The Only Thing On My Wishlist

“Welcome to Stardust, where the coffee is out of this world.”

I looked from the bimbo in the pink wig over to Josh, who didn’t seem fazed by her metallic outfit and cotton-candy hair. Stardust was exactly what it sounded like—a themed coffee shop that was literally out of this world. It’s retro-space theme left the ceilings black with glitter splattered around for a spacey effect. To be honest, I thought it was a bit much. I mean, I wanted a cup of coffee, not a lesson on how to be a space cadet.

“Your girlfriend seriously reads poetry here?” I asked, my eyebrows quirked as Josh led me to the counter.

He shrugged. “This is the only place where the owners don’t get pissed when they go on hour long rants about Corporate Britain.”

I made the shape of an “O” with my lips as we stopped in front of another cadet. Her hair was green and her eyes were frighteningly wide. I really wasn’t sure if I trusted her enough to make my coffee. “Ello, earthling.”

My lips twisted into this weird half-smile, half-frown expression. Earthling. Did she really just call me earthling? “Er…Hi.”

“What can I get for you today?” Her voice was robotic, steady and precise like she wasn’t human. Maybe she wasn’t. Maybe this place wasn’t as much of a joke as I thought. If they let Camille and her friends shit on Corporate Britain, maybe they weren’t British. Maybe they were from some far off planet. And maybe I was still a little drunk.

“Uh…” I glanced up at the menu—a blackboard written on in pink and green chalk. I was sensing another theme.

And here I thought Starbucks’ drinks were hard to pronounce. I didn’t even know what a Galactic Asteroid was. It sounded painful. And the Planetary Stellium. What?

“I think I’ll have…Uh.” I looked over to Josh, who just seemed to laugh. I glanced back at the menu and picked the first normal thing I could find. “I’ll have Neptune’s Vanilla Eclipse.”

“In glacial or thermal?”

“Excuse me?” I said automatically.

She rolled her eyes, obviously unamused with my lack of knowledge on outer space terminology. “Hot or cold, you twat?”

My mouth fell. I don’t know who she thought she was, but she could not get away with calling a paying customer a twat. I feel like Josh caught onto my urge to climb over the bar and show her how much of a twat I really was, and he quickly pushed me aside. “She wants it hot. She also wants a Quantum Chocolate Orb and I’ll take a tea. I really don’t care which kind.”

When I finally got my drink, I had to stop myself from throwing it in the little goblin’s face. “She called me a twat, Josh.” I said as he pushed me through a crowd of people and over to a section of overstuffed chairs in front of a make-shift stage with a microphone stand and stool on it. “A twat. She called me a twat.”

“I know. I was there.” He replied as he sat down.

“Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? I’m a paying customer—”

“Technically, I was a paying customer. You were just the girl who didn’t know how to order a vanilla latte.”

I nodded. “Yes, it was my fault I didn’t know how to order a latte at the most obnoxious coffee shop in England.”

I ignored him from that point on, simply crossing my legs and sipping on my coffee. It wasn’t even that good. And my Quantum Chocolate Orb was just a cupcake that I’m sure they got from a package. I mean, if you’re going to go all out with a themed coffee house, at least get some decent pastry and a barista that knows how to make a latte.

“It’s not even good coffee.” I told him.

“Are you never pleased?”

I shrugged. “I told you I was going to get you back for waking me up. Might as well annoy you as much as possible.”

He just shook his head and then the lights dimmed. A woman stepped on stage, a pair of glasses hid her eyes and a maroon-colored knit hat shielded her hair. She didn’t look particularly pleasant as she approached the mic stand. I watched as her cheeks twitched as she placed two hands around the microphone, not even giving the audience a chance to react before spitting fire. “You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies, you may trod me in the very dirt. But still, like dust, I'll rise.”

I jumped back slightly at her tone, again, Josh didn’t seem fazed. I knew the poem and I heard it recited before with passion, but this was almost venomous. As an English buff, I almost found it distasteful. There was a fine line between being passionate about something and being an extreme…activist?

“Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard. 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines, diggin' in my own backyard.” She spat.

No, your haughtiness doesn’t offend me, but it really fucking annoys me.

She spent the next three minutes firing off the rest of Maya Angelou’s poem before she stormed off the stage in a fit of rage.

“Seriously?” I looked over at Josh and he just shrugged.

“It’s what Camille is passionate about. These are her friends. So yeah, seriously."

“Oh-kay.” I murmured as I watched Josh’s eyes fall on the stage, a slight smile forming on his lips.

I could only assume that was Camille by the look on his face. It was like he was a child fawning over something new and shiny. And yeah, I guess she was pretty. I mean, I’m sure even Josh has standards, but she wasn’t anything that would get me excited (if I was into chicks). She seemed like an average girl.

“Corporate Britain.” She said slowly, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Well, Corporate Britain is sitting right in front of us.”

When her eyes rolled to me, I jumped back in my seat. Corporate Britain? I wasn’t even British, you bitch. I wasn’t even Corporate America. Yeah, I liked my expensive coffee and yes, I owned a pair of Uggs, but that’s where the line was drawn. I was frugal. I hated spending money. I was still wearing jeans from tenth grade.

“Everything that’s wrong with this country—everything that’s wrong with this world—is sitting in front of us in her designer jeans and fur.”

They weren’t even my jeans! They were Lucy’s and I wasn’t wearing fur. Lucy bought the earmuffs at Target on clearance when she visited last year.

I could see Josh shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He better be uncomfortable. He better feel as uncomfortable as I do. And if he didn’t, he would when I shoved my boot up his ass for bringing me here.

When Camille was done—but not before she ripped into my apparent bottled red hair and my obvious animal based diet—she got off the stage and the lights came back on. I quickly stood up, ready to tear into Josh like his precious girlfriend just tore into me, but I was quickly cut off.

“I really hope that isn’t real fur.” Poet Number One said, crossing her arms and glaring at me.

“It’s not—”

“Oh, so you’re American. I should have guessed.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re so Americanized. You really ought to take a step back and realized what you’re doing is going to effect your children and your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren.”

“I don’t know what you’re—”

Josh cut me off before I could finish. “Lay off, Gia.”

The girl scoffed. “Oh! Of course this is your friend, Josh.”

“Well, better her than you,” he muttered, glaring at her.

She let out a sharp whistle. “Wow! You’re getting ballsy, aren’t you, Josh? Normally you’re so passive-aggressive!”

“Well, normally you’re just insulting me and not my friends,” he replied calmly.

“You’re all pretty deserving of it, as far as I’m concerned,” she shot back, arching her eyebrows at him.

A girl appeared behind Gia—her twin, from what I could tell—and put a hand on her sister’s shoulder. “Gia, you’re getting riled up. Why don’t we just go sit down? Time you waste trying to teach someone already so far down the beaten path is time you’ll never get back.”

Now that was passive-aggressive.

“I’m not so stupid that I can’t figure when you’re insulting me.”

The other one looked at me severely. “Don’t even get me started on you, animal killer.”

Josh cleared his throat, standing up. “Okay, maybe we should leave.”

She turned her gaze on him and gave a little snarly laugh. “You’re an idiot for bringing her here, Josh.”

“Yeah, Bailey, I get it,” he replied. Then he turned to me. “Do you want to—"

Before he could finish, Camille had appeared, sloppily kissing him on the lips. Josh squeezed his eyes shut, looking almost like he was in pain. Somehow, I didn’t find that normal.

“Sorry it took so long,” she said breathlessly. “I had to go cool off outside. Got a bit heated.” She shifted her eyes to me and quirked an eyebrow. “What were you thinking bringing her here, Josh? Are you trying to make some sort of point? I’m not sure that I understand.”

Josh stammered, scratching the back of his head. He was speechless, which I’m guessing was a first for him, considering the stunt he pulled last night. “This is…Uh…This is Lucy’s step-sister, Elliot.”

Camille cringed. “Of course she is,” she said, looking at me like I was something she found on the bottom of her all-vegan wrap shoe.

“What exactly is that supposed to mean?” I demanded.

Camille opened her mouth, looking pleased to inform me, but Josh stopped her.

“Camille,” he said, his voice sharp. “Please, don’t. We already talked about this.”

Camille scoffed. “Fine,” she replied easily. She tossed her eyes back and forth, which just annoyed me. “So, Ms. America, did I hurt your feelings?” she asked sugar-sweetly.

I shook my head. “No, you preachy, vegan, tit, you didn’t hurt my feelings,” I snarled. “You rather annoyed me with your preachy, vegan, feminist ways.”

“Excuse me.” She pushed away from Josh, stalking over toward me. And yeah, she was taller than me, but was that supposed to intimidate me? “My preachy, vegan, feminist ways?”

“You heard me, honey."

“You did not just call me—”

“I did just call you that, bitch.”

Her face fell and I laughed, which caused her face to turn three shades of red. Josh tried to get between us, but I was sure either one of us could have taken him out easily. “Can you two just not do this? Please, I’m like begging you. Please?”

“Be quiet, Josh.” Camille seethed. “This is between me and Britney Spears.”

“Is that supposed to insult me?” I spat back and at that point, the whole galaxy was watching us.

She sputtered, her face darkening to a deeper shade of crimson. “You’re—you’re—JOSH!”

Heads turned all around the shop, eyes focusing on us.

Josh cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Yeah?”

“Did you—Are you—ARE YOU HEARING THIS?” she screeched.

His eyebrows shot up. “Well, um.” He cleared his throat, tugging at the collar of his ugly Santa sweater. “Camille, you sort of asked for it.”

Her eyes widened so far, I thought they might pop right out of her skull. “You—I—what?”

There was a loud cough behind us, and we all turned to face the pink-haired barista.

“Listen, you are all going to have to rejoin your mothership if you do not cease and desist,” she snarled in her robotic voice.

Josh held up his hands in surrender. “We’re leaving,” he told her. “Sorry for the disturbance.”

She eyed Camille and the others. “It is not uncommon when they are around.”

Camille glared at her, then turned her glare on Josh. “You’re leaving with her, then?”

“I’m taking her home,” he replied firmly. Then he sighed and leaned over, kissing her cheek gently. “I’ll call you later. I think we need to talk.”

She leaned away from him and crossed her arms tightly. “I agree.”

He reached out to take my arm, but I jerked away from him, stomping to the door and escaping quickly into the cold winter afternoon. I would have preferred an Alaskan tundra to that coffee shop any given day of the year. I didn’t even care that I’d forgotten my disgrace of a vanilla latte. I just wanted to get out of there.

The car ride back to my house was filled with a tension Josh tried to drown out with the radio. And the fact that the station only played Christmas music was only making the ride that much more tense. I still couldn’t believe he tried to tell me I had a shitty boyfriend when he had a borderline psychotic girlfriend.

We were on the third verse of the second version of Silent Night played in the fifteen minutes it took Josh to drive to the other side of town. He slowly pulled up to my house, rolling to a stop and cutting the engine.

I reached for the door and pushed it open, “Thanks for the—”

“Can we just talk for a bit?”

I scowled as a cold draft filled the car, a chill shaking through my body as I looked over at Josh. He looked upset and that’s really the last thing I wanted to deal with, but I closed the door, anyway. “What do you want to talk about, Josh?”

He let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for your girlfriend.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m sorry I put you in that position. I should have known better. I know the things Camille says about Lucy and you’re her sister, so you’re basically lumped into one. It was careless of me to take you to the reading.”

I smiled softly, biting at my lower lip. “It’s fine, Josh. She isn’t exactly the worst person I’ve gotten into an argument with.”

“Still.” He sighed again, shaking his head. “I hate it, y’know? All of it. Her friends. Her lifestyle. Everything.”

“Then why are you with her, Josh?” I asked quietly, watching out of the corner of my eye as Lucy popped her head through the living room curtain.

Josh looked over at me. “Why are you with Grant?”

I didn’t know what to say, or even how to answer it, so I just got out of the car. “Thanks for the ride, Josh.”

When I got into the house, Lucy was sitting on the loveseat, nonchalantly reading a book like she wasn’t just spying. “Have fun with Josh?”

I rolled my eyes. “I had a blast. We saw a Christmas tree and then I ripped his girlfriend a new one…”

Lucy jumped up from the seat, the book falling to the ground. “You met Camille?”

“Unfortunately.” I shrugged. “She’s a real fucking peach. I have no idea what Josh sees in her.”

Lucy smiled an odd little smile, but I was too tired to read into it.