Not Afraid to Die

"Do you think that spot looks like a clown?" Lolita asked once her brother had stepped out of the room.

"Really, why are you looking at spots on the ceiling?" Rian asked, walking further into the room.

Lolita pulled her eyes away from the clown-like spot and looked at him. Ignoring the way his sweatshirt clung to his frame, the wording of the tee shirt poking out, Lolita sent him a mock-annoyed look.

"I already answered that."

"Are the spots really cooler than the TV?"

"Yep," she chirped, "'Cause they make cool shapes and," she paused, "stuff."

"The television bores you that much?" Rian asked, placing the present bag on the table beside Lolita's bed and sitting in his usual seat.

"You have no idea," she sighed.

There was never anything good on the television. Not at home. Not at the hospital. Not at Dante's apartment. Nothing was really worth watching. Every type of program played had some flaw in catching Lolita's attention. Movies, for example, were too long. Lolita wasn't capable of sitting still for more than thirty minutes on a good day. There was no way she could sit through a movie. Cartoons were something she watched when she was extremely young, till the age of seven perhaps, but they stopped being able to satisfy her after that. Television as a whole seemed to lose interest around the time she turned seven.

Her loss of interest could have been attributed to the first major sickness she could remember taking place around that time. She had been stuck in bed for at least a week, watching cartoon reruns and pretending to do math work.

Math had been so simple back then.

She remembered being scared. Really scared. Her body had been in so much pain. At one point, she coughed up a red, sticky substance that was later identified as blood. She was cold even though it was the middle of summer and she had all the blankets in the house. Her doctor made house calls throughout the experience, insisting she would be fine everytime she would ask if she was dying.

That's when she decided there were more things to life than sitting in doors and watching television. She had been graced with an imagination, and she put it to use when she had nothing better to do. When she got better, she forced Dante to play some ridiculous game where she was the princess and he was her prince. No matter what rule change she made or what she decided would happen, he would play along.

In a way, Dante was still her prince.

"Looking at shapes probably is more entertaining than watching TV," Rian nodded, "But I'd prefer playing music."

"Instruments are hard to play. You have to learn to read all those stupid dots on a page and learn technique," she glanced at the present on the table, "Is that for me?"

"No, it's for the other Lolita Anderson staying in the hospital."

"She stole my name," Lolita whined.

"You going to go fight her?"

"No," she chirped. "I'm going to draw her a picture of a flower because I can't go outside and pick real flowers."

"You're too adorable."

Her stomach twisted at the compliment, butterflies making the space in there a playground. She didn't let it upset her chirpy appearance.

"Thank you. Now, can I open the present?"

"I wanted to ask you something first."

"Okay, but do it quick. That present can't stay wrapped much longer or it'll explode."

"I'm guessing you use that on Christmas day to get your daddy to get up."

"It always works."

"I'm sure."

"So, what did you want to ask?"

Nervous smile gracing his features, Rian leaned forward in his chair and took hold of one of Lolita's IV-injected hands. She watched him while he carefully laced their fingers together.

Oh, she knew where this was going

"I was wondering," Rian started, "if you'd like to go out with me once you get out of here. We could go bowling or something."

"Like a date?"

"Yeah. I was thinking about going out to eat, but I figured you wouldn't like sitting still for a long period of time. I'm sure you'd be able to eat at the bowling alley. The food may be a tad greasier than normal fast-food, but I don't think you'd be too bad off eating it once."

Well, Lolita had the perfect moment to talk with Rian. But she didn't want to have to turn him down when having this talk with him. She wanted to be able to talk about it up before he asked, that way they would be clear on why Lolita couldn't date him even through she really liked him.

Apparently, things weren't going to go that way.

"I don't know what to say."

"A 'yes' would be a nice start."

"Rian," she hesitated, "I can't."

A frown set on Rian's face, stealing away the beautiful smile Lolita love. She nearly died knowing she was the one to cause him unhappiness. That's not how this was supposed to happen.

"Oh."

"It's not that I don't like you."

"You don't have to explain."

"No, I do. Rian, I like you a lot. And I would love to go on a date with you if I could, but I can't."

"Why can't you?"

"Because I can't do this to you."

"Do what?"

"Ruin your life like this."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look at where I am right now. In a hospital. This isn't the first time I've had an extended stay in the hospital, and it won't be the last."

"What does that have to do with us?"

"If we were together, you would be sucked into this world, too. We wouldn't be a normal couple. You'd be checking on me to make sure I'm not sick and staying with me while I'm in the hospital. Some of our dates would get cancelled because I wouldn't be feeling well enough to leave the house."

"Like Jack and Arpeggio's relationship?"

"No, it's not the same. I'm going to die young, Rian. Probably long before you do." Tears gathered in her eyes. "I know you were hurt when Kara broke up with you, but it hurts worse when someone you love dies. I can't do that to you. You deserve so much more."

The tears were upsetting her vision. She tried to blink them away. The attempt was useless.

"Just because you're sick doesn't mean you're not deserving of love."

"Yes, it does." Tears dripped down her cheeks. "How can I be with someone if I know I'm going to die? That's not fair to them. I can't expect them to accept that they'll only have me around for a few years."

"Lolita," Rian sighed. He stood from his chair, sat on her bed next to her, and pulled her into his arms. "Stop crying. It's going to be okay."

Her tears didn't let up, only increased. She rubbed her face against Rian's sweater, staining the fabric with salty liquid.

"It's not. Daddy had to lose mom to HIV. He had to watch her die. Do you know how much he loved her? He hasn't even been able to look at another woman since she died. He has her picture next to his bed. Every night, he tells her how Dante and I are doing, and how his day was, and how much he misses her. Rian, he talks to a picture of my dead mother at night, hoping that she can hear him where she is, and hoping that when he dies, he'll be able to be with her again. I can't let someone else go through that because of me."

"Your dad loved your mom enough to stay with her while she had HIV and didn't give up on her. You don't want that for yourself?"

"I can't have that."

"That's ridiculous."

"You don't understand."

"I do understand."

"Then, you wouldn't think it's ridiculous."

"I don't think your reasoning is ridiculous. You're scared, I get that. But I don't understand why you would let that stand in the way of a relationship when someone wants to be able to love you the way your dad did your mom."

"No one wants to be able love me that way."

"I do."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

Maybe Rian could be her prince, too.

She wasn't sure how she felt about that.