Walk Through Hell

Well, this hurts me more than I can stand to say in just one sitting; you left the room so I could pray; so I'll pace the halls to see if I could find a hole in something, or maybe places to escape…

It was as if everyone in the Department of Mysteries had stopped breathing.

The plan on both sides had been to get in and get out. Get in, retrieve the kids, and get out. No one was supposed to get hurt, no one was supposed to be left alone, and most of all, no one was supposed to die.

But, there wasn’t a plan in the world that went off without a few glitches.

As Sirius Black fell behind the veil of death, both sides watched with wide eyes. That had not been a part of the plan. Time, it seemed, was standing still as everyone tried to comprehend what had just happened. Sirius Black was dead. Dead by his own cousin’s hand.

And then, Harry reacted. He reacted more fiercely than anyone had ever seen him react, and he had to be stopped before there was another death that night. Everyone in the DA and Order must have assumed the that everyone would take off after Harry, and thus, the plan to make sure that no one was abandoned, was abandoned itself.

Addie hadn’t be able to overcome her shock quite as quickly as everyone else.

And so she was left there. Alone. Or so she thought.

One Death Eater hadn’t missed Addie’s abandonment.

The only thing that was able to pull Addie out of her state of shock was the jet of white light that flew past her. When she turned, he had already cast another spell, and this one didn’t miss. It picked her up and she flew through the air, until finally hitting the stone wall several feet behind her.

She could feel the skin on her back tear as she slid down the wall. A scream escaped from her lips, but no one heard her. No one was going to come help. Addie was on her own.

Blood was already escaping her wounds, soaking the back of her shirt. It took a moment for her to replace the oxygen that had been forced out of her lungs when she hit the wall, and by the time she had steadied her breathing again, McGregor was headed straight for her.

There was no doubt in Addie’s mind that he was going to kill her. His eyes were full of a raging, sadistic fire, one that could only be put out with death… either hers, or his own.

He grew closer and closer to her, and Addie could actually see her own death coming right toward her. Even after all of the death that had happened around her since Voldemort’s return, Addie had never thought of her own, funnily enough.

Would it hurt? How long would it last? Where would she go after she was gone? Who would attend her funeral? Question after question rushed through her head as McGregor drew in closer, and closer, and closer…

And then, something inside of her snapped.

It was Addie’s body that moved, launching itself on McGregor, sending him to the floor, but she couldn’t remember telling it to do that. But, she didn’t care. The only thought that filled her head was that she was not going to die, not then, not there, not by his hand.

Whether it was her own will to live, or something bigger than that, something paranormal, Addie wasn’t sure, but she fought.

For every curse that McGregor sent her way, Addie answered it with full force, with spells that she wasn’t even sure that she knew, but nonetheless, they flew off of her wand flawlessly. She had never dueled before, but no one would be able to tell from looking at her. With the way she danced around the room, it was like she knew how to duel, though she had never properly been taught.

She didn’t want to kill him. She just wanted to stop him long enough to get out of the room, so she could find her friends. In and out, just like the plan had said.

And it seemed, when McGregor went down from the force of one of her spells, the plan was going to get back on track. So, thinking he was unconscious, she ran.

The room had never seemed so large. All she had to do was get across the room to the door and she would be free. Before she could reach the door, Addie was hit with another spell. She fell to the ground, painfully, losing her wand in the process.

No. She had been so close. It had almost been over. She had almost been free. This couldn’t be happening.

He came upon her again, as she lay on the ground, helpless, and in pain. After all her effort to stay alive, she was going to lose. She was going to die…

As he wrapped two hands around her throat, she began to cry. Loud sobs shook through her body. She realized, for the first time since being left alone with the Death Eater, that she was terrified, absolutely terrified, to die.

His hands wrapped tighter around her neck, stifling her sobs. She was getting evermore light headed with each second without oxygen, evermore closer to death…

Then, in one last second of desperation, she noticed her wand, laying just out of reach.

McGregor was too fixated on watching Addie’s increasingly blue face to notice when she reached her right arm up over her head toward her wand. Desperately, she tried to elongate her arm, slowly inching it closer to her wand.

It was right there… so close… if she could only just reach it…

And then, she did.

For a moment, she continued to lay there, allowing McGregor to literally take the life out of her. Why, she wasn’t sure, maybe she was waiting for the right moment, or maybe she was simply trying to delay what happened next, but whatever it was, it ended when she felt her windpipe on the verge of collapse.

The first spell that came to her mind was a Blasting Curse, and before she could stop herself, she uttered the incantation, and the Blasting Curse did exactly what a Blasting Curse was supposed to do…

McGregor’s body was blown apart.

Addie sat up straight in her bed. A cold sweat dripped down her face and her heart raced inside her chest. Her eyes were wet and stinging with the tears that had escaped from beneath her eyelids during her nightmare.

But had it actually been a nightmare? Nightmares were mere figments of a sleeper’s imagination; frightening stories in which their deepest, darkest fears were played out right before their eyes. However terrifying they could be, they weren’t real, they were works of fiction created by a dreamer’s overstressed subconscious.

This had been real.

It was evil of Addie’s mind to do this to her, to make her relive her most horrible memory in her sleep. The difference between dreaming a memory and dreaming a nightmare was that you could wake up and forget about the nightmare, while a memory, especially one as horrible as this, would be etched in the brain forever.

It was her brain’s way of punishment, Addie supposed, punishment for thinking that she could go forever without ever thinking or talking about it. It was her brain’s way of telling her that she could run for as long and as far as she wanted, but it would never be enough.

Your memories would catch up with you eventually.

--

Harry had been dreaming again.

It was always the same, always. The same memory that haunted him all summer long, the vision of Sirius and his lifeless eyes falling and disappearing behind the veil; it just replayed itself over and over again, night after night.

It had gotten better, though. He was able to sleep longer and longer as time went on before it would come. Often, he would even dream other dreams. Real dreams, happy dreams, ones that normal people would dream about.

But, eventually, it would always come.

And, Harry could never bring himself to go back to sleep after it.

That little fact was what brought Harry down to the common room at four-fifteen in the morning on the first day of classes. The room was chillier than usual, as the fire that usually kept the room warm had long since burned out, and Harry immediately began to wonder why he had come down there with a thin pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt and nothing else.

Before he could turn and go back upstairs for warmer clothing, he noticed he was not the only one down there so early.

“Addie?” he asked. The girl was sitting straight up, her back resting against the cushions of her chair, with her hands resting lightly on her knees. She was fully dressed in her Gryffindor robes, with her tie tied neatly around her neck, and her skirt pleated perfectly, hitting her a few inches above her knees. Her hair was up in a messy bun, with pieces framing her face, and she had her usual bit of light make-up on. For the most part, she looked like her normal self… except for the fact that she was staring blankly out of the window in front of her, “What are you doing down here?”

“I killed McGregor,” she said emotionlessly, without looking at him.

Harry took a seat on the coffee table in front of her and placed a hand on top of hers. She had never said it aloud before; as far as he knew, actually, she had never talked about it to anyone but Dumbledore, and that had just been so he could make it all go away for her, “I know you did.”

“I tried really hard to get away from him,” she said, “but I just couldn’t.”

“I know,” he said, squeezing her hand.

“He was choking me,” she broke her the trance that she had been in, and looked Harry in the eyes.

He nodded for her to continue.

“And I couldn’t hardly breathe anymore…he was going to kill me…and so I killed him.”

As much as Harry hated Fiona, he knew that she had inadvertently helped Addie by bringing up McGregor; she hadn’t talked about it in months, and if she kept it bottled up, she would never get over it, “You didn’t have any choice, Addie. You couldn’t let him kill you.”

“But I did,” she replied, tears threatening to spill over the brims of her eyes again, “I did have a choice.”

“How?”

“I sent a Blasting Curse at him, Harry. I knew full well that it would kill him, and I didn’t care. There were so many other spells I could have used, I could have stunned him…I didn’t have to kill him, but I did…”

That piece of information did frighten Harry a bit; he had never heard how she had killed him, just that she had, and that it was in self defense…but he had to admit, it was a bit gruesome…he couldn’t even imagine what that would have been like to witness…what would have happened to the body…

Harry could relate, however, he had wanted to kill Bellatrix Lestrange so badly… “You did what you had to, Addie. If you hadn’t, he would have killed you. You know better than anyone what Death Eaters are like; they would have done worse to you.”

“I know,” tears spilled down her cheeks, “but somewhere, that guy had a family…someone somewhere loved him…and I took him away from them…”

He let her cry. She had to if she were to ever get over it, she had to let it all out.

“And what if Fiona is right?” she said after some time, “What if I did kill him in cold blood?”

“How could you ever say that she could be right?”

“It didn’t feel like me, though. I felt…so angry…like something else was controlling me…something snapped in me, Harry. The same thing happened to me on the train when I punched her…I just…cracked.”

“Anger can do that to you sometimes.”

“It wasn’t like anger, though. It was something more than that. I completely lost all control of myself. In both instances.”

Harry gripped her shoulders gently, “That’s normal, I swear. It’s happened to me, too.”

Addie let a few more tears fall before drying her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. She sighed, “I’m not normal.”

Harry couldn’t help but laugh quietly, and Addie let her hand hit his knee with a smack, “Sorry,” he said with one last laugh, “You’re are normal. And you're finally reacting to this whole situation normally.”

“So I wasn't normal before, you’re saying.”

“No! You are perfectly normal and always have--”

“I’m just going to stop you right there, so you don’t dig yourself into a hole.”

“That’s very kind of you.”

“It happens.”

With a yawn, Harry looked at the clock above the mantle of the fireplace. It was nearing five o’clock, and he would need a nice, long, cold shower before he would be able to function in a day full of classes, “Well I do need a shower,” he said, sounding a bit more suggestive than he had intended to.

“Are you…inviting me?” Addie asked, amused.

“What, no!” he shouted, then added, “Well I mean, I guess if you wanted…I wouldn’t object…but no! I’m sorry…I mean, I would be honored…”

“Harry,” she stopped him, chuckling at him as his face continued to grow redder and redder, “Remember how I said I didn’t want you to dig yourself into a hole?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re kind of doing it.”

“Right. Well…um…I’m going to shower now…alone…” he began walking toward the boy’s dormitory stairs.

He soon disappeared, leaving Addie to her thoughts once again. A small smile spread across her face. It was amazing how much better Harry had made her feel, even though he hadn’t really said much that she hadn’t already known herself. It was a comfort knowing that he finally knew what had happened.

But, she was still left with an uneasy feeling in her stomach about how easy it had been for her to lose control of herself at the Ministry and on the train. Harry had said that it was normal, but was it? Maybe at the Ministry it had been, after all, her life was endangered, but what about on the train?

It was just the fact that Addie felt like she hadn’t had any control over herself in that situation. Fiona had deserved it, that much was for sure, but Addie couldn’t remember her brain telling her fist to do it.

That certainly wasn’t normal.

Addie needed a second opinion.

--

Hogwarts' unlimited breakfast buffet had been one of the features that Harry and Ron had missed most about their school. The two boys' eyes popped out of their skulls at the mounds of delicious food in the room as they approached the Gryffindor table.

Hermione was already seated in their usual spot in the middle of the table, her head buried in her Ancient Runes textbook, which she had not managed to finish reading before returning to school due to the complex formulas for translation. Next to her, the seat that Addie usually occupied was empty, which Harry thought was odd, due to the fact that Harry had seen her up and fully dressed two hours earlier.

"Morning," Hermione said, without looking up from her textbook. She was clearly regretting not reading it from cover to cover before the first day of classes.

Ron grunted an incomprehensible response, for he had already began to shovel food into his mouth. Harry grabbed himself a bowl of oatmeal and asked, "Where's Addie?"

Hermione's eyes snapped up from her book and immediately looked at the cold, empty seat next to her, "She didn't come down here with you? She wasn't in her bed this morning... I just assumed she was down in the common room, but I didn't look because I was in such a rush to finish this book before Ancient Runes today..."

A slight twinge of worry passed through Harry's body; Addie had been so out of it that morning... but it seemed as though she was all right when he left her... but if she hadn't been and she had wandered off and go into trouble, all because he had left her to take a bloody shower, Harry would never forgive himself.

Quietly, he told Hermione and Ron of his encounter with Addie earlier that morning and about what she had told him about that night at the Ministry. They both wore the same slightly horrified look that Harry had upon hearing exactly how McGregor was killed.

"I...I can't even imagine what that was like to witness..." Hermione said, shaking her head, "How horrible... a Blasting Curse."

"It wasn't her fault," Harry said, defensively. The last thing Addie needed was for Hermione to come up with a list of all of the other spells that could have been of use to her instead of the one she had chosen.

"I know," Hermione said, a bit taken aback. She looked as though she was about to say something else, but was stopped as Professor McGonagall approached them, their schedules in her hand.

"Good morning," she greeted them. They mumbled in response as she handed each of them a piece of parchment with their schedules for the term neatly printed across them, "Where is Miss Clayworth? I was sure she would be with you three."

The three looked at each other, unsure of what to say, "Er..."

McGonagall interrupted them, "Well, I suppose she will know to come find me when she decides to show up."

She moved swiftly on down the table to the next group of students and Ron let out a groan, "Bloody hell," Harry and Hermione looked at him curiously, "Look what we've got first."

Simultaneously, Harry and Hermione looked at their schedules and reciprocated Ron's disgust. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday all term, their first class of the day would be Defense Against the Dark Arts, with Slytherin House, instructed by Professor Snape.

--

Addie had not surfaced when the bell rang, signaling the start of the first class of the day.

Harry sat at a table by himself, in the back corner of the classroom with Ron and Hermione at the table in front of him. They sent him a worried look over their shoulders as Snape entered the room.

"Hey Potter," a voice resonated from behind him, "where's your little girlfriend?" Harry turned to see a swollen-faced, black eyed Fiona sitting with Pansy at a table next to Malfoy and Blaise Zabini, who were at the table directly behind Harry, "I sure hope she didn't run off and get herself killed already."

All of the nearby Slytherins laughed, except for Draco, who was resting his head in his hands and pretending like he hadn't heard her.
Harry opened his mouth to respond appropriately, but Hermione caught his eye and shot him a look first, It's not worth it, she mouthed. Not wanting to upset Snape on the first day of class, Harry complied and kept his mouth shut, just as Snape instructed them to take out their textbooks.

Twenty minutes later, just after Snape had instructed the class to break up into pairs to practice nonverbal spells, after a brief and highly uninformative lecture, Addie slipped into the empty seat next to Harry.

"What the--" Harry jumped, startled by his friend's sudden appearance, "Where did you come from," he asked, "and more importantly, where the hell have you been?"

"You're not using a time turner are you?" Ron asked as he and Hermione stood to practice their nonverbals.

Addie shook her head, "As far as I know, we destroyed all of those when we were in the Department of Mysteries...anyway," she added, turning to Harry, "I was writing a letter if you must know."

"A letter? To who?"

"My mum," she replied, then quickly changing the subject, "What are the chances that Snape noticed I was gone? He was occupied with Neville when I slipped in and I don't think he saw me..."

"I beg to differ," Snape's monotonous voice drawled from behind her. Addie held her breath as she turned to face her professor, who was surely not going to take her unexcused absence from the first day of his class lightly.

From his table behind Addie's, Draco, who had been, up until that point, uninterested in anything Snape had to say in class that day, stopped practicing his spells with Zabini and turned his ears towards Addie and Snape.

Addie began to speak, but Snape silenced her, "Save your breath, Miss Clayworth. While I'm sure that your excuse as to why you have waltzed into my classroom twenty minutes late is an exceedingly well-constructed lie that would provide me with a great deal of amusement this early in the morning, I do not wish to hear it."

Once again, Addie made to speak, but was again stopped by Snape, "I do not wish to hear anything that you have to say, Miss Clayworth. I will accept no excuse for your tardiness. Detention in my office every Friday night beginning this week."

Addie's eyes widened. Friday night was the only night that she allowed herself to take a break from schoolwork, "For how long?" she asked, unable to hide the anger from her voice.

"Until I feel that you have sufficiently learned your lesson," and with that, Snape left to criticize Parvati and Lavender several tables away.

Addie's eyes met Draco's, who had not made any effort to conceal the fact that he had been listening. Unsure if he was angry with her or not after the events that unfolded on the train, Addie gave him a halfhearted smile.

He smirked, and then, in a tone that made Addie know that everything was alright between them, said, "Sixth year is really off to a great start for you, isn't it?"

Sure is, Addie thought sarcastically, it sure as hell is.