Leaving You Behind

Frank's POV

When I next open me eyes, the room is brightly lit. I roll over and search for Gerard in the bed. He's not there. I can here the clatter of pots and pans downstairs. I lay in bed for a while longer before deciding to get up. I sit at the edge of the bed for a moment. Last night's feelings have definately disappeared. Today I feel sluggish and just generally unwell. The sinking feeling in my stomach just reminds me of how much Gerard is suffering.

I fumble with the drawer on my bedside table and get out my pills. I make my way to the bathroom with the pills in hand. I swallow them with some water from the tap. I use the toilet, wash my hands and then pick up some boxers from the floor and pull them on.

When I make my way to the kitchen I can smell Gerard's cooking. Eggs.

"Morning baby." Gerard turns around and greets me. I move towards him and snuggle into his bare chest.

"Not a good day?" He asks, gently.

I shake my head, feeling no words need to be used.

"It's okay. Would you like some juice or coffee?" He asks.

I move to the table and sit down facing him. I hold up one finger.

"Okay. Juice it is." He smiles once more.

All I can think is: He must be in so much emotional pain.

"Frankie? You there babe?" He asks, petting my hair soothingly.

I blink a few times and nod. My juice is sitting infront of me. I reach for it and take a sip.

"Breakfast is ready. Do you want toast?" He asks.

I nod my head. Soon my breakfast is put in front of me and I dig in hungrily. I take my first few mouthfuls and feel fine. I take another bite before my gag reflexes kick in and I'm hurling my guts up in the sink.

"Oh baby, it's okay. Just let it all out." Gerard is with me, holding my hair and rubbing my back.

All I can think is: I've got to do it today.

Gerard leads me away from the kitchen and into our bathroom. He run's the shower and puts me in it. I sit in the bottom of it, curled into a ball, too tired to stand or move.
Gerard returns after a while, and crawls in with me. He sits me up and holds me close.

"I called you mom. I don't want you alone today." He whispers.

I just nod.

Gerard gets the shampoo and washes my hair before rinsing it off then grabs the bodywash and massages into my skin. rubbing me clean and trying to relax me. He lets the water pour over us, rinsing me clean. He turns the water off and gets out. He dries himself before helping me out and drying me off. He puts me into bed and kisses my cheek before getting dressed. I hear the doorbell ring and Gerard leaves to get it.

I hear him greet my mom, they both sound worried. Even I'll admit, it's been a while since I've felt this bad.

"He's just mute...too tired to move...scared for him...the night terrors are getting worse...he's naked in bed..." I hear only snippets of their conversation.

Even though my eyes are closed, I am not asleep. I hear someone enter the room.

"Frankie?" It's my mom.

I open my eyes and look at her.

"Oh, baby..." she trails off.

I must have a look of complete pain on my face. She kneels down and pets the side of my face soothingly.

"Baby, sleep, just sleep." She whispers.

I close my eyes at her touch and feel myself drift off. I feel exhausted. I am not quite into unconsiousness, but rather inbetween worlds. I am relaxed and peaceful. Nothing is a struggle. I can't hear anything and no thoughts are running through my head. Everything about me is perfectly calm.

I must of entered deep sleep, because the next thing I know, I am screaming and being shaken awake.

"GERARD!" I scream, opening my eyes in a panic.

I sit up and glance around the room, my eyes imediately find my mother crouching by my side of the bed.

"Frankie, sweety please say something." She whispers.

The room is still, quiet. Nothing moves. I don't move and mom doesn't move. All that is heard is my frantic heartbeat. I grab my mom's hand and place it over my heart. She feels my fear, my panic. It starts to return to a normal pace.

"I think I might call Gerard. I don't know how to do this anymore." She admits.

I don't blame her, I've been fighting this for most of my teenage and adult years and since I moved out, Gerard changed how to deal with it. She closes the door and I know I only have a brief timeframe to do this.
I crawl out of bed and go over to Gerard's desk. I grab a piece of paper and a pen. I sit down and write.

Gerard,
I've got to escape this.
I am not at peace and probably
never will be.
You have put up with it for all these years
But I can't fight it anymore.
Just know that I love you, and
I will rest peacefully tonight and for the rest of
eternity.
Until We meet again,
Frankie xo.

I take the note and go to the closet. I dig out the noose and hang it from the railing in the closet. I am short enough that when I jump from the box I'll affixiate.
I take the noose and tighten it around my neck. I kick the box from under me. I am interupted by mom walking back into the room she is still on the phone. She looks to me and screams. She drops the phone and runs to me.

The darkness seeps into my vision and I pass out, hopefully she was too late. I hope she was too late.

My eye's flutter open and all I see is white. Hospital white. I try to move my hand to rub my eyes but find that they only go so far. I look down and notice I'm chained to railings. I am in a bed.

All I can think is: Shit, I failed.

"Frankie!" Gerard enters my room and cries. He rushes over to me and jumps on my bed. He grips me tightly.

"Don't ever do that again! I thought I had lost you! I am so mad right now but I love you so much." He wails.

"You're lucky that you're not going to a looney bin." He states getting off me.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused. I thought I was already there.

"They restrained you so you wouldn't fall out of the bed. Those night terrors must be getting worse than I thought." He says softly. rubbing my hand.

"When can I go home?" I ask.

"Soon, you're awake now so the doctor should be here soon to discharge you." He replies.

Gerard looks at me with so much love, I know I scared him, but he's just so damn happy I am alive.

"They have changed your medication. They've decided to give you anti psychotics as well as a new anti depressant." He speaks once more.

A few hours later and I am curled up with Gerard in my own bed. He's rubbing my back. I don't know why he's still with me. I suddenly think of something. I will have to wait until tonight to find out whether I still have some or not. I can't be too sure, but if it's still there, it'll be enough to do the job.

"Do you want something to eat baby?" Gerard asks.

"Yes please. I am actually really hungry." I reply. My stomach grumbles as if to prove the point.

"Come on then." He replies, getting up.

I get up and follow him into the kitchen. I go to look in the fridge. There is juice and yoghurt and fruit. Yummy.
We decide to chop up fruit and eat it with yoghurt. It tastes mighty good. I smile at Gerard. He smiles back.

"And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you,
I dont wanna talk about it..."

It's random and we both laugh at the irony of it. For the rest of the day we sit and watch movies and eat popcorn that Gerard randomly found in the pantry.

It's late when we both go to bed. Gerard is so exhausted that he falls asleep almost instantly. When I know that he is definately asleep, I get out of bed and head to my office. I go to the bottom drawer of my desk and unlock it. Right at the back is a little jewellery box. it's empty except for a little bad of pure white powder.

I stare at it for a while before deciding to do it in the kitchen. I go to the kitchen and lay out three lines of it. I grab my wallet and pull out a dollar bill. I role it up and sniff up all the white powder. It's all over in a matter of minutes. I quickly wipe down the bench and go back to bed.

I can feel it start to work. My body temperature drops as my heart rate slows. I manage to crawl into bed before passing out. For the first time in ten years I rest peacefully.

The grave stone reads:
Frank Iero
31-10-1981 - 10-09-2004
Never forgotten.