Not Afraid to Die

"Where's Rian?"

"Visiting hours haven't started yet."

"Why not?"

"Because the doctor didn’t give you enough sedative to knock you out for the whole night. They need to give you a horse tranquilizer."

"You're just cranky."

"Wonder why."

Lolita may have woken Dante up after he only got a few hours of sleep. It had been an accident. Lolita had been trying to grab the fork again. In her boredom of being awake long before visiting hours were to start and breakfast was supposed to be served, she had to find something to do. She was so close to getting it. Her finger brushed the edge of it.

And then she fell.

She didn't just fall back onto her mattress. That wouldn't have been half as noisy. No, she fell against the movable tray next to her bed, sending it cascading into the wall and clattering quite loudly to the floor. Then, Dante woke up.

Thankfully all of the wires attached to her body stayed in place.

"Do you still love me?" Lolita asked, staring at her brother with large, watery eyes.

He sounded so angry with her. She didn't think she had ever heard him that frustrated. Nothing she did ever warranted that sharp of tone.

Realizing he was coming off too upset, Dante's face softened. "Of course I still love you."

"You do?"

"Love, nothing you do will make me hate you."

Lolita hesitated before asking, "What if I told you I was the one to push Blaine to ask you to get coffee?"

The male nurse did ask Dante to go out for coffee, and Dante had apparently agreed. Her sibling had walked into the room afterwards, large dazzling smile on his face, excitement clear in his eyes. When he told Lolita that he had agreed to get coffee with Blaine in a few days, she knew she had made the right decision in pushing the nurse to ask.

Dante sure as hell wouldn't have taken the initiative to ask Blaine himself.

"I already knew that," Dante assured.

"You did?"

"Its not everyday attractive nurses stop me in the hall to ask me to go out for coffee. I figured you had something to do with it."

"And you're not upset?"

"No," Dante shook his head, lazy smile stretching across his face, "I'm happy you did it. Blaine seems like a pretty good guy, and if he passed your test, he's got to be worth taking a shot on."

"I just wanted you to be happy," Lolita said, "in case anything happens."

Dante's jaw fell, hanging loose on its hinges. She set him up with Blaine to cushion the blow of her possible death. Did she know her chances of living were that low? She had made no indication of it at any point in time.

"Nothing's going to happen, love. You're going to live, and you'll come back to my apartment, demanding a root beer the whole way."

"Yeah," Lolita mumbled.

He didn't understand. She could feel her body weakening. Standing on the bed had taken so much out of her. Not because of the fall, though that hurt, but because her body was beginning to fail. It wasn't much of change. It had been such a small drop farther into sickness, she was sure the doctor's wouldn't think anything of it. But she knew. There was no hoping anymore. There was pretending she didn't feel like she was dying, so her brother and father wouldn't be absolutely devastated by the loss, so they would think she hadn't suffered. No matter how hard she fought, she was positive she wouldn't beat this.

That didn't mean she would give up. She wanted to be selfish, wanted to spend as many days as she could with her family before she passed on. It was only a matter of time before her father called off the tour and returned to town to sit by her bed.

And there was Rian, too. She wanted to spend time with him. Enough to quench her need for him.

That need wasn't quenchable.

"It'll be okay, I promise," Dante stated, squeezing her hand.

Damn it, she would live.

A humming noise emitted from the back of Lolita's throat. Maybe he was right. There had been illnesses that caused her to feel worse as her body fought to attack the virus before she finally started to feel better. The chances of sepsis being that kind of infection were pretty high. Her body had caused her to experience fever, dizziness, and other things while trying to fight without the help of proper medication. She still had a reason to keep up hope.

But her insecurity about her life expectancy was still there.

She had those moments every once in awhile, those moments where she questioned whether or not she would live. When she was younger, she didn't think she would make it to high school. For a week, she had been in a rut because she was sure she would die any day. Then, she reminded herself that she had proper medical attention to keep her alive, and whether she did live past the next day or not didn't matter. All that mattered was her family and living the way she wanted to.

She was hoping the rut wouldn't last long, hopefully not the full length of the infection. The rut had a tendency to take over when she was stuck in the hospital for long periods of time.

Long periods meaning anything beyond four hours, about the length of time she could sit still if heavily sedated.

The drummer Lolita had been demanding to see for the past hour walked into the room, a brightly colored present bag and a fast-food bag clutched in his hands.

"Rian," Lolita exclaimed.

"Lolita," Rian returned with as much enthusiasm as she had.

Admittedly, he was mocking her.

"I missed you," Lolita stated, wiggling on the bed.

"Did you now?"

She hummed an affirmative answer, causing a smile to form on his face. She was so cute. Dressed in a hospital gown, hair almost lifeless, face without makeup, she was still absolutely adorable.

"Please tell me something in that Burger King bag is for me," Dante said.

Rian gave a short nod. "Egg and cheese biscuit, three packs of apple jelly, just how you like it." He placed the bag in Dante's outstretched hand.

"You are a savior."

"I try." He popped his collar with his free hand. "Oh, the band should be here soon."

"Which one?"

"I think both."

"Sounds good."

"What's in the present bag?" Lolita asked, eyeing the brightly colored contraption hanging from his hand.

"You won't know until you open it." Rian held the bag out for Lolita to take.

Her moss green eyes darted from the bag to Rian. "It's for me?" she squeaked.

His nod was enough for her to grab the bag from his hand quickly and pull it open. Pulling the tissue paper out, she exposed the contents of the bag to her eyes. She shoved a hand into the bag to pull each object out one at a time.

A box of her favorite granola bars, a coloring book and large container of crayons, and two picture frames. One frame held a picture of her, Dante, and their father piled around their barbeque while their father attempted to make food. Rian must have asked Dante for that one. The other frame contained a picture of her and Rian. They had taken it while eating their homemade pizza. She distinctly remembered having to take the picture multiple times because Rian couldn't get the timer right.

Tears accumulated in her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks. She placed the contents of the present bag on the table next to her bed. The pictures were positioned so she could see them both clearly. She looked at the arrangement for a moment, then looked up at Rian with a large toothy smile across her face. This may have been one of the sweetest presents she had ever received while in the hospital.

"This is amazing. Thank you."

"Do you like it enough to give me a hug?"

"Always."

Rian leaned over and carefully wrapped his arms around Lolita's shoulders, the young girl wrapping her own around him to the best of her ability without disrupting the wires connected to her body. Warmth spread through her, comforting her in the bland hospital room

She never wanted him to pull away.

Through her elated state, she caught a glimpse of Dante flashing Rian two thumbs up.