Death is Black and White

I'm awake, but I don't open my eyes right away. I want to hear what they're saying.

"You're lucky as hell that they aren't involving the police, young lady!" My mom's voice whisper-shouts.

"It was an accident!" Miranda's voice comes next, in that same hushed tone from across the room. "Of course I didn't want to hurt her!"

"I'm just saying. I understand that you're having the baby soon, but that doesn't mean you have to get your little sister involved in your fights! This is a new low, Miranda."

"But I didn't..." Miranda starts to protest, but I guess she just gets frustrated and gives up.

"I feel bad," she says quietly. I believe her, even if it wasn't her fault.

"And you should!" my mom snaps. I guess she isn't convinced.... "They had to shave the back of her head, for God's sake!"

Something inside of me snaps, like i've been hanging on a bungee cord over an entire city. And suddenly I'm hurling toward the ground, full speed ahead. I shoot up in my bed, sending the heart rate monitor into panic-mode, and reach up to feel the stitches. Tears spring to my eyes, and my head hurts from sitting up so fast.

"That DICK!" I nearly scream, sending my mom flying out of her chair and to my bedside in a split second. She doesn't yell at me, probably because i'm currently being hospitalized, but she doesn't look pleased by my language. But I don't give a fuck.

"He's all happy-go-lucky that I'm not concussed, yet he just forgot to add in the little detail that I have no hair?" I clench my teeth together to keep from crying. I've never been obsessive about my hair. But I've cared about it enough to know that I like it on my head.

"Well, it's just the back of it...sweetie..." my mom tries to comfort me.

I just swat her away and grind my teeth. "Shut up! It's not like you can talk, you actually have hair! This is fucking ridiculous!"

"Hey!" She snaps. "I will not be talked to like that, young lady! Sick or not, I'm still the adult here. Now I don't want to hear that word again, or--"

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck on a God-damned-fucking duck, mother! I don't have hair!" I'm nearly screaming. Smoke might as well be coming out of my mom's ears, she looks so pissed. But I'm so mad right now that I can't see straight. Who the hell is she to tell me what to do or say?

"My entire Winter break is ruined because I won't be able to do anything, my head hurts, I won't be able to go anywhere! I mean, I'm half bald for God's sake! You expect me to be calm, Carol?" I don't know why I call her by her first name. But I'm too angry to care. Everything's going wrong in my life. First Lotty, now this. I'm going insane.

"Lydia. We are in a hospital. Keep. Your. Voice. DOWN."

"You want me to stop shouting? WELL FIX MY FUCKING HEAD!" I scream.

Then she slaps me. Right across the face, a full on bitch slap. I shut up right away, silent tears falling down my face. I'm falling apart. My mother has never layed a hand on me. Ever.

Her eyes are glassy with tears. "I will not be talked to like that. Ever. Again." She looks so broken. More broken than I am.

Suddenly there's a knock on the door, and a nurse rushes in. "Is everything all right?" she asks.

Then she sees me, tear-stained, heart-monitor going crazy, probably red in the face. And she sees my mother beside me, also crying. And she heard me yelling. And for all we know, she heard my mother's hand make contact with my cheek, like a gun-shot. And I can see it in her face that something deep in her mind has clicked. My stomach plunges and it's like I can touch the embarrassment that floats off of everyone in the room like B.O.

The nurse looks like she's contemplating what she should do or say, but my mom speaks.

"I'm sorry. Lydia's just getting kind of wound up. I think it's the medication."

The nurse nods and pastes on a small smile, and something wakes up inside me.

"She hit me," I announce. My mom's jaw drops. i don't know why I said it. But I really don't care.

"She...what?" The nurse says, even though she knows perfectly well what I said.

"She slapped me, can't you see the mark? There's gotta be a mark," my voice rises with every word. "It's throbbing like crazy. It's red isn't it?"

My voice is thick from crying, it doesn't even sound like me. The nurse's eyes are wide, and she starts to back up. She leans out the door and calls to another nurse. "Hey, Barb? Can you grab someone from security for me? We've got a problem in here."

My mom stifles a sob and looks at me. I meet her eyes angrily and raise my eyebrows.

"Lydia!" Miranda yells. "What is wrong with you?"

I turn to face her. "Wrong with me? Unlike you and mom, I'm not the one beating on minors."

And then security shows up to take away my mother. And as they escort her out, Miranda trailing close behind, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.