Not Afraid to Die

"I can't feel my toes," Lolita said, staring at her tennis shoe covered feet.

Dante glanced at her while putting his car in park, one eyebrow raised. The new pain medication must have been taking effect. She had popped the pills the second the doctor gave them to her, no drink or food to help ease them down her throat. Just raw, white pill scraping down her esophagus.

"Did I even leave the hospital with toes?" she continued.

Dante simply shook his head at the oddity that was his sister. Lolita took a large sip of the fast food drink cup in her hand, choking as the liquid struggled to rush down her throat properly. Air rushed into her lungs once the soda formed a single file line to her stomach.

"I could have drowned just now," she exclaimed, eyes wide.

"Of course you could have, "Dante said, no concern coating his voice, "Get out of the car."

Lolita took another sip of her drink, head darting to the side to view out the window. A wide smile spread on her face at the sight of the relatively familiar lawn. The basketball goal near the driveway, the light blue shutters and white door, neatly trimmed lawn.

Neon's house. The confident lead singer of RxN. The one who did what she wanted in life regardless of what other people said. Lolita liked her, despite the anorexia bought the pink-haired woman had gone through. She was strong after losing both parents and having to grow up far faster than necessary in order to take care of her younger sibling.

From what she heard, a lot had changed in the past couple years.

Lolita darted her head back to Dante, struggling to rip her seat belt off with one hand, "Let's go. Let's go. Let's go."

There was a reason Lolita was never given soda. In order to stay alive with HIV, she needed to avoid the caffeinated beverages. Their father, however, would cave occasionally and allow her to drink a soda. When she did, dear God, Dante wanted to rip his hair out. He loved her, he did. Love for his sister overpowered his heart. But he could only handle so much. She wasn't getting any caffeine while staying at his house. He already decided that. It didn't matter how hard she tried to pull that puppy-dog pout crap.

And Dante knew he would cave the second she jutted her bottom lip out.

"Hold on," Dante said, leaning over and undoing her seatbelt for her.

The car door proved to open a fair deal easier than the seat belt buckle. Lolita was out of the car within seconds of detangling herself from the seat belt. Hopping on the balls of her feet, she waited for her older sibling to get out of the car, drink cup clutched tight in her hands.

"Hurry up," Lolita whined.

She couldn't go into Neon's house by herself. Dante had to be there. Not because she was nervous. Lolita didn't get nervous. Her life was threatened daily by a virus. There was no reason to be nervous about anything. But she wasn't sure if the members of RxN would remember her. It had been awhile. Over two years since she last saw them. She wasn't around to force herself into their memory constantly. Her appearance had changed a great deal since she last said goodbye to them in the airport before they left for the To Write Love On Her Arms benefit concert. She used to be painfully thin, caused by a mix of her medications and the virus. Eating was almost as painful as math at times. She had her natural hair color at the time, a rich brown, and her height was definitely lacking.

Thanks to the food the nutritionist recommended, her body grew to a healthy weight, which was necessary for her to offset her drop into AIDS as long as possible. Though eating was still difficult, she sucked it up and ate. Increase in food had helped her height. She was almost as tall as Dante now, maybe a few inches shorter. A black and dark pink combination adorned her hair instead of her natural brown, courtesy of mild pouting and talking circles around her father. Physically, she was different.

Her personality, however, hadn't changed much, if at all.

Dante slowly walked up to his hopping sister, not nearly as excited for this band meeting as she was.

"Let's go," Dante said, nodding toward the house.

The pair followed the sidewalk to the front door of the house. Without knocking, Dante opened the unlocked door and let himself in, Lolita hot on his trail. Gingerbread seemed to dance around Lolita's nose the moment they entered the house. Blinking strings of lights adorning the hallway and festive lawn pieces placed by the door prepared to be put outside reminded her what season it was.

Christmas. One of her favorite holidays. She liked them all, but Christmas was always special to her. Not only because her older brother's birthday was on the very day, but because her family would sit around the living room after opening presents and tell stories about the mother that once took care of the household. Her father refused to allow the memory of her mother die in Dante's mind and forced the never present memories into Lolita's willing mind. Her mother was infected mere days before Christmas, so it only made sense to tell stories at that time, as well as on her mother's birthday. Lolita loved the time she spent with her family listening to their many tales.

Before Dante could reach the opening leading to the living room, where most of the band members attending the meeting would be seated, he turned to his younger sibling and placed a finger to his lips. Mimicking the action, Lolita placed a finger to her own lips.

She knew her older brother well enough to know he had something planned.

Her eyes followed Dante as he walked into sight of all those inhabiting the living room. A muddle of greetings met her ears.

"Dante, come sit," the rough voice of the eldest Lonsdale sibling hit Lolita's ear with comforting clarity.

"Before I do that, I—"

"Dante's pregnant," Dorian screeched, cutting off Dante's attempted statement, voice ringing in the air.

Dante's face fell. It took all of Lolita's energy not to burst into laughter at the sight of her now ticked off brother's face. Her memory wasn't so bad that she forgot how much Dorian seemed to fight with both guitarists of the band. In fact, she remembered a good deal of those arguments with clarity.

"Shut up," Dante commanded.

"I don't know how to do that," Dorian replied.

"Obviously," Lestat grumbled.

"Don't make me shove this candy cane so far up your—"

"Baby, go find Rainbow," Joseph's authoritative tone cut through the conversation.

"Okay," Dorian exclaimed.

Lolita couldn't hear a body remove itself from the couch, nor did she hear any loud, haphazardly placed footsteps that were normally associated with the bassist. No noise indicated Dorian's movements. But she did see her brother's irritated expression morph into something far more frantic.

"Dorian, wait," Dante said, putting his hands out in front of him to ward off whatever oncoming threat was on its way.

Her older brother's body was shoved out of the way, followed by Dorian prancing into the hallway. His sparkling brown eyes landed on Lolita immediately. Eyebrows drawing together, dazzling smile dropping from his face, Dorian halted all movements.

"What's wrong, baby," Joseph asked.

Instead of answering the man Lolita assumed was still his boyfriend, Dorian continued staring at her. Questions ran through his brown depths as they searched her face for some form of recognition. Dorian pointed to her, opening and closing his mouth once. Lolita flashed a smile, wiggling her fingers in greeting. Realization flooded Dorian's face. Without warning, he screeched and rushed toward her, scooping her into his arms. He jumped around, Lolita releasing tiny grunts each time her rib cage hit his shoulder. She managed to keep her soda up right throughout the experience, unwilling to let the contents of the drink fall to the floor. Dorian placed her back on her feet, hands gripping her shoulders, toothy smile taking over his face.

"Lollipop, you grew up," Dorian exclaimed, "I barely even recognize you."

"Lollipop?" a voice she didn't recognize floated through the air.

Well, she did recognize it but not because she had met the male speaking. That clearly wasn't the case otherwise she would have been able to put a name to the voice. But she had heard it somewhere. She just couldn't place it.

"You have to meet everyone," Dorian chirped.

"I was getting there before your queer ass shoved me out of the way," Dante grumbled.

"Hush your mouth, half gay," Dorian returned, while tugging Lolita to the entrance of the living room.

Lolita stood in the entrance, not self-conscious in the least, eyes glancing over the confused faces of the large group inhabiting the room. Four males that she didn't recognize as members of RxN were mixed in with the band. She knew who they were and she knew now where she heard that voice before. For months, she listened to that voice, learning each lyric that it produced with miraculous feeling. Each drum beat, guitar melody, and bass line had been ingrained into her memory from her constant use of the CD. They were the one band she adored almost as much as RxN.

All Time Low.