She Keeps the Sun

I was a skeptic to the fullest. I had a hard time seeing the good in people, the world, anything, and I knew this would get me in trouble some day. I just didn’t think it would hurt this badly.

I think the problem was that Kennedy was the complete opposite; not only was he an optimist, but he was a dreamer. I guess when you make plans at a young age to join a band that will be a success, you have to be a dreamer. You have to believe that everything will work out, or it never will.

We were such drastic polar opposites, which I guess is why we were destined to never work out, right from day one. I wish I had a reason for why we tried anyways, but I don’t. I guess the old saying is true, that you can’t help who you fall in love with.

Or in my case, who falls in love with you and then in turn drags you down with them.

Thinking back on when I first met Kennedy, I liked to convince myself that I really let my true colors shine. I liked to tell myself that from day one, Kennedy knew what he was getting himself into. Maybe that wasn’t really the case, but if you tell yourself something enough it becomes the truth, at least in your own eyes. I thought I let him know from day one that I didn’t want to be tied down to Arizona, that I wanted to get out as soon as humanly possible.

He just didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t stay in Arizona, and that killed him. It killed us, if I’m being honest. It was like Kennedy didn’t understand me, even after all of these years.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded with me.

I just shook it off as I glanced down at the red cup in my hands, the red cup I was holding while Kennedy and I stood outside at the going-away party being held in my honor. “You realize that’s impossible, right?” I murmured, bringing the plastic up to my lips while I sipped from it slowly.

“Nothing’s impossible,” he grumbled. It made me sad, because it wasn’t like we didn’t know this was coming. I had taken a year off after graduation, but I was nineteen now, verging on twenty, and tomorrow I would be getting on a plane to go to art school in Seattle.

I sighed, and suddenly I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I blinked rapidly, trying to rid the tears away. “You knew this day was coming, Kenny. It’s not like I was going to stay in Arizona forever, waiting around dutifully for you to return after every time you left.”

He sighed too and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my shoulders while I burrowed me face in his chest, inhaling his scent. “Just because I knew you would leave eventually, doesn’t mean I was going to be okay with it Kete.”

I pulled away from his embrace, even though I didn’t want to which was bad in itself. I was never supposed to get attached to Kennedy. I adamantly told him over and over again that I never wanted a relationship. But he was persistent, and I guess after knowing each other for several years, things and feelings changed somewhere along the line. We never had a set-in-stone relationship, and that was perfectly fine by me.

I wrapped my arms around myself and chewed on my bottom lip, a terrible habit I had but couldn’t shake. “You don’t have to be okay with it Kennedy, you just have to let me do it.”

He sighed again and looked away. “You know I’d never make you stay here, Ketely. I’ve known since day one that you hated Arizona and that you wanted out as soon as possible. I just don’t want you leaving.”

I didn’t say anything as I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around Kennedy’s waist. I was probably 5’5” on a good day, and therefore I was well under Kennedy’s height. My head rested comfortably in the middle of his chest while I listened to his heart beating. He didn’t say a word as he rested his chin on top of my head and held me there.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but it was a long time.

Because even though I was sure that I wanted nothing to do with Kennedy, I still felt like he was mine. And as long as he would let me, I was going to stay in the comfort of his arms.

LAX was a busy place that Saturday morning. As I dragged my carry-on through the crowded areas of the airport, just trying to find my check-in counter, I almost regretted my decision to leave. The pang in my chest was almost unbearable as I handed the lady on the other side of the counter my boarding pass and driver’s license. I greeted her with a smile that she returned, but it was all a façade.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to leave, really. I wanted to get out of Arizona more than anything. It was more the fact that I was leaving Arizona and all of my friends behind to start new in a whole new state, a whole new city that I was completely unfamiliar with. It was more the fact that I was leaving Kennedy behind and I wasn’t sure when I would see him again.

I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to go to Seattle so I could continue my art career. I wasn’t like Kennedy, with connections galore so the whole band thing couldn’t fail unless they quit. I was a starving artist to the greatest degree, and I had to go to a city where I could not only further my abilities, but hopefully make the connections needed so I could one day be a successful artist.

As I stepped through security though, slipping my shoes off and walking through the scanner, I was also hit with a feeling of alone so intense, I almost started to cry.

This wasn’t me; I wasn’t the girl who got all broken up about leaving a guy behind. I wouldn’t let myself. I was stronger than that, especially when it came to Kennedy Brock. So as I walked towards where all the passengers who would be joining me on the flight to Seattle were sitting, I decided to push Kennedy out of my brain. I didn’t need him, I was sure of it.

”Good morning, everyone. We’ll be landing in Seattle, Washington in a short bit, where the weather is unfortunately dreary and a cool fifty-five degrees. The local time is 10:33. Thank you for flying with JetBlue, on behalf of myself and all of the attendants, we hope you had a wonderful flight, and enjoy your time in Seattle.”

The SEA-TAC airport was considerably less crowded than LAX, but still busy nonetheless. My time in it was limited though, luckily, considering I only had my carry-on with me since all of my other stuff was being shipped out to my dorm and would arrive later on in the week.

After hailing a taxi and informing him of the address to my residence hall, I sat back and enjoyed the view. The drive wasn’t very long, only a half hour or so, and before I knew it we were pulling up to the college and I was paying the taxi and climbing out.

The chill in the air was so unusual for me, seeing as I was used to Arizona heat all of the year, but it was also a nice change. I smiled as I walked towards the hall.

I found my dorm room without any trouble, but it was, not surprisingly, empty. I had been informed via email by my RA that the girl I was supposed to be rooming with dropped out, and it was too late in the year to find me a new roommate. I found nothing wrong with this though; it just meant I had a full room to myself.

I started to unpack the small amount of things I had immediately.

It didn’t take me long to find the surprise sitting in the pocket of my carry-on. I pulled the piece of paper out and saw my name written on it in a boy’s messy scrawl.

I smiled slightly as I unfolded it and read.

Ketely—

I don’t think you realize how much you mean to me. Not sure you ever did though, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Here’s the thing though, K. You mean a shit-load to me. No romantic way that I can put that. But it’s true. I love you Ketely, and I wish you would just let me.
You hold my sun in your pocket and you don’t even know it, despite how many times I have tried to tell you so over and over.
I’ve waited forever and a day for you, K, just so you’d realize that this was all true. I’m hoping you’ll realize it now that I’m spelling it out for you.
I’ll be waiting, like always.

Love, Kenny

I watched as the water dripping onto the paper smeared the words I was holding in my hands.

I didn’t even miss a beat as I dropped the paper and picked up my cell-phone. I had someone I had to talk to.

The SEA-TAC Airport was no less crowded than it was the morning before when I had arrived in it. That didn’t matter now though, because now I had a purpose for being there.

It took me longer to locate him than it should have, but I blamed that on my unfamiliar surroundings. When I found him, I took my time walking over to him, not wanting to seem too eager.

I tapped his shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear, “Hey stranger.”

He turned around and immediately engulfed me in a hug, kissing the top of my head like always. “I told you not to go,” he teased.

I just laughed and pulled away. “Now what Kenny? I mean, realistically, what are we going to do now?”

He sighed. “Always the skeptic,” he murmured, looking away from me.

“Always the dreamer,” I quipped. “So I’m guessing it’s happily ever after now, right? Because that always works so well.” I rolled my eyes for emphasis.

“Look K, I don’t know. Okay? I have no idea what's next, but I know I’m going to be with you when it comes, whatever next is.”

I sighed. “I was never kidding when I said I didn’t want a relationship though, Kenny. I’m just not good at those.”

“It takes two,” he said softly. “You’ve never even given me a chance, and clearly you want to or else we wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have flown all the way to Seattle to hear you tell me you can’t have a relationship with me. Right?”

He was challenging me. I could feel it.

I could also feel myself nodding. And then leaning in. And then kissing Kennedy on the lips.

It was so uncharacteristic of me; I didn’t get involved with guys because I wasn’t a relationship type person, but also because I was skeptical of the world. I didn’t think relationships lasted, so why bother?

But Kennedy was different. Kennedy had so much faith in me, and always had, and that wasn’t something I was used to.

Maybe that’s why I was kissing him in the airport. Maybe that’s why I was basically telling him I wanted to have a relationship with him. Because even though I wasn’t going to be around and he wasn’t either, it didn’t matter because he had waited this long for me, and he believed in me.

And maybe that was enough.