It Was Always Ryan

The thing is...it was always Ryan. Always. From the moment I met him. Before the phases and the changes and before the rumors and the secrets. Even before the music. I was always pulled to this thin guy, barely even there to grab on to. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, he was always barely there. Like some kind of ghost but he made me feel solid. As solid as I've ever felt. You know how you have your body and then you have your soul? Well, Ryan was my soul. He was what I believed in and wanted and needed and he completed me, as cheesy as that sounds. I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that we're some match made in heaven and that we'll get a happily ever after because I've gotten over Disney dreams (Aladdin included) but he was enough to get me smiling and laughing and isn't that all you really need in life? Story book endings are just there to fall back on when you're depressed but to be truly happy is real. Ryan made me so happy...I don't know what to do. I know that too much has happened to make things go back to the way they were, for him to even have a normal conversation with me or look me in the eyes or...we'll never kiss again. I'll miss that. I miss that. But at the same time he was everything to me and I couldn't get him. I got this fame but I didn't ask for fame. I asked for him.

Maybe it's just one of those "Want what you can't have." deals. Maybe I just need to let go of the past. Maybe forgetting is best.

"It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I don't know who said that first and I don't know if it's true but it's all I've got.

Since I lost him.