I've Got a Secret

t's been a few days since the shooting, since the suicide, and I decided to go back to school. The principal called my mom and explained everything, and my mom claimed it was her idea, and told her that she just wanted to try and keep me safe.

I had just dressed myself when my mom called from upstairs, letting me know that Spencer was here to pick me up for school.

I sighed and took one last look in the mirror before heading down stairs, in my guys clothes without my wig. Without my comfort.

"Hey." Spencer said as I climbed in the car.

I sighed before answering. "Hi," I said.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" He asked in a worrysom voice.

"Yeah. I'd have to go back eventually." I answered. He nodded.

"You know, I bet everyones forgotten about it by now anyway with the whole Pete thing and everything." He said in order to comfort me most likely.

"Yeah," I said. But I doubt it.

No one has forgotten.

We got to school and the energy was low. People were sulking, people were mostly silent. There were no giggly girls.

"It's not like anyone besides Brendon and the douche bags saw you without your disguise anyway. Maybe they wont recognize you." Spencer tried.

Yeah, sure.

I can see it now.

Douche bag #1: "Hey look! It's the tranny! Looks like he grew some balls and decided to come back."

Douche bag #2: Hey! Lets beat him to a bloody pulp because we're ignorant and close minded!"

Or something like that.

We passed by a girl crying over Pete in the hallway. Oh please. If she really cared that much, she wouldn't have ignored him like everyone else in the first place and this wouldn't have happened. At least it probably wouldn't have if he had at least one friend. She doesn't have the right to cry over him. She doesn't deserve it.

I looked over and some guy was nudging his friend and gesturing to me. The friends eyes widened as they shared whispers back and forth about the freaky tranny. 'Bout Ryan Ross. This kid that can never catch a break.

Suddenly I felt as if everyones eyes were on me. I could feel their gazes burning a hole in my back. My heart began beating faster and faster, and my palms began sweating. The next step was hyperventalation.

We stopped at my locker and I turned to Spencer. My breathing was getting hard already.

"Spencer, I can't do this." I said in a hushed tone. "What was I thinking? Everyone is staring at me. I can't do this."

"Ryan, its fine. No ones done anything yet, okay? People are just curious. Its okay." Spencer gave his best attempt to soothe me.

"Yeah. Yet." I muttered.

He gave me a pittied, sympathetic smile.

Suddenly, we were joined by three silent girls. One of them greeted Spencer with a hug and grabbed his hand.

None of them took their eyes off me.

Greta was the first to speak.

"Um, its Ryan, right?" She asked. I nodded, keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Look, Spencer told us what happened, and why you did it and everything." She continued, "And we admit, at first we were surprised, and a little upset that you felt the need to lie to us-"

"But we understand now." Hayley cut her off. "After this whole Pete thing, we get that it must be really hard for you." She finished.

"Yeah, and we're sorry about Brendon." Vicky continued "Its kind of douchey for him to treat you like this. Like you have he plague or something. We should talk to him." Vicky said the last part towards Greta and Hayley.

I faked a smile.

"Thanks," I said. "Its okay, you don't have to."

"Oh my God. You actually talk." Vicky said while the rest had a look of surprise on their face.

"Um." I looked at Spencer and he explained that I didn't have a very convincing girls voice, so we made up the whole mute thing.

"Well Ryan, whether you're a girl or not, speak or not, we still want you to hang out with you. Sit with us at lunch?" Hayley asked.

"Sure?" I said. Then Greta gave Spencer a kiss on the cheek goodbye, and they went off to their seperate classes.

"We should go too." I told Spencer. He nodded, and led the way to class.

As I was walking, I spotted Brendon. He was looking at me with guilty, sympathetic, sad eyes. I helld his gaze for a second, giving him a very loved, small, and reassuring smile.

He looked like he wanted to cry.

I dropped my gaze, not wanting anyone to notice. A guy standing near Brendon mumbeling "Faggot."

I winced for an unknown reason, and suddenly Brendon turned red with anger.

I froze wide and gave him a warning look which he ignored. He marched towards he guy that said it, grabbed him by the collar of the shirt, and slammed him into the lockers.

"What the hell is the matter with you?! Don't you have a heart or fucking conscience?!" He nearly growled. "Less then a week ago, we had a kid that shot himself in front of the whole fucking school becasuse of your stupid, ignorant comments and bullying. Do you want it to happen again?! Huh, do you?!" He exclaimed, slamming him into the lockers again.

The boy didn't respond, his eyes were wide with fear and shock from the outburst.

"It's fine," I said not looking at either of them. "It doesn't matter."

Brendon looked at me, then let go of the boy before angirly storming off.

I sighed and went in the other direction, ignoring everone that was staring because of the outburst.

~*~

It was the end of the day that went painfully slow.

The hall was nearly empty, and I was standing by my locker, shocing all my books in my bag.

Spencer had a doctors appointment and left me here all alone.

"Hey," I looked up and Brendon was leaning next to my locker.

The hallway was empty now.

"Hey," I mumbled back.

"I'm so fucking sorry." He said. He looked upset.

"Brendon, I told you. It's fine-"

"No, it's not," He cut me off. "It's not fair. All day long you have to deal with ridicule and humiliation, and I just stand there and watch. I feel like a prick. This is all my fault." He said, a tear escaped down his cheek.

Me eyes widened, "Bren, don't cry. Listen, this isn't your fault. Not at all. I chose this so I have to live with the consequences. Its okay, I'm okay." I tried to assure him.

"What do you mean you chose this?" He mumbled.

"I mean the whole cross dressing thing was my idea in the first place?" I said.

"That's because you didn't have any other choice." He mumbled again, looking at the ground.

"Bren," I grabbed his hand. "Walk me home?" I said.

He nodded. I went to walk away, but he didn't move. Instead, he pulled me back in and gave me a sweet, desperate kiss on the lips. I kissed him back, and stood for a moment in silence.

"I've been needing that all day. He said.

Me too.