Why Does It Have To Be This Way?

Years go by faster than days itself. I have changed a lot since 6 years ago. I am now in 6th grade. Matty is now the 5 and soon will be the age I was when he was born. For a boy who gets special treatment from my mother, he isn’t all that bad. I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock one last time before I finally threw the covers off of me. I’ve been thinking about the past years lately. I got up to brush my teeth. I brushed them thoroughly as I stared into the reflection in the mirror. I spat out the toothpaste and then rinsed quickly. I stared at the mirrored image. The girl in the mirror matched my looks. Pale skin, blue eyes, red lips, shiny long dark brown hair, and very skinny but fit body. Her face was like a porcelion doll itself. The only thing hiding the beauty is the cuts and bruises all over her body. Beauty could not be seen through all the scars. The sad thing about the reflection was that it was my reflection. If I could last a week without being beaten, maybe my face would be cut free. I continued to get ready for school as my mother stared me down with complete focus. “Look at me when I look at you April!” I turned around to face my mother. She smiled. I closed my eyes. She striked me across the face hard enough to show pain. I opened my eyes again. “Much better.” I walked out the door and met up with Daniel. Daniel smiled at me with a bright smile. “Good Morning April.” I smiled back at him. “Good Morning Daniel.” I looked away to hide my sadness.
“What’s wrong April?” Daniel asked in response to my action.
“When we are old enough, will you run away with me far from her? I can’t take the pain forever.”
“Yes. If we could, I would take you right now April. Then our lives would take it from there for us.”
I smiled. I tried so hard not to blush but that did not work.
When we reached the Middle School, we walked to my locker. He walked with me. We had our first class together. We had math first. He sat on the other side of the room. As I listened to my teacher teach us a new lesson, Daniel did not pay attention to the teacher. His eyes were locked onto my head. He sat in the back on the other side. My teacher paced each row of desks slowly when she gave us our work to see if we need help. She looked down at me. She shook her head. She knelt down next to my desk. “April are you getting the problems done okay?” I nodded my head in response to show I understood. I knew that was not what she wanted to ask me. When the bell rang I got all my books and Daniel waited at the door for me. I got up from my desk and headed for the door. “April, may I talk to you?” I looked at Daniel. “Uh, Sure. Daniel meet me in class.” Daniel left the class room and I walked up to my teachers desk. “Did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble?” I asked her. She looked a bit serious about what she wanted to talk to me about. “No. Don’t worry you are not in trouble April.” I let out a sigh in relief. “Well Okay, what is it you want to talk to me about?”
“April do you have any problems at home?” I shook my head and walked to class. If only there were many new ways to hide the marks on my skin. Sadly, there is none.
When I got to English class, I noticed a new look to Daniel face. I can’t explain the new look. What is it about him that makes my heart skip a beat? I can’t explain this wonder that fills me with complete suspense. If I could explain the feeling with words, how would I describe it? Would I describe it as a good or bad feeling? There are so many questions running through my 11 ½ year old brain. Another question, What is happening to me? Something is changing and I don’t know what. I sit here at my desk wondering so many things all at once. I’m not even paying any attention to what my teacher is saying.
When I walked home I decided to investigate my feeling deep inside my chest. I look down at my flat chest. I could not describe the feeling. My father was standing right next to me in the next second. “Daddy. There is something happening to me. I don’t know what. There’s this feeling in my chest that I can’t explain.” He sits down on the parking bench and signals me to sit next to him. It looks like he knows what is happening to me. He looks at me in an uncomfortable way that I have never seen in him before. “Okay Hun. This is hard for me to talk about just as much as it is for you to hear me talk about it okay. Honey, what is happening to you is that you are becoming a young women. This is called puberty. You are going through puberty. You have been for quite some time and you are now starting to feel the changes.” I nod my head in response because I understood. He kissed my forehead and we walked home. My mother saw me and my father and flipped out. She greeted me with a fist in my mouth. I just walk past her so I can ignore it. She hated that action and reached her hand out to my neck. I stared at her showing no fear. I didn’t care anymore honestly. She slammed my head into the wall as hard as she could. I could taste blood in my mouth. I saw pretty stars that were glowing so bright, I blacked out.
My father held me tight as I tried to gain consciousness. I was unable to. I started to cry alone in my room later. It was so much harder now since I got older. My father was shouting in response to my mother. I heard him get beat to the ground by her. I covered my ears with my pillow. I fell asleep. Later in the night, I realized a certain change to my body. I looked down at my chest. My breasts were starting to develop. I had this pain near my abdomen. It hurt really bad as I realized there really was something wrong with me. Not this ‘puberty’ thing my dad was talking about but something else. I’ve never felt this way before. What is happening to me? I think I know. I’m growing up. I get up out of bed to see my father. He wasn’t in his room, he was in the kitchen. He was on the kitchen floor unconscious. Daddy was not okay. I shake my dad’s body to wake him up. Tears are streaming down my face as I do it. Screaming “Daddy. Daddy! Wake up! I need you!” He turns over and hugs me. I hug back. “I’m not going anywhere. “ He picks me up and tucks me into my bed.
I wake up the next morning. I jump out of bed because I feel wet. I got to my bathroom and scream. Daddy was right. He ran into the room. “What is it honey?” I cried some more. “Daddy. There is blood in my pants. Something is wrong.” He hugs me and has tears in his eyes. Tears of joy. “Dad?” He looks at me and smiles. “Congratulations! You are now a young woman!” My dad told me I got my first period. I was now a woman.
Months pass and so does my birthday. I am 12 years old now. It is June, the beginning of the summer. Daniel keeps looking at me in an unordinary way that I cannot describe. He sits there and studies me. I smile back most of the times. There were just too many things I could not understand just yet. I was going into the 7th grade in August already. I have grown up so much. I miss being a little kid in so many ways. Not only has my life become harder, so has the brutal beatings. I’m older than when I was little. If only I was that fragile again and a single hard blow would kill me. Now it is much harder than one hit. She wants to torture me to death. It wouldn’t be fun just to kill me quickly. She must slowly kill me painfully. I wave goodbye to Daniel as I enter my house. I see my father getting yelled at by my mother. Then she hits him with a vase. Xavier and Donna are huddling underneath the table as Matty sits there and watches because he doesn’t know what to do. Matty is now 6 as well. He sees me and smiles at the sight of my presence. I don’t smile back because pain fills my eyes as I watch in horror. My dad takes one look at me and then falls to the ground with blood pouring out of his head. My mother drops a piece of glass and looks up at me. “You better not fuck with me or your next! You got it?!” I nod my head and walk into my room with Donna and Xavier following me. It was something they were scared of: being hit by her. Most of the time it was all taken out on me or my father. I heard my mother open the cabinet. She was drunk, and was grabbing a bottle of strong Vodka. I heard footsteps coming toward my room. I was hugging my siblings who were scared of what just happened. “Hide now!” I told them. They nod their head because they heard her footsteps come closer as well. They jump out of my arms and slide underneath my bed. Just in the same moment, my mother opens the door and it lets out a loud screech. She drinks the bottle and stares at me. “You! It was you! You are the reason for everything! You ruined my life! You’re the little brat that caused me pain when I was 16 years old. How dare you form up into my womb at that time!” I shrieked because I always knew I was never supposed to happen but happened anyway. This was dangerous. She had a glass bottle of Vodka in her hand. She chucks the bottle at my head. The glass breaks immediately as it hits my head. I didn’t scream, didn’t cry, didn’t make a sound, all I did was stare. Vodka got into my eyes. I closed them because of the burning sensation that caused me to shutter. Blood poured on the ground. I knew Donna and Xavier held each other close as they saw blood pour out of my head. I fell to the ground and saw Donna in Xavier’s arms. They both watched in pure horror. Xavier covered Donna’s mouth so she wouldn’t scream.
I open my eyes and then stay black out. I blacked out with my eyes completely open and blood red. Blood poured out of my mouth. For a moment, I knew it was over. My life had ended. My mother walked out of the room and drove off somewhere. Donna and Xavier ran out from under the bed and after Matty. Matty sat on the floor coloring. Donna looked over at him. “Get up Matty!” Xavier went to the kitchen sink and grabbed a glass. He filled a glass of water. Donna and Xavier hover my father’s body and then pour the glass on his head. He wakes up quickly. “Thanks guys. Where’s April?” They turn pale white and point over to her room. He jumps up off the floor quickly and runs to my room. The kids follow him. He grabs his phone out of his pocket and calls the paramedics. They were over in a flash. They picked me up and put me onto a stretcher and hurried to the hospital. My father drove to the hospital with my siblings. He watched them work on me for an hour. They finally get my pulse back and my heart beat. They removed glass from my head and put a bandage over my eyes due to alcohol was in contact with my eyes. Then my pulse stops and I die once again. This was not an easy blow to the head, this one was filled with pure hatred. Daniel was in the waiting room, crying his eyes out in worry. They lost me twice. Then I finally gained consciousness from the heavy blow. My head was hurting so bad. The doctors were keeping me over night. By morning, I would be aloud to take the bandage off my eyes. My father holds my hand as I stay scared in my bed. I was unable to see due to the thick bandages covering my eyes. Daniel hugged me tightly because he knew I was scared. Donna and Xavier held each other because they were deeply scarred for life for what they had just witnessed today. I died twice. I fell asleep because I would feel better in the morning. When I woke up in the morning, I was so happy to be able to see again. I was released from the hospital, yesterday I had blood transfusions. My blood type is O negative. They actually had some in stock at the hospital. I’m a rare one.
I knew yesterday put a number to how many visit I have had there.
I couldn’t describe the looks Daniel has been giving me. It’s raining outside, I let the rain drench every inch of my body. My hair was drenched and water poured down my face. I look up at the sky, wishing for some kind of wonder to happen. Daniel sits next to me studying my actions. I turn to look at him. “Daniel, is it bad that I sense something bad will happen one day?” He shrugs in response and looks deeper into my eyes. “In some cases, yes, in our case, probably not, don’t worry nothing is going to happen.” I nod my head to shake off the feeling. “Yeah I guess so, you’re right what am I thinking?” Later the sun came out. We ran around the field together. Laughing, singing, and dancing around is all it took to bring this worry off of me. When Daniel and I were completely dry, we walk to my house. When I open the door, my mother shouting at my father over nonsense is what I come home to. I look back at Daniel. “Go now!” I told him in worry. Daniel nods his head and I close the door. Daniel hid in the garden and watches through the window.
My mother took him over to the kitchen. She slaps him hard across the face and he holds his cheek. She is a very strong woman, not in personality, but in physical violence. She slams his head violently against the table. “Say it! Say it Dammit!” She said with complete force. He spits blood out of his mouth and then breathes heavily. “I- I love you.” She lets go of his head and lets him fall to the ground. She smiles. “Much better.” She walks away from him and notices me watching. “What are you looking at you little brat!?” I snap out of my daze and look at her. “Don’t just stand there and look at me. Answer me!” I open up mouth looking for the words to say. “Ugh, nothing. Why would you say that?” That was the wrong answer to make. My mother beats me to the ground once again. My arm was bleeding really badly. I run away from my mother and close my door. Filled with terror, I run into my closet to hide. I’ve had this happen too many times before. I wrapped a scarf around my arm to make a tourniquet. My mother enters my room quietly looking for me. I knew Daniel was watching from my bedroom window now. My mother looked under my bed. I look through the door that was almost completely shut. But not completely shut yet. I watched through the little opening. She looked under my desk and tore my bed apart to see if I was skinny enough to hide under the covers. Then, she was gone, just like that, she disappeared. I let out a deep sigh of relief. Then the closet door opens with my mother staring me down, angrily. I run out of the closet and under my bed to hold onto the leg of the bed as she tried to pull me out from under the bed. My father jumps up from the kitchen and runs into my room knowing that whenever he passes out, I am in danger. He hits grabs my mothers arms and tries to pin them to her side. She fights it and eventually, breaks free from his grip. She grabbed my arm with such force. She pinned me down and held my arm back. Then my father tried to stop her once again. She looked back at him. “Do that and I swear to god I will break her fucking arm!” I screamed. “No Mommy please don’t do it!” She didn’t care for my plea and carelessly slammed her fist into my arm and you heard a loud crack. For a moment, I felt no pain, then the next moment, the pain of a bone snapping kicks in and I scream at the top of my lungs. She let’s go of me to handle my father again. I look at my arm. My free arm, I grab a needle to stitch my arm up from the severe cut that caused me to perform a tourniquet on my arm. The same arm had been broken. Good thing she didn’t break my right arm because I m right handed. Once again my mother leaves taking Donna and Xavier with her. Matty stays home with us, Daniel comes running in after me. He helps me clean up the blood on my arm, my father enters the room. “We need to get you to a hospital. I’m afraid they will have to snap your arm back in place. Daniel and Matty come with me and my father to the hospital. They all sit with me in the room. The doctor takes an X-ray of my arm and agrees my arm is broken. “From the looks of it, you broke it really good. You need to have pins put in.” He takes my arm and counts to three. “When I count to three, I will try to snap your arm back into place. It will be painful either way. Ready. 1…2…3” you heard a loud snap and I screamed in pain. He puts me on a hospital bed and rolls me into immediate surgery. My father, Daniel, and Matty all follow the doctor as he rolled me. “April, what color cast would you like when you wake up?” I shrug. “May I have pink?” He laughs and nods his head.
After the surgery was over, I woke up seeing Daniel and my father holding Matty as he slept on his chest. I look over at my arm. Then back up at them. They smile at my awakening. The doctor puts the gauze around my arm and then the pink cast onto my arm. He gives me an arm sling and sends me off to my house.