Lolita Love Story

"Kou-kun!"

Kougou turned halfway through removing his green jersey. Ryota stood across the room with a characteristic assured smile on his face, cradling the soccer ball on his hip.

"Do you have plans for tomorrow?" he asked, handing off the ball to Akihiro, who left to change. "We're going out to get udon if you're interested."

"Okay," he said, pulling on his long-sleeved shirt. "No practice tomorrow?"

"You bet your ass there's practice!" Ryota said, laughing. "I meant lunch. There's this great place right by Keio SFC- plenty of hot girls." He chuckled, lightly hitting Kougou's arm with a barely-clenched fist. "See ya later, man."

Ryota left, talking animatedly with his brother about some girl in his home room. Kougou hurriedly put on his school uniform. When he left the locker room, he realized that practice had dragged on for longer than usual. There weren't even any of the other clubs' members hanging around, like they usually did. He let out a small sigh, weariness catching up with him from practice. He began the trek home, something nagging at him. Lifting his head a little, he noticed someone a little ahead of him with his school's uniform. The guy turned suddenly to pick up a card he'd dropped on the pavement.

"Oh, hey, Kou-kun!" Takeshi said, waving as he slid it into his pocket. "Are you heading straight home today?"

"Un," Kougou answered, feeling diminutive beside the older, more muscular boy. He was a third-year, only six months older, but he seemed too wise to be that young. "What about you?"

"I'm on the way to my girlfriend's house. We're going to the Sapporo Snow Festival with her family this weekend, so we have to get ready." He shrugged. "I'm not really into it, but Fumiko really wants to see it and you know how she is."

Kougou nodded, though he didn't really know. There were just rumors. Not that he really cared.

"Any plans for the weekend?" he asked, looking preoccupied.

"Not really."

"Don't you like anyone?" Takeshi asked off-handedly, as though that's what he'd really meant to say all along. "There must be at least one girl at our school that you think is cute. You look like the kind of guy who's dated a couple of girls before."

There were a lot of girls at the school that were pretty, but none that he thought about past that. He wasn't very attracted to the tanned skin and bleached hair of girls like Rie or Fumiko, which was what most of the other girls aspired to. Nor did he like the feminine side of punk style Visual Kei, another popular style at school. The only girl he was really attracted to was Saikai... but that could never be.

"I suppose, but cuteness isn't everything."

"I wish I could think like that," Takeshi said, laughing a little at himself. Kougou found it hard to see a laid-back and mature guy like Takeshi with a girl who was supposedly so vain and selfish as Fumiko. The only thing that seemed to hold them together was mutual attraction. "Things sure would be easier for me." He looked at the thinner, younger boy walking beside him. "What about that girl you're always talking to? The Lolita."

"What about her?"

"Yamasui, right? She's cute," he said, smiling. "Why don't you like her?"

Kougou looked at the ground as they walked, listening to the trains passing overhead. The city wasn't as busy as his old home, but the bustle was enough to remind him that he and his troubles were smaller than he made them out to be. He let out a breath and focused on the conversation itself, not the image of the sweet and innocent face that formed in his mind's eye.

"It isn't that I don't like her, senpai. In this time of my life... I'm not ready for a girlfriend. There is too much chaos in my personal life."

"All the more reason, then," he said, pulling out his phone. He paused as he sent a text. "You need something stable in your life, Kou-kun. Otherwise, you might just go crazy or something."

Kougou watched a shadow flit across Takeshi's face, but it disappeared soon after he closed his cell phone. They continued walking and talking about school, but Kougou kept replaying that sudden change on his friend's face. People were always hiding things from society, their friends, even from the people they trusted most because to share everything that upset or worried them would be a burden on others. He felt a warm part of his heart closing up in response.

I'd rather go crazy alone than drag someone else into my problems, Kougou thought to himself.



Kou-chan.

Kougou leapt awake to the fading echoes of his mother's voice. Kou-chan.... He'd heard it said so many times, he'd known it would never truly go away. He looked over at the only photo he had of her, taken several years ago at his eleventh birthday. Her face was smiling peacefully despite his cousins filling the room, frustratingly excitable, as he recalled. She was always so calm. Looking at her peaceful face amidst the chaos made him heartsick.

"Kou-kun," his father called. He wandered into the living room, where his father was pulling on his jacket. "I'm leaving. Be careful on your way to school today. I heard that one of the train lines is out. It may be busy around that area."

"See you later," he called, disappearing into the bathroom to begin getting ready.

While shampooing his hair, Kougou suddenly remembered his promise to Saikai a few days before. Maybe it was a good idea to go with the guys instead. He wouldn't have to worry about what he would say, or what to do. He wouldn't have to worry about giving her the wrong impression... but he promised. Feeling guilty, he finished his shower and sent a text to Ryota.

I can't go this afternoon. I forgot that I made plans with someone else before. Gomen nasai.

As he grabbed his briefcase and headed out the door, he felt a sudden, sharp pain in his forehead. He leaned forward against the cold railing and squeezed his eyes shut. His breath came in short gasps and he felt as though he would be sick. The feeling began to pass after a few minutes, though his heart continued to hammer in his chest and his stomach knotted up as he stood up straight.

Kougou hurried to school, deciding not to take the train to save some time. As is father said, it was busier than normal in the streets. Everyone was crowded around one of the alleys beneath the rail tracks. Kougou rushed past, worried that he might be late again. His attendance record was getting out of hand.

The streets remained busy even as he continued away from the train tracks and toward the school. It was unusual. Many adults lingered there, talking loudly on their cell phones or surging toward the train tracks, eager to join the throng. Something must have happened, but Kougou couldn't worry about that now. He pushed his way through the crowd of people, unable to hear even his own thoughts.

As he arrived at school, he noticed that it the crowd was most dense there. He found Saikai standing a little ways away from the bulk of the crowd, turned away with a very pale face.

"Oh... Hi, senpai..." she said, smiling weakly. Her voice was faint.

"What happened?" he asked, frowning. She looked as sick as he'd felt earlier.

"A girl from our school committed suicide this morning," she said in that same faint voice. As she spoke, he saw that it was physically difficult for her to recount. "It was a double suicide, with her best friend. One jumped onto the train tracks and one of the girls jumped off the roof."

The vestiges of a dream returned to him. Blood and splintered bone greased the train tracks. The train wasn't able to come to a stop until several kilometers past its destination. "What were their names?"

"Chie Miramoto... Hanako Sae."

Chie. The name echoed in his head. Another death he'd foreseen. This was different. The deaths he'd seen before were people close to him, family or friends. Now, it was random. He'd never officially met Chie, only seen her in passing. The pain he'd felt distinctly in his skull that morning could have been her death, as it had been with his mother's and the others before her.

"Are you alright, Senpai?" she asked, color returning to her face a little.

"I will be fine. Are you okay?"

She nodded, but swayed a little on her feet at the sight of Hanako's body being taken away on a stretcher. Even with the covering, her body was a disturbing shape beneath the blood-soaked cloth. Kougou caught Saikai first by her elbow and then wrapped an arm around her when she collapsed against him completely.

"My God," she whispered, tears soaking his uniform. "I never knew that they felt like this..."

"You couldn't know," he said soothingly, arms wrapped around her. He felt that he should put distance between them, but couldn't bring himself to. She was in tears. She was hardly able to stand. Other girls were crying, moved by the bold displays of misery before them. Some leaned into their boyfriends, horrified, like Saikai was doing. Above the sounds of sobbing and chattering, the principal was giving some hastily-written speech about the lives and legacies of the two young girls.

"Can we leave, Kougou?" she asked, looking small and vulnerable. "I don't want to be here anymore."

"Mochiron... let's go." He supported her as they walked in the opposite direction. Looking back once, he felt disgusted at the morbid curiosity that kept the other students rapt in front of the scene. A girl's blood was splattered across the steps of their school, her pain laid out in physical form, and they hadn't cared only weeks before. Now, they only cared because of the gossip and intrigue. People could be terrible creatures.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked her as they wound their way through a nearly-deserted park.

"Anywhere away from that." As she spoke, he noticed that she didn't look quite as pale anymore, though a shadow had settled across her innocent face. "Maybe we can stop here."

They stopped in the middle of the trail and she smoothed her skirt before tucking her legs under her on the cool, plush grass. Kougou sat beside her, not sure what to say.

"I'm sorry to do this to you," she said uncomfortably, playing with the rings on her fingers. "Sometimes, I think you must not want to see me."

"What do you mean?" he asked, watching the cold wind dance through locks of her hair.

"It just seems that... maybe... there is something bothering you. I think... maybe you want to avoid me." She paused. "It's okay."

Breathing suddenly felt like blasphemy. "There are a lot of things happening in my life lately, Saikai... too many things outside of my control." He ran his fingers through the grass. "I don't want to avoid you, but sometimes... I have no choice."

She didn't say anything, just stared silently at the ground in front of her. From where he was sitting, he couldn't see her expression, only the soft outline of her cheek.

Many things crossed his mind. A part of him felt that he should tell her everything in that moment- about his father, his strange curse, about his dead mother. His heart felt as though it would collapse at doing so, however. Such a burden may be too much for her to handle. The thought that he might taint her gentle innocence made him feel sick.

"I know you must think I'm fragile," she said quietly, as if reading his mind, never looking up from that spot. "Everyone thinks that about me. But in my life... I have had hardships, too." Her finger traced the lace on her skirt. "My mother died giving birth to me. My father left soon after... he put everything into his work. He's a diplomat, so he's never here, and when he is, he makes excuses not to see me. I've lived with my grandparents all my life. Though my father still sees me sometimes, it's not the same.

"The only person who really loves me besides my grandmother is my half-brother... but I rarely see him."

She turned toward him then, her beautiful brown eyes open and sweet despite the sadness of the topic. He smiled a little, despite himself. "It's impossible with you," he said, fondness tugging the words out of his mouth. "I don't want to talk about sadness anymore... but if you want to know, I can't hide it from you.

"My mother died a few months ago, which is why I moved here. My father was also hurt in the incident that killed her, and had to get surgery for the injuries. He was offered a job in Hokkaido following the procedure. Things have been... difficult."

"But... you weren't hurt?" she asked, looking concerned.

"For some reason, I was spared." He let out a breath. "The police claimed the man was a burglar, looking to steal money and jewelry. They said that he was surprised that there were people awake at that time, and he just panicked."

"You aren't convinced, though."

"Not at all. My father lost his legs due to point-blank gunshot wounds. My mother was attacked with a knife. It doesn't make sense for a burglar to use a knife if he already has a gun."

She nodded, looking intently at him. He ran a hand through his hair. "We should talk about happier things."

The cold wind slid across his face, punctuating the silence. Saikai slipped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, not speaking. In that moment, Kougou felt a small flame spark to life inside his heart. He closed his eyes, slowly wrapping his arms around her. For the first time in his life, he felt that he was not alone.