These Are the Fast Times

Victoria

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“If you feel it, you should be able to say it,” he points out reasonably. He’s pulling a shirt over his head as he says it. His hair is sticking up funny on the sides. I’d laugh if not for the conversation I’m trying to avoid. If he didn’t look so painfully serious right now.

“Do we have to have this conversation again?” I ask him from where I’m lounging on my bed. I’m fiddling with a video camera that won’t playback correctly. I pause to pick at a chipped nail.

“It’s not a conversation if you cut it off every time I bring it up,” he says, and since when has Jack started sounding so logical?

I glance up at him but he’s not looking at me.

It’s not that I don’t care about Jack. I really do.

I guess I’m just horrible at expressing it.

“Look, I’m going on tour soon. For three months,” he reminds me. Now he’s leaning against the side of my dresser and I’m still looking at the camera in my lap, wishing it could tell me what to say.

“I know…” I swallow uneasily.

He looks frustrated that I can’t say what he wants me to.

I’m just as frustrated with myself for not knowing.

“We’ve been together for over eight months. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” he demands, his voice a darker tone than half a minute ago. He finally looks at me.

“You know it does,” I retort, trying to save myself even though I know I’m a lost cause. “I don’t know why it’s such a big deal that-”

“That I’m the only one working at this?” he interrupts me and I look away again.

I don’t like to look at him when he’s mad.

The angry expressions don’t look like they belong on his face.

“I…”

“Maybe we should just take a break,” he states hollowly, and it feels like somebody punched me in the ribs. “Take some time to figure things out.” I set the video camera aside.

“Jack…” I protest, but nothing comes out of my mouth afterwards.

Because I know I deserve this.

He softens, coming over to hug me and kiss the top of my head. I breathe in his scent, memorizing it while I can, savoring the feel of his arms around me.

“Look, I love you. You know that,” he says against my hair. I close my eyes as I hug him back, biting my lip so maybe I won’t say what I know I’m going to next. I let go.

“I…maybe you’re right,” I swallow, even though I feel sick at the thought.

He looks surprised for a second at my agreement. His eyebrows furrow and his lips press themselves into a firm line.

“If that’s what you want,” he states quietly, not looking at me.

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” I state helplessly, and just as quietly. He backs away carefully.

“I don’t know, either,” he replies, picking up his hoodie from the floor.

He leaves.

“I’m sorry,” I say, to no one.

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I almost trip over Ryland’s amp cord that’s taped to the floor, but no one besides the guys notice.

I think.

Alex shoots me a confused look to my left.

I look out over the crowd to search for Jack’s head of dark, spiky hair before I remember he’s gone back to Maryland.

He left after our little discussion.

And I’m still not clear on who broke up with who.

I see Lila hanging around the merch table with Danny, looking as miserable as I feel on the inside.

She’s already told me what’s happened with Butcher. So at least I’ve had company in my moping around the apartment being miserable.

My heart skips a beat when I see Jack, but then it turns out it’s just some guy who has the same height and hair color as him.

I have to remind myself that he’s gone.