These Are the Fast Times

Lila

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I’m on my way back to my apartment from a coffee run, the sun in my eyes and without paying attention to much.

So, I’m startled when I see who’s waiting for me outside the building.

I’m not even entirely sure I’m actually seeing him here, as I’ve barely gotten any sleep after driving in from Maryland incredibly early this morning with Jack’s friend.

He’s wearing a plaid shirt and he’s shaved since I last saw him, which makes me achingly nostalgic. All he has with him is a beat up backpack hanging over his shoulder.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, trying to sound as neutral as possible. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to sound. I cross my arms slightly defensively.

“I needed to see you,” he states simply, and I can’t turn him away.

“You came all the way from Chicago just to see me?” I ask him flatly, leading him inside the building.

“Yeah,” he answers, giving a small, awkward laugh. He hesitates to say something else, and I wait to see if he’ll continue or not. “I want to talk about us.”

“What do you want me to say, Butcher? We tried,” I say, but my throat feels tight. We climb a few flights of stairs and I pull out my keys.

“Not hard enough,” he retorts, suddenly determined enough that it makes my temper flare up and causes hurt feelings to resurface. I fumble with my keys at the door and ignore them when they drop to the floor.

“So you tell me we’re not working, over the phone, you get pissed because I was with…someone else, and now you want me back?” I ask coldly. “Bold, Butcher. Fucking great.” I spit the words out before my voice breaks and I avoid looking at him.

“I’m an idiot,” he groans dismissively.

“You are,” I agree, crossing my arms and waiting expectantly.

But he’s my idiot.

Even as I play out my bitchy façade, I don’t want anything more than to take him back and forget that he’s hurt me, and I’ve hurt him.

“Do you love me?” he asks, and I’m too thrown off to say anything at first. I pause, stopping to search his eyes.

“Why?”

“Just answer the question, Lila,” he demands, looking at me and even placing a hand on my arm. I almost flinch; I haven’t felt his touch in so long and it breaks something in me.

“Fine. Yes. I do. Alright? I don’t know how that ch-”

“Then I’ll move to New York,” he blurts out abruptly, interrupting.

“What?” I ask slowly.

“Long distance doesn’t work for us. So I’ll fucking move to New York if that’s what it takes,” he says. He readjusts his backpack on his shoulder but doesn’t look away from me.

“I never asked you to do that,” I state evenly, because I’m supposed to be pissed at him. I reach down to retrieve my keys from where they’ve landed on the floor.

“Well, maybe you should have,” he retorts stubbornly. I try glaring at him, but he just stares right back.

My gut wrenches and I have to look away from him.

“You’re insane,” I say, looking down at his worn shoes because I can’t look him in the eyes.

“Once, you told me you’d always forgive me for whatever stupid shit I do,” he reminds me, daring to reach out and tuck a strand of loose hair behind my ear. I meet his eyes again, that irrevocably determined look on his face making my heart swell in my throat.

I stay silent, but he continues anyway.

“So I’m asking this one last time for forgiveness, and I promise you, no more stupid shit,” he says, taking a step closer, seeing as I haven’t done anything to discourage him.

“How do you know?” I manage to ask, my throat dry and my eyes now damp. “How can you promise something you don’t know?”

“Because then I’ll lose you, and I’m not about to let that happen again,” he states, and I have to look away again because his steady gaze is messing with my emotions and even worse, my common sense. “If you don’t want me anymore, I can learn to live with that. I can live without you, and I know you can live without me. But I know I can’t be happy without you, Li.”

His hand moves to touch my cheek and I close my eyes, partly because it’s so familiar and partly so his eyes won’t distract me from thinking straight.

Melly needs Michael because he keeps her grounded, and he needs her so he’ll stay loosened up. Victoria needs Jack’s randomness, and Jack needs her reason.

And me and Butcher, we need each other because we need something that feels like home.

Because otherwise, we’re lost and lonely.

For those reasons, and partly because I can’t stand not forgiving him, I kiss him and let him in.