These Are the Fast Times

Victoria

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“This is stupid. It’s not going to work. I’m not doing it,” I grumble to Lila, following her onto the subway car. Luckily, we find seats and the cart isn’t even half full.

“Yes, you are. I’m going to work, and you’ll go meet Jack and tell him you love him, and it’ll be like those sappy movies Melly makes Michael watch with her. You know, like those scenes where they run through the airport?” she asks, almost deadpan. “I hope your shoes are comfortable.”

“I never said I love him,” I retort. She gives me this pitying look that makes me want to smack her.

“Right,” she replies sardonically, looking away from me and glancing at her phone.

And here I thought she’d understand why it’s so hard for me to admit.

Lila and I have always been the skeptics, so I expected her to get it.

“And you?” I demand, slightly annoyed.

“What about me?” she replies stiffly, shifting uncomfortably in her seat.

I don’t want to say it, but ever since Lila’s come back from Chicago, she’s been trying to convince me to try and get back with Jack just to avoid acknowledging her problems with Butcher. As if grad school and work aren’t already enough to keep us both preoccupied.

She didn’t even tell me the whole story of what happened in Chicago; I had to get that information from Melly.

“If I can admit I still lo-want Jack, you should be able to admit you still love Andy,” I state diplomatically.

“Of course I do,” she briskly states, fixing me with an unreadable gaze. “That doesn’t mean it’s enough to keep us together.” She looks away again and we fall silent for a few minutes, just listening to the train noises and other people’s conversations.

“Maybe you just didn’t have enough time to learn how to be a couple,” I offer, though who am I to give advice? “I mean, you’ve been best friends since you were kids. And then you barely had two months together before we had to leave for New York, you know?” I approach the subject carefully.

She stays quiet for another long while.

“This is my stop,” she announces, standing up before the doors slide open. “And Victoria?”

“Yeah?”

“Shove it. But good luck with Jack.”

I shake my head and can’t help but smile at her as she exits the train.

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My heart pounds in my ears while I scan the sparsely populated coffeehouse.

I start to feel self-conscious when I don’t see him and start to think maybe he’s stood me up, because that’s what I deserve.

But then I find him, and a different fear grabs me. He smiles slightly and waves me over.

I walk over to his table on shaky legs and sit across from him.

We make it through ten or fifteen minutes of small talk and all the while I’m thinking one thing.

We’re talking like old friends, which is the opposite of what I want.

It’s just three words. If I say them, maybe it’d change the course of the afternoon.

But I chicken out for the most part, and we go maybe half an hour without breaching the subject of our past relationship.

“I want to talk, but I have to leave for sound check soon,” he says, and I start to inwardly panic. “But I’ll be here until tomo-”

He starts to stand up and I follow suit, because I still haven’t said what I should.

“Wait,” I blurt out suddenly, placing my hands on his arms so he won’t leave. “Take me back.”

“What?” he asks incredulously. His eyes widen as if he’s scared of me.

“I want you to take me back,” I repeat confidently, making him move closer.

“Why?” he asks quietly.

“Because…because I love you,” I state, with as much poise as I can muster. But I feel my cheeks burning up and I can only keep eye contact with him for so long before it becomes embarrassingly painful.

My cheeks get increasingly red with every second he doesn’t answer.

“You…do?” he asks, rendered speechless for one of the very few times since I’ve known him.

I can only nod and rub at a burning cheek.

He probably doesn’t realize that he’s practically torturing me.

“I…you know what…” I stammer hopelessly. “Just…I’ll go now. You can never talk to me again. I get it. Alright? I-”

I don’t get to finish.

He pulls me into his arms and just hugs me, and my breathing is tight in my chest as I stiffen up at the contact.

“I missed you so much,” he murmurs, his breath tickling my ear. I relax and shut my eyes, resting my face against his neck and feeling comfortable as my doubts fall away.

He kisses the top of my head and I’m grinning like an idiot.

“It’ll be different this time, right?” he asks, and all I can do is nod because my throat is too full to say anything.

Because I think I’m actually doing something right for once.