It Takes More

While Zack started tracking bass on the first few songs, Jack, Rian and I watched from the sofa set in the studio while Alex sat in a corner by himself. Headphones in his ears, he didn’t pay attention to anything going on around him as he furiously wrote in the notebook in his lap.

“That was good. Let’s try the bridge,” the producer, whose name I hadn’t bothered to remember, commented when after playing back the bit that Zack had just played.

“Man, I’m starving!” Jack whined from beside me. “And this is so boring!”

“Suck it up man,” Zack shot across the room before he started playing again.

“I could use something to eat, too,” Rian added, quieter than Jack.

“I could go on a food run,” I offered. Honestly, I didn’t want to run their errands, but I needed the fresh air. I needed to get out of the too small enclosure. I wrote down what everyone wanted from the closest fast food establishment—a Chipotle on the corner. “Alex,” I called as I stood in front of the singer. When he popped out an ear bud, eyebrows furrowed, I continued, “What do you want from Chipotle?”

“Oh, um. I don’t know. I’m not really hungry.”

“Okay. Suit yourself.” Turning to the remainder of boys left in the room, I waved shortly, “I’ll be back soon.”



Twenty minutes latter, I made my way back into the studio, my hands barely able to maintain their grasp on the four bags filled with food. Despite the fact that I thought I would drop one—or more—of the bags at any moment, I paused at the door to the studio. I could see the guys sitting in a semi-circle, listening as Alex played something on his acoustic guitar. I listened intently, hearing the soft hum of his voice drift under the hardwood door.

“—How was I supposed to know, that you we over me? I think I should go. Something’s telling me to leave, but I won’t. Because, I’m damned if I do you, damned if I don’t.

“Make a fool of myself when you hang around. When you’re gone, I’m a match thats burning out. I could have been, should have done, what I said I was going to do. But I never promised you.

“Oh, how was I supposed to know, that you were—” Alex stopped singing when I flung the door open.

Pretending I hadn’t heard a word that had been sung, I set the bags of food on the table in the corner. “I have arrived!” I declared. “And I come bearing gifts.

“Sweet!” Jack exclaimed, immediately jumping from his seat, the others soon following.

“I know you said you weren’t hungry,” I started, looking at Alex. “But I bought extra just in case.”

“Th-thanks,” he stuttered, not making eye contact.

“So, you guys make any progress while I was gone?” I asked in a pseudo joking manner, hoping they wouldn’t catch on that I had been listening at the door.

“Yeah, Zack finished the first song. We were kind of taking a break before he starts the next one,” Rian answered.

“Which song are you doing next?” I asked. Jack had played me a few demo versions of the songs they were hoping to put on the album, but I wasn’t interested in those at the moment. I wanted to know if the new song, one I hadn’t heard before, was going to make the cut.

“Probably Sick Little Games,” Jack got out between a burrito filled mouth.

I nodded, pretending to still be interested, my thoughts not once leaving the speechless singer in my peripheral vision.



“Alex, can I talk to you?” I asked as my hand rested on his arm, hoping he would stay behind as the rest of the guys filed into Zack and Rian’s hotel room.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” He pulled his key from his wallet, sliding it in the lock before holding the door open for me. “What’s up?” he asked nonchalantly as he followed me into the room.

“I wanted to talk to you about what happened back in L.A.” I started, my voice timid as I gauged his expression.

He was silent for a moment before his blank face turned to meet mine. “What about it?”

“I’m sorry for those things I said.”

“Why? You meant them didn’t you?” he asked, his careful mask slipping slightly.

“Um, well. Not completely,” I conceded. He waited, his eyes roaming my face. Steeling myself, I stood straighter as I called on all the confidence I could muster. “I didn’t mean for that night to happen.”

I watched as his eyes sparked, his mask slowly fading, allowing a pain I had never seen from him to appear. “No, that didn’t come out right,” I corrected myself, backtracking. “I meant, I didn’t mean for it to happen the way it did. Alex, I lied when I said I didn’t love you anymore. Somehow, I still do.”

“What about that boyfriend of yours?” he asked, acid seeping into his tone.

“Asher and I—” I started, searching for the right words. “We’re just friends now. Well, not completely, but we will be.”

“Did he break up with you? Because of me?” I couldn’t tell if he was pleased with the prospect or not.

“Yes. And no. I think he broke up with me because I had never been completely honest with him. But how could I, when I was never completely honest with myself?” I trailed off thoughtfully. As silence surrounded us, I watched Alex’s confused expression. I watched the emotions in his eyes flash and change. I couldn’t put my finger on any given emotion before it turned into something else.

“But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about,” I began again, taking a deep breath. “I know I screwed up, when I said those things. But I was thinking—hoping really—that I could apologize. I understand if you don’t forgive me, or if you don’t even believe me. But I needed to—”

“Lee,” he interrupted. “What are you trying to say?”

I met his gaze, holding it as I collected my thoughts once more. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I still love you. And even though I know its probably a moot point now, I would like for us to get back to what we once were. Like high school, maybe.” I trailed off, everything I had meant to say in the open.

“Elena.” I sighed. Alex only used my full name when he was angry, sad, or frustrated, or a combination of the three. “I can’t.”

At first I didn’t know if I had heard him correctly. Then I didn’t understand what he had said. Finally, the two words sunk in. I can’t.