I've Got a Secret

I sat it my bed hugging my knees to my chest. 

It's over. 

My secret's out, and Spencer was right all along. Things are just going to get worse from here on out. 

And I won't have Brendon there to protect me either. I'm not Jane anymore.

Unless today maybe he stood up on the table in the cafeteria during lunch and made some sort of coming out/gay acceptance speech.

That'd be amazing, but unlikely. He has friends and family that go to school there, and he wouldn't risk getting kicked out of his house for me. I'm not worth it anyway. 

Right now, he's probably at school, denying any sort of notion that he may have known that I wasn't actually a girl, in order to keep his rep, while I'm at home sulking. 

I can't go back. Not yet. 

I'll have to eventually. There are no other schools on this side of town. But not yet. 

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my window. I looked over, and Brendon was balancing on the chain link fence right outside my window, looking slightly sympathetic. 

I quickly got up and opened the window, letting him in. 

"You could have used the door you know." I said, supporting him as he crawled in. 

"Yeah, but I figured it'd be easier on you if you didn't have to get up or anything. Besides, the window's more fun." he said flashing me a smile. 

I meekly smiled back. "Well thanks I guess." 

Once he was fully inside, he placed a chaste kiss on my forehead and wrapped me in his warm embrace. 

"How are you?" he asked in a soft sincere voice, as if saying Are you really as okay as you're presenting yourself to be?

I sighed. "I don't know." I answered. "I'm bored, worried, scared, kind of sad I guess." I answered surprisingly honest. "How are things at school?" I asked, not really sure if I actually wanted to know. 

He sighed. "Do you want the blunt truth, or do you want it sugarcoated?" he asked. 

"Might as well know the truth I guess." I answered. 

"Er, well, it's pretty much all over the school now. The dumb asses told everyone and well, yeah. Um, people were just mostly shocked I guess. I don't know what it will be like when you go back. If you go back..." he trailed off. 

"I don't really have much of a choice." I muttered, sitting on the bed. 

He nodded. "I'm sorry." he said. 

I looked at him. "For what?" I asked. 

He sighed again and sat down next to me on the bed. 

"When they asked me of I knew... If I knew that I was actually dating a guy, I told them I didn't. That you had me fooled as well. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I'm just not ready..."

"It's okay." I cut him off. "I understand. I figured just as much anyway." I mumbled. 

He looked at me with guilty eyes. "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I wish I could come out. I really do... But my parents..." 

"It's okay. You don't have to explain." I forced a smile. 

He didn't look convinced. Instead he just leaned forward and rested his head on my chest. 

It's okay, because I wasn't convinced either. 

I figured sappy cliches would save me from an argument I really didn't need right now. So I lied. I don't understand. It's not really okay. I don't want to go through this alone. But I didn't speak. So for now, it's okay. 

He's acting as if he'll end up like me if he comes out. He has a lot of good loyal friends I'm sure will stand by him, and he's tough. He can take care of himself. And his parents... They don't seem like the kind of harsh people that would just throw him out on the street right? Even if they did, he could always live with me. 

I just don't think it's fair to me. Why should I be the one to go through all the pain and humiliation? Well it was my idea I guess, but I shouldn't have to go through it alone. He's just as involved as I am. 

I'm not going to push anything right now though. It's a sensitive time for both of us. 

Besides, maybe I'm not worth it anyway. That I can understand. Maybe I'm being the selfish one. Maybe I want him to be by my side at all times no matter the consequences. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and see where things take us. 

I continued to play with his hair as he rested his head on my chest, and we just sat in silence. 

"When are you coming back?" he asked. 

I sighed. "I dunno. I think I'll wait a few days for things to die down. Maybe a week." 

He nodded. "I'm sorry." he said. 

"It's not your fault." I told him. 

"If I hadn't provoked them in the first place... We should have just left before things got serious. None of
this would have happened." he mumbled. 

"It was bound to happen sooner or later. It was a stupid idea anyway." I said. 

"No. It wasn't." he said. I raised an eyebrow at him. "If you had never pretended to be Jane, I probably would have never realized I was gay. I also probably would have never pursued you. Which would have sucked because I really like being with you." 

I smiled. "Yeah. I guess it did have it's advantages. Plus I never had to answer anything in class." 

He laughed and pecked my cheek. 

"Don't worry. Things will get better eventually." he said. 

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.