Death is Black and White

After Samantha freaked out (apparently she doesn’t do well with breakdowns) and went to get another nurse to calm me down, they went ahead and called my parents. They want us to meet up so we can discuss putting me on medication, but I know what that will do to me. And I don’t want it.

I’m still sitting against the wall, knees to my chest and my breathing shallow, when Samantha comes back to tell me about this. There’s an almost scared look in her eyes, like I might grab a knife and start cutting myself at any moment.

“I don’t want meds. I don’t need them,” I growl. “I’m not crazy, we don’t need to bring them into this.”

I’m talking about my parents now. My relationship with my mother is completely severed, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I always thought she cared enough about me, the way she made sure I did well in school, how she let me stay home when I wasn’t feeling well. She went to art shows. She bought me itunes giftcards and art supplies. Motherly shit like that. But I know this is all her idea. She really does think I’ve gone insane.

I need to forgive my dad, though. Something in my head, whether it be that I really do care about him or I just need someone to forgive, tells me that he’s just going along with another one of my mother’s plans, just like when they were married. I almost sympathize for him seeing as that’s probably the reason they split up, and now he’s being sucked back into her controlling life. But I’m still here, in this damned rehab center-slash-mental-hospital, and I hate them both. The hate for my father, though, and his woodsy house that’s been more home to me than my actual one has ever been, the one that I want so badly to go back to, isn’t quite as vicious.

I put my head down and fix my gaze on the floor. Samantha sits next to me cautiously, “Maybe it’ll help you,” she whispers, like if she talks too loud I’ll start crying again. Even her words are afraid of me. I realize that right now I’m like a ticking time bomb, and all the nurses are afraid of me. Which is retarded because I’m nothing more than a lazy teenager with an average GPA and a ghost over my shoulder that only I can see, apparently.

“Am I really that scary? Does everyone really believe that I have some sort of brain dysfuntion and can’t handle sharp objects?”

She doesn’t say anything, just puts her hand over mine and lets the time go by until I have to go to bed. Time drags on; my mind won’t shut off. Lotty is following me, and she’s followed me to the hospital. She wants my body so she can live again, that much has become sickeningly clear. But what am I supposed to do? Let her possess me on and off until she completely takes my body? Should I have an exorcism? That seems too drastic. But is it really? I mean, look around. I’m in a fucking mental hospital for God’s sake. What am I supposed to do if she does take my body? It’s not like I can control it. I don’t even know what’s going on while I’m being possed (I shudder at the thought of that) until I wake up with words etched into my skin. This kid…ghost…demon…whatever the hell she is, is creative, I’ll give her that. But she’s dangerous. And ould my friends even realize that I’ve been taken over by a demonic nine-year-old’s ghost? What would she even do? Would she start killing people just like she did when she was alive?

I actually gasp out loud, unable to take any more of the questions bouncing off the walls of my mind. I can’t stay in this room anymore, with the portraits of a deceased killer staring at me from all directions. I swing my legs off the bed and put on my glasses. I need to call Sam, and although I don’t know how I’m going to do that (hack into the front desk and see if I can use the phone without security noticing, perhaps?) I son’t know, but I head into the hallway and I wander through the halls aimlessly, looking to find the reception area. This place looks like a labrynth in the dark, and I start to wish I brought my ipod with me to maybe relieve some tension. Oh wait, my parents didn’t include that in my “essentials” that they packed for me. Well guess what, bitches? My ipod is and essential.

I start turning a corner and my eyes catch something behind me. Whipping around, I raise my hands to my mouth to keep from screaming at the short girl in front of me with dark hair, a scarred up ankle, and startled eyes.

“Jesus CHRIST!” I whisper. “You scared the living shit outta me!”

Lissi bites her lip, which surprises me because earlier she was so confident (and annoying as fuck). She looks so insecure and a little frightened. “I’m sorry,” she whispers back.

“Were you following me?” I ask and pull her off to the side of the hall and out of direct sight, even if it is one in the morning.

She nods slowly and follows. She doesn’t explain, so I go ahead to ask her why.

“I see them, too,” she says. I raise an eyebrow.

“See them?”

She just nods and twirls her flat hair between two fingers. “The ghosts,” she whispers.

For a second my expression is surprised and a little shocked, and I’m about to question her when I remember the events from earlier today. Something in me snaps and I start to turn around to walk in the other direction.

“Just go away,” I snarl. If I tell her anything, she’s just going to run off to her little friends and gossip about my sorry ass. Well, not today.

“I’m serious!” she says a little more urgently, following me with a quickened pace.

“Yeah, and I’m serious when I say get the hell away from me.”

“Please don’t be afraid of her,” she pleads.

I stop in my tracks. How does she know so much about Lotty? Does she really see her too? I thought it was just me…

“Listen,” I start, “I honestly have no clue as to how you know so much about me, but I don’t think you even come close to understanding anything about what’s going on in my life right now. I can’t just ignore her, she’s already tried to hurt me twice. And she’s sure as hell succeeded so far. So unless you know any exorcists I can call up, get out of my face.”

She takes a step back. “Exorcists? I know she can be mean and petty, but you can’t get rid of her. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’m really sorry for this afternoon, I don’t really have control over when she comes out.”

Now it’s my turn to be confused. “This afternoon? Is this some twisted mental-hospital way of apologizing for sticking your nose in everybody’s asses then laughing about it with your friends? Because I don’t accept.”

She tilts her head and looks almost amused. “Those aren’t my friends. They’re Lissi’s friends.”

I rub my forehead, still at a loss. “Aren’t you Lissi?” I figure I must have mixed her up with one of her clones. Maybe this was Bridget, or Amy. I glance at her ankle. Nope, that’s definitely Lissi.

She nods to herself. “No, I’m Natalie. Like I said, I’m really sorry.”

I don’t have time for this. “What, do you have multiple personality disorder or something?”

She stares off into the hallway behind me and nods, embarrassed.

“Well, shit,” I say. “I didn’t know.”

“Lissi’s a bitch,” she sighs.

“I’ve noticed.”

“But I’m serious,” she says, and we start walking again. “I see ghosts. I’m not trying to get dirt on you or anything, that’s Lissi who actually cares what other people do, as if that’ll make her less of a freak.”

I laugh dryly. “How do you even know I have a ghost following me?”

Her expression goes serious and she looks over her shoulder. “Because none of the other ghosts will go near you. She’s like what, six?”

“Nine,” I say automatically, the dark hallway around me seems more menacing with the mentioning of her. “How many other ghosts are there here?”

“It depends. Sometimes they just pass through; they know I can see them, but I can never really understand them so they usually just leave. But your ghost is scary. I only saw her once, and I nearly peed myself when I did. She’s not just scary looking, she’s got this…funk.”

I laugh at her choice of words, but know what she’s talking about.

“That chill in the air around her,” she continues, “And how she makes everything around her seem lifeless. She takes all the attention, and it’s creepy. I get the feeling she could get you to do whatever she wanted with the snap of her little fingers.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I say, thinking of all that she’s made me draw. She wants me to know who she was, and who she is. “So, um, do you know where the reception desk is?”

“Need to make a phonecall?” she asks mischieviously, which tells me that I’m not the only one to have tried this.

I nod, and she leads me there. Smiling, I pick up the phone, automatically dialing Sam’s number.

She picks up on the fifth ring. “Lydia?” she says groggily with a small tinge of excitement in her voice. The last conversation we had was about ten minutes long.

“Hey, Sam,” I smile into the phone, hoping she knows that hearing her voice has just made my night. I’ve almost forgotten what my old life felt like, and I’ve only been here for three weeks.

“What are you doing up?”

“I can’t stop thinking about Lotty,” I tell her quietly. I recount all of my clouded thoughts about possession to her and how I really want to talk to her in person but we can’t meet until our scheduled time this weekend and it’s killing me.

“I miss you so much, Lyd,” she sighs. “School is such a drag, and I’m driving myself crazy hanging out with Adam and Josh all the time. I mean, I love them to death, but Jesus. A girl can only take so much testosterone before she starts biting her nails again!”

I laugh. She used to bite her nails a few years ago, but she broke the habit when she starting dating Adam. “Do you think glow in the dark nail polish is toxic after it’s dried?” she ponders, which only makes me laugh harder. I have to cover my mouth so I don’t wake anyone up.

“You should come here tomorrow,” I say.

“But what about school?” she says. “And won’t you get in trouble because I’m not here for a ‘scheduled visit’?” She uses a deep, mocking tone when she says ‘scheduled visit’.

“You say this like you’ve never skipped school before,” I laugh. “And I think I have an idea as to how I can sneak out. I met this really cool nurse that can break me out. How about tomorrow at one?”

“Sounds good,” she says with a smile in her voice.

“Cool,” I say, then before she can hang up I add, “And could you maybe see if Josh wants to come?”

I bite my lip, hoping I don’t sound too desperate, but Sam just laughs on the other line. “Sure, I’ll ask him. You guys would be cute together! I should set you up.”

“Shut up!” I tease, smirking to myself . “And talk about awkward!”

I can’t get the memory out of my head from when he tried to hold my hand that last night I saw him, even though it was totally embarrassing because my hands were beyond un-holdable and I pulled my hand away immediately at his touch. Should I have sucked it up and let him hold it? Did I hurt his feelings? Make him feel stupid? I feel my cheeks heating up at the thought.

“You’re blushing, dude,” she says.

“How do you even know that?” I laugh. “You’re such a telepathic freak!”

“I’m special!” she says, before saying goodbye.

I hang up the phone and turn around to thank Lissi…or I mean Natalie, but she’s already halfway down the hall, walking quickly as if trying to get away from me and mumuring to herself.

“Don’t, Liss,” she says to herself. “Wait until I get back to my room.” Then her voice goes up an octave, and I don’t think she realizes I can hear her. “That’s right, Nat, let’s get back to the room so you can rest. Wait till tomorrow, she’s going to freak.”

“Shut up, stop pretending you can see the future,” she tells Lissi.

“Shut up,” Lissi repeats in a mocking tone, “and stop pretending you can see ghosts!”

“I’m not pretending!”

“Then neither am I. Let’s get the hell out, she can hear us.”

Natalie turns around and I gasp then speed out of the reception area, not caring where my room is and how long it’ll get there. Nothing makes sense here anyway.