” There was no use lying. She knew I was upset and she was going to let it go. Some mothers might have, but mine pressed and pressed until I finally broke. She was sort of like Lucy in that way, which I guess is why they got along so wonderfully.

“Ellie, I’m not saying this because I’m your mother. I’m saying this because it’s the truth.” She paused for a second. “He’s not worth your tears. He’s not worth any of it.”

“But, Mom—”

“No, Ellie, he’s not worth it.” She repeated. “You’re a beautiful, brilliant girl who could anyone she wanted. Why are you settling for someone who’s making you so upset that you’re losing sleep over him?”

I couldn’t answer that question because the only reasonable answer I could think of was love. I loved him. Love was supposed to be enough.

“I know you love him.” She said softly. “If love was enough, Ellie, I’d still be with your father.”

I closed my eyes, afraid that I might cry. I could remember the day they told me they were getting divorced like the back of my hand. It was a Sunday. I’d just gotten back from a slumber party. Dad had been away on business for a while, at least I thought it was business at the time and I was so excited to see what he had brought me back. But this time he didn’t bring me anything. He just sat me at the table and they told me. We’ll always love each other, Ellie. We’re just not in love anymore.

“I think I’m going to go to bed now.”

“I just want you to be happy, sweetie.” She said as I stood up.

“I know.” I said and then I walked back upstairs.

When I got back into my room, I pulled the covers over me, turning onto my side as my eyes fell to the sky outside my window. I thought about wishing on the first star I saw. I wasn’t even sure what I’d wish for, but I was already asleep before I could think about it.

And when I woke up the next morning, it wasn’t to the sun shining through my window or the birds chirping in the tree. No, I woke up to a frighteningly cheerful Santa sweater and an even more frighteningly cheerful Josh.

“Up and at ‘em, my jolly little candy cane. We’ve got a big day ahead of us.”