One Last Breath

Skylar

I felt completely ragged and worn as I lay in the too familiar hospital bed of the hospice. My whole entire body felt dense with the weight of dead limbs, and I knew that this had been the worse I ever felt when dealing with this disease. For some reason, my breathing wasn’t right when I tried to do it on my own, so I needed an oxygen mask at all times, so I had a permanent indent from the plastic on my face. Noah always made fun of me for being so vain, but unless I wanted to focus on my body as it died on me, he was going to have to live with my vainness.

I turned my head to the side to the bed next to mine and really wished that Julia could be here with me. She always told me that when I was this far along, she’d push her bed next to mine—no matter hell she might get from the doctors—and just hold my hand while we talked. She said she would talk and talk until the heart monitor told her I was gone. Even after that, Julia said she’d just keep blabbering to me until they put me in my grave.

At that time, that had made me laugh, and I still found it funny. My smile was weak, because my whole body was weak, but the small laugh made up for it. I really missed Julia and I really wanted her to fulfill the promise she had made me. It sounded so selfish, but didn’t I have that right?

No, I didn’t. I just finally understood what it meant to be this close to death and I wasn’t as ready for it as I thought I would be. I had always reacted calmly to everything, rolling with the punches. Yet, here I was, so close to death and knowing I was getting closer, and I was freaking out. Why couldn’t I be strong? Why couldn’t I just die the way I wanted to, without really feeling it?

Because I was human, I answered myself. If you didn’t feel anything, especially when your time was up, you weren’t really human, were you? You could act like a robot all you wanted through the hard times, but when the darkness of death begins to close around you, you feel human emotions. You argue, you get angry, you sob, you curse, you negotiate, you do everything possible to try and postpone your death until your lifeless eyes close.

I closed my heavy eyes, letting the shadows and sleep consume me until my breath was steady, with the aid of oxygen, as I slept.

Noah

The coffee that had once been steaming in my hand had long ago grown cold, though I guess it didn’t matter since I hadn’t taken a single sip since a nice nurse had poured it for me.

I sat in the doctor’s lounge, back hunched, as I tried to relax somewhat as I waited for test results. Skylar had been here for two days now, and in those two days, I hadn’t gotten any sleep. I was too busy running around preparing things for her as her progress worsened, or holding her hand while she slept. I wanted to sleep, I really did, but I couldn’t. In the back on my mind, there was this nagging voice telling me that if I closed my eyes and slept, I would miss everything. She would need me and I wouldn’t be there. She would call out for another doctor’s help as she slowly started to die. And I wouldn’t be there for her.

“Noah, is that you?”

Hearing the voice break the silence made me start and I spilled some of the cold coffee on my knees, creating a stain. I quietly cursed for a moment before turning around to see who had called out to me. Nicole stood at the doorway, her face looking sympathetic and sad. I gave her a weak smile.

“Yeah, sorry, is there something you needed?”

“I came here to tell you that Skylar’s parents are here, so you can brief them on what’s going on.”

I nodded and let out a heavy sigh, pulling at my hair so it didn’t look so messed up and stood up. I threw the coffee in the trash, about to leave the room, but the older doctor was blocking my way.

“You look horrible Noah.”

I laughed at that and smiled. “Yeah, I know. I haven’t slept in a while. I’m just so concerned and busy I can’t find the time.”

“You love her, you can’t help but be concerned,” she said.

“Well, yes, but—wait, what did you say?”

A sly smile came to the woman’s face and she gave me her version of a smirk. “You didn’t think you both could hide it from me did you? I’m old; I know when people are sharing those secret glances at one another.”

“And I thought we were being sneaky,” I told her with a smile in my voice, “You knew and you didn’t say anything?”

“Skylar has had this disease since she was a kid, and she’s been in this place for a long time. So long that the doctors just started to give up on her. You expect anything good to happen in this place? Then you came along and dedicated everything to keep her happy and healthy. You were probably her first love, if it’s going to be her only one, why would I ruin it by telling anyone?”

I reached down and gave Nicole and tight hug that she deserved. Anyone finding out had been a worry from the start, but hearing that it could be approved of made it easier for me to relax. I could feel Nicole smiling against me as she hugged me back.

“Now comes the hard part. Go tell her parents what is going on and stay by her side. You need her just as much as she needs you.”

I nodded at her, taking her advice as I left the room. I wasn’t very excited about telling Skylar’s parents that she was dying even faster, but it had to happen and it would make us all feel a little better, even though we’d be sad as well.

I approached the room and opened the door quietly, looking in and seeing that the man and woman were watching Skylar as she slept. It wouldn’t have been that sad of a sight for a parent if she wasn’t hooked up to an oxygen tank.

The adults heard me come in and turned their heads, giving me small smiles. “Hello Noah.”

“Hi guys. I’m sorry you both have to be here.”

“We are too,” Mr. Arkin sighed, looking back down at his daughter.

“What is going on with her?”

I got straight to the point. “The deterioration is accelerating, so it’s no longer safe to take her back to the house. She needs to be under constant watch here in the hospice. Both her arms and lungs are wearing down at the same time. We just performed some tests to see if it is going to go to her heart. If not, it’s great news because she’ll last longer. Either way… we aren’t giving her much time.”

I heard a soft sob leave Ms. White’s mouth and watched as her ex-husband went to comfort her. Instead of hiding in his embrace, however, she stood up tall and turned her sad eyes to her sleeping daughter.

“We always knew this day would come,” her watery voice spoke, reaching my ears. The woman turned to me, and I saw fat tears falling down her cheeks. “How can we still not be ready?”

It was Mr. Arkin’s turn to cry and I tried my hardest not to follow their example, because I needed to be strong; for them, for me, and for Skylar.

“I don’t think everyone is ever really ready for this time in a loved one’s life.”

“What are we supposed to do now?” Skylar’s father asked me, his voice stronger than mine had been, even though he was crying.

So I told them what I told Skylar when Julia died. “You live. You live for Skylar and the life she’s losing.”