Home Is Where the Heart Is.

You come home you hear?” I sobbed into my husband’s chest, my hands gripping onto his t-shirt. I knew this day was coming, I just wasn’t entirely prepared for it yet.

He lifted my face up with his hands and smiled as he tried to be strong for me, too bad I was able to see right through his lie. He was scared shitless as was I, and it tore me apart knowing nothing I could say or do would comfort him.

“You can count on it,” he chuckled softly, pressing his soft lips to my forehead. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I thought you would’ve guessed that by now.”

I smiled and wiped my eyes as he brought his hands down on my hips. I had lost count of how many times I’d begged him not to do this, but it didn’t work. He wouldn’t stay with me, which made ten times worse. I was selfish in a way because he was doing this for a good cause.

I just didn’t completely agree with the reasons.

“I swear to god Matthew Sanders, if you don’t come back....I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t cope without you.”

He leaned his forehead on my own and looked down into my eyes, his brown eyes sparkling in the sun. That’s when I memorised every single detail in his face, fearing that this would be the last time I would see it.

“Babe, stop worrying,” he chuckled, his lips brushing against my own as he spoke. “I’ll be fine, I promise I’ll call and write whenever I can.”

I nodded solemnly and he continued to place kisses on my lips. I couldn’t focus on the sweet little gestures, I could only picture all the things that could go wrong. I could only picture all of those horrific pictures.

“I love you Matthew Sanders.”

He grinned and kissed my nose, “I love you too, and I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.”

With those words, he placed one last on my head and sighed quietly. He shot me a shaky smile as he turned and picked up his rather large rucksack and headed towards the front door. The tears rolled down my cheeks as I followed in his footsteps in time to see him storm down the path to the truck.

The one thing I would always remember would be the way the happiness flushed from his face as he waved and the truck started up.

He looked terrified.

***

I frowned at the memory of that day. I’d never been so unhappy before, it felt like my whole world was being turned upside down. In the whole seven years I’d been with Matt, we had only been apart for the space of two weeks.

I remember vividly how my muscles clenched and tightened every time the phone rang, or how my heart used to race every time someone strange knocked on the front door. I’d been constantly living on the edge for the past year and half.

I just wanted him home.

It broke my heart all over again when I heard his voice break over the phone as I told him about future plans or when he told me about the horrific things that had happened to his newly found friends. I used to scream at him for how stupid he had been, telling him he should’ve just stayed home with me and the strange thing was, he didn’t fight back. He would sigh and mutter a ‘sorry’.

One thing I was lucky of, was that we didn’t have a child together yet as I didn’t think I could come to terms with them losing their daddy. Matt of course was disappointed, but he agreed it was for the best until he came back home.

I always tried to keep him thinking towards the future.

I nearly jumped right off the sofa when the phone rang, breaking me out of trance. I sighed and raked a hand through my hair before picking it up and pressing the green button.

“Hello?”

“Hey April, it’s Brian.”

I smiled to myself, he was probably calling about Matt. He must’ve found out that Matt’s coming home today.

“I take it you heard the good news then?”

He sighed loudly, ”Listen, it’s abo-“

A loud knock at the door cut him off and I grinned widely, “I need to go Bri, the door just went. It must be Matt.”

But, Apr-“

I smiled widely and tossed the cordless phone down onto sofa as jogged to the front door. I took a deep breath and I reached for the handle and pulled it open, the grin quickly disappeared when I realised it wasn’t my husband standing there with a dimpled smiled on his face. It was his corporal, and he was frowning, his cap in front of him.

“Mrs Sanders?” his deep, gravelly voice questioned as his green eyes locked with mine.

I nodded as I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat, it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I’d been dreaming about this scenario for months.

“May I come in?”

“Sure,” I muttered, stepping to the side and closing the door after him.

He took a seat on the black sofa, that look never leaving his face as he glanced over at pictures of me and Matt.

“It’s something bad, isn’t it?” I questioned, taking a seat next to him. I had that gut feeling that I didn’t need to ask the question, I already had the answer. I just didn’t want to believe it, and by the looks of it, neither did the corporal.

“You know why I’m here Mrs Sanders, don’t you?” he muttered quietly as he glanced up at me with those jade coloured eyes. They mirrored Zacky’s eyes perfectly.

I gave him a nod as I crossed my legs, I just wanted him to spit it out. We both knew why he was currently sitting in my living room, I just needed to know what had happened.

I needed some answers.

He sighed quietly, “Your husband was out on patrol with his squad when he stepped on a roadside bomb buried in the ground,”

A sob escaped my lips, but gestured for him to carry on.

“He didn’t suffer, he died instantly Mrs Sanders. I’m so sorry for you loss, he was a great soldier and a great friend too many. He’ll be truly missed.”

I nodded weakly as the tears rolled down my face, I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know whether to just sit there or get up and shout and scream. The only thing that kept running through my mind was the fact my husband was never coming home.

I would never see those eyes, those dimples or his smile. I would never get to kiss his lips and he wouldn’t be there to hold me when I was upset. We would never be able to do all things we’d planned like tour the world or run a marathon.

“I should go,” the corporal muttered. “But the army will be in touch to deliver your husband’s belongings.”

I nodded and saw him to the door as he headed down the path. I closed the front door behind me and frowned as I felt my bottom lip quiver.

What did I do now? I didn’t know if they had leaflets on this sort of thing? How was I supposed to cope with this?

I was dreading the phone calls and the visits, I already knew what people were going to say and I didn’t want to hear it. Did they know what it’s like?

I picked up one of the photo frames and smiled, it was a photo of our holiday in Dubai. The day that Matt proposed to me.

We laughed loudly and Matt felt to the ground with an ‘oof’ sound. I giggled at the expression on his face and grabbed his face, giving him a big kiss.

“Babe!” he complained, wiping his lips. “That’s disgusting, you got your germs in my mouth!”

I burst out laughing and rolled over onto my back as he pouted and moved onto his side. He grinned and tickled my sides.

“Okay! Okay stop!” I screamed as we wrestled around in the sand, laughing like maniac’s as we ignored the strange looks from passersby. “You win!”

“I love you.” He smiled as he pecked me on the lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled back as I pulled his lips back to mine.

“I love you too, Matt.”

He stopped laughing and looked into my eyes, his own brilliant eyes sparkling in the sunlight. When he said that to me, it somehow felt different this time, it didn’t feel like any other time we had said it.

“Look April, I know we’ve been through a lot in the past six and I’ve realised something,” he grinned as he spoke every, single word. “That I can’t live my life without you, you keep me grounded. April Paterson? Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

I squealed and my arms tightened, nearly choking me to death.

“Of course I will! I thought you’d never ask.”

I let out a loud sob and slid down the wall, my hands clutching tightly onto the photo I was holding. I didn’t know what to do, so I cried.

And cried.

***

My face was an emotionless shell as I sat there in the front row of the church, staring at the sight in front of me. I could hear my friend’s talking all around me; some were crying and others were reminiscing about the good times. They claimed that Matt wouldn’t want us to remember him this way, but I strongly disagreed.

He wouldn’t care which way we did this because he was dead, how could they begin to know what he would’ve wanted?

Some of these people hadn’t seen him in years, so how could they know what he wanted?

Others had the nerve to come, even after they became distant when he joined the forces. It made me sick, only a small, select few could begin to know anything about his life.

They were his real friends, not people who claimed to be.

Even the minister was talking a lot of bullshit, he had no idea who Matt was. He didn’t know what made him happy or sad, excited or Nervous. Brian had to practically hold me down, he knew was I furious about all of the fakes.

The only person who I truly appreciated being here apart from the guys and their other halves, was Valary Dibenedetto. She knew him like we knew him, she wasn’t just some person who he bumped into in the street or met at the grocery store.

He used to love her, so I felt like she needed to be here.

I could’ve almost laughed at her tone of voice when I called, she definitely hadn’t been expecting that phone call. Maybe from Brian, maybe from Zack but definitely not from me.

She always avoided Matt’s birthdays because she didn’t feel like she was part of the family.

She fit in more than I did.

I’d had always felt like 2nd best compared to her, but Matt had always reassured me that I was the only one.

***

Brian wrapped his around me as we strolled along the gravel path in silence, it’s not that we didn’t want to talk. We just didn’t know what to say.

My heart stopped when I noticed the black coffin with the flag folded neatly around it. My husband was in there, he was only a couple of metres away.

He was home.

My eyes stung and my knees began to quake as we past the grave, I could see every single detail on his coffin and the roses on top of our nation’s flag. I picked up a bit of dirt and launched it, hearing it bounce off of the shiny object.

“He would’ve been proud of you today.” Brian muttered as I walked into his arms, his arms tightening around my waist. I smiled and crushed myself against him, my arms winding their way around his neck as I rested my head on his shoulder.

“Really?”

He nodded and smiled down at me, “Of course, he was always proud of you. He will always be proud of you April.”

I pulled away and smiled bitterly.

Matt kept his promise, he came home.

I just never thought he would come home like this, in a wooden box.