The Fifth World 2

Bo: "You!" I hiss when I see Cynric standing at the hill where I left him.

I can see Felicity too, also Johnson, Derek and Adam. I must have only been gone a few minutes because they appear to be chatting, quite uncomfortably.
I can feel the blood pulsing through my veins, the heat collecting in my head and the saliva flowing in my mouth. I really, really feel like tearing his hair out... but at the same time I really, just really, want to hold him.

"Bo," Cynric says to me as I approach, "Please, I can explain-"

I take him by the collar, realising that he is wearing his typical Angelican clothing again. The white fabric is silky in my fingers. I yank him towards me, our faces are so close. I can feel his breath on my skin.

"What kind of person are you?! Adam is a child!" I growl.

I realise that my flesh has already touched Cynric, in one way or another, maybe it was done by me simply pulling him so violently towards me... therefore, he would know why I am so upset. Cynric's capabilities will never cease to amaze me, or anger me.

"If he wishes to survive in this world, it is mandatory for him to be able to defend himself," Cynric's response is tamed. I can feel his frustration, taste it, but he is restraining himself.

There is something wrong, something very, very wrong and it is not what we are currently arguing about. It is something else. He is angry, sure, as am I... but something else is troubling him. I try not to think of what it could possibly be... I also think about the time that Cynric and I have spent apart. Did something happen there, something that would disturb him?

"How could you?" I cry, "You never wanted me to fight, you never agreed with Caine teaching me... and now, here you are, teaching my baby brother how to use a sword? How hypocritical is that?"

I realise that the anger and bitterness has faded from my voice. I am simply whimpering and every now and then my voice breaks in the most inconvenient of times. I am a wreck. I feel the fabric of Cynric's shirt slip through my fingers. The second he is released he takes a step back and flattens out his attire before sending me an angry expression. I am taken aback by his face... because at this very moment on the inside I am aching and it is not because of the fact that I yearn for his touch, or that he has betrayed me, or that he believes that my brother would in fact some day need to defend himself and definitely not because he is completely ignoring how upset and broken I am feeling - when in the past it has hurt him so badly to see me in such a way... I am crying because of all of these reasons plus another... a big fat other... I know why he is so angry.

I feel my eyes close and the memory replays in my mind...

I pull back from Jonathan and I stare up at him and into his perfect blue eyes, I whimper the next three words, "I love you." Everything tumbles in, the feelings during those moments I had with him, the heat between us, the love... the intensity. Our bodies are together, sharing warmth, sharing these few moments we have together now. He stops and he looks down at me with those beautiful blue eyes. I shiver a little as he stares at me because I know that even though he is not saying a word... he is asking me something... something very important to me... I feel my cheeks redden a little and he notices, smiles and runs a finger across my face. I kiss him again as my hands move to his shoulders to slowly take off his jacket. He knows that even though neither of us have said a word to each other what my answer is.

My eyes open and I cringe. Guilt churns within me. Mum is right; I am a slag. I feel so dirty now, grimy, like I need a shower.

"Cynic," I whisper, pathetically, " I am so sorry."

Everyone around us has disappeared. Everyone. Everything. It is as if nothing else matters. I do not care that I am not meant to be here, I do not care for the fact that my biological father who has been absent all my life is standing merely a few met res away... I do not care, for now, that my baby brother is an eighteen year old.
All that matters is Cynric.

He shakes his head at me, "No, you are not."

"I am," I say and take a step towards him, he takes a step back, "I truly am. I can explain. Nothing happened. It didn't happen!"

His face falls a little and he avoids my eyes, "It almost did."

I know that he is angry... I know that he is upset... but right now all that his face is portraying is sadness and it hurts me even more to see him like this. He is not upset to see me in pain... not like he usually is whenever I feel like this; he is upset because right now... he is the one that is feeling very betrayed. I can feel my cheeks redden, my heart pound... is this it? Is this really what it is going to come down to? Of course it is. I knew this day would come; the day when I had to choose, or had realised that I already had...

"Cynric," I say and step towards him again, "Let us talk about this-"

He steps towards me, his face so close to mine and I think that he is about to kiss me or hold me but I am wrong, I am very wrong, he whispers to me, "There is nothing to say. It is done."

"No, it isn't. Please." I helplessly try to handle him, to grip his shirt, his shoulders, his hands... anything, but he simply pulls away. "Cynric, please, I can't lose you too."

The world around us crumbles and reality hits. The moment I say the word 'too' Adam looks up at me, shock across his face. I immediately regret saying it. I stare at him, my insides dying, and then I move my teary eyes to Cynric who shakes his head and sighs.

"You did the moment you chose him, Bo," he says as a tear rolls down his cheek and he turns away from me in order to hide it.

He begins to walk away from me. I almost go to follow Cynric but stop myself when I watch Adam follow Cynric instead. His tall and broad body just moves... swiftly, perfectly. There is no stumble, no skip to his feet. Nothing. Adam's walk as a child used to be very different... is he my Adam anymore? I chew on my lip and realise that it does not even matter... whether I like it or not, that is my brother there. Whether he has aged or not, it is still my brother and he always will be. And my brother... my brother does not look back at me... not even a glance... he just keeps moving.

Has my brother truly chosen Cynric over me?