One Last Breath

Noah

“Why don’t you like it?”

“It’s not the right color!”

I gaped at the blonde in the bed, the one who was trying to look all innocent. “What are you talking about? You were the one that said you wanted it to be blue.”

She crossed her arms over her chest like a child, even pouting to give the full effect. “Yes, but I thought that it would be bluer than this, like a nice periwinkle or even—“

“Sky blue?” I questioned, teasing her about her unwanted nickname. In an instant, the woman turned that cute look into something that made me believe that looks could kill, but before she could say anything on my comment, the door to her room opened.

Skylar’s face softened when she saw Dr. Mutter walk through, his hair looking frazzled. She gave him a gentle smile and he returned it, though I could tell it was a little stiff around the sides, and it didn’t reach his eyes. His wise eyes seemed sad. I could see through him so easily; and by the way that Skylar grabbed my hand and held it tight, I was betting that she could too.

“What can we do for you Dr. Mutter?” I asked, hoping that the news he was going to be giving us wasn’t that bad. However, when his face went even grimmer, I knew that that hope had been dashed.

“Sit down Noah; the three of us need to have a talk about the situation Skylar is in.”

Skylar turned her head my way, and although she was being strong and calm on the outside, I could see how panicked she was on the inside. The blue of her eyes, no matter how beautiful, could never hide that kind of fear.

“What kind of things?” I continued on after I had sat down in my chair next to my patient.

“I’ve just been overlooking her charts,” he started off, “not looking for faults in your work, but just checking in on her because I’ve been so busy, I couldn’t even see my favorite patient—“

“You’re stalling, David,” Skylar said softly, using the older man’s first name. That seemed like some kind of physical blow to him with the way he reacted, but he nodded his head in agreement.

“You’re right, I am. I just don’t want to jump into it.” He let out a sigh and started over.

“I’ve seen the progression; knowing Skylar’s condition, I’ve made predictions on her life span and I told her parents. I told them about the up and coming organ failures and what will happen to her, how she’ll have to be on every kind of life support if she wants to last longer than a week, and they said that they would do anything.”

“That whole process painful and being like that is a state of pain all together, they can’t possibly want that for their daughter,” I voiced, almost disgusted that Skylar’s parents had so openly agreed. Mutter nodded his head like he had the same thought.

“They think that pain is better than being dead.”

“I don’t want that,” Skylar said, talking for the first time after getting a moment or two to think about it.

“I didn’t think you would Skylar, which is why I came to tell you,” Dr. Mutter said, letting out another sigh, “normally, the people who pay for your treatment get to decide what is going on, but this is your life Skylar. They don’t understand the pain you’re going through. The pain you have been through. They can only imagine. And if you don’t want what they do, I’m not going to let you lay there in agony while I just watch. I’d rather you die tomorrow than have that.”

I went to give a glare at the older man, not at all liking the way he had addressed the situation, but Skylar just let out a little chuckle.

“Thank you Dr. Mutter. You’ve been like a father to me through this whole thing and I know you’ve only wanted what was best for me,” she said, her voice so soft and gentle, “thank you.”

The doctor gave her a smile, a real one this time, and started for the door. “You’re welcome Skylar. This hospital will miss you.”

He left on that note with just the two of us in the room. The heavy wooden door clicked shut and sealed this room like it was a vacuum, consuming us in a silence. My fingers absentmindedly stroked against Skylar’s hands, soothing her I hoped. I didn’t want to look at her but knew I had to. If I was scared to see the emotion on her face, she must have been petrified. This was her life we were talking about.

So I turned to look at her and regretted it almost immediately. I had to admit that Skylar was quiet; I hadn’t even heard her when she started to cry.

“Skylar,” I whispered, feeling my own tears come to my eyes.

“I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am,” she hiccupped, wiping at her eyes to get rid of the tears, but more just took their place. “We’re still talking about my death.”

I tightened my hold on the blonde’s hand and pressed to my mouth, letting her feel the tears as they fell from my eyes as well; to let her know that I was hurting too.

Skylar

Dr. Mutter had been right; I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to live as long as I could, but not if I couldn’t do it mostly on my own. I was already having help breathing, and that was bad enough, but I wasn’t in pain. There would be a lot of surgeries involved in keeping me alive for longer than a week, and I don’t think I could handle that.

However, just because I didn’t want to live like that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t going to be scared. I was going to be gone, dead, no longer living. There would be no more mom and dad to talk to, no more Anthony to tease, and no more Noah to kiss.

Those thoughts made a sob force its way out. How could I ever have thought that I was ready for death? How stupid could I be? It wasn’t supposed to end like this. I was supposed to be old, wrinkling and fulfilled when I died. I wasn’t supposed to be barely twenty and lying in a bed like a vegetable. I hadn’t done half the things that I wanted to. What about my dreams, didn’t they mean anything at all? I hadn’t even gotten the chance to get married, or have the hoard of kids that I had wanted.

Noah’s hands, which were bunched around mine, convulsed as he tried to hide his emotions. I knew he was thinking that he was a doctor, that he wasn’t supposed to be this emotionally attached, so he was trying to stop; but I took comfort in the fact that I had his hand in mine, and that he was crying just as hard as I was for this loss. The loss of my life.

We might have cried like that forever if my breathing hadn’t changed. I had been so involved in my thoughts—my dying thoughts—that I hadn’t even thought about how my body was functioning. The sobs that had racked my body had done damage to my already self-deprecating lungs, causing breathing to be a little harder.

Noah looked up when he heard the change in my breathing and took my shoulders in his hands, forcing me to look at him. He looked a little fuzzy in my vision, but he still looked worried, even through the redness and tears in his eyes.

“Skylar, you need to calm down. God, please calm down or you’re going to make your condition worse.”

It was very unprofessional of him to put it that way—saying it could make it worse could scare the patient into freaking out more—but I did calm down, because I could still think and control myself. And damn it, as long as I could control my body I was going to fight until I finally ended up losing.

“Skylar, I love you so much. I’m sorry I can’t be your emotional rock right now, because God, does this hurt, but I just want you to know that I love you. I don’t want you to leave me without knowing that.”

I pulled the man down to me, not caring when he pulled at the breathing tube, and hugged him like I never would again, because I might not. I held onto him like he was the last thing in this world I had left. I held onto him like he was my life line.

“I always knew. I could never forget. I will never forget any moment with you. Not even death can make me forget. I love you Noah.”