Lolita Love Story

Kougou stood at the train station, his chest heaving as he struggled to breathe. He'd run to find Saikai after class ended, hurried to catch up to her, and pushed people out of the way toward her. Still, he'd just missed her. Surely she had heard him calling for her to wait...

Kougou squeezed his eyes shut, his heart beating angrily. Saikai wouldn't avoid him, would she? He could hardly believe something like that. A tide of students swirled around him, a rock in their stream, yet they closed around him as if he didn't really matter. His heart felt raw- more than raw.

When his pulse finally began to return to normal, he calmly continued forward onto the train. People seemed to push past him, their steps hurried and tense. Kougou hadn't noticed before how much stress people put on themselves for little things. He found a spot near the front of the train to stand while everyone chattered in loud, anxious voices about work, school, gossip, and their evening plans. He watched the city flying past and the ocean reflecting the first blush of sunset. The vivid color reminded him faintly of Saikai's beautiful hair, a rich and romantic red. The last strings of clouds clinging to the darkening sky were like the white lace that adorned her clothes.

He shook away the thoughts and the sinking disappointment that came with them. He hadn't been able to catch up to her, but his words could wait. After all, he would see her sometime in the future. Perhaps even tomorrow. It wasn't as if she would always be in the distance. Yet... something pulled at him, kept him from pulling his focus away and into the world around him.

Something about that guy...

"Kou-kun," Daisuke called from the back of the train. Kougou looked over. He began to walk toward him, and found a spot across the aisle. He looked haggard, with pale skin and dark circles around his small eyes. He didn't smile anymore, and hadn't told jokes in days. Kougou was hit with the sudden realization, and felt a pang of guilt. "I didn't know if it was you at first... Anyway, what was with that guy, Caym?"

"I don't know," he said, a little uncomfortably. "I've never seen him before."

"You sure, man? He sounded like he knew who you were, though." He looked worriedly at Kougou for a while before forcing himself to look elsewhere. "These days, it seems like a lot of strange things are happening. My parents said that violence and suicides have never been this high before."

Kougou thought about it absently. Was it really getting that bad these days?

"Anyway, that guy... he seems kinda crazy, you know? I think my cousin goes to the same cram school with him. I'll ask around. Just be careful if you see him again. Maybe he's dangerous." Kougou nodded, keeping his eyes on the floor. "I doubt he knows Saikai, though. She would never associate with that kind of guy, right?"

"Yeah," he agreed, though in his mind, he wondered. Saikai was a kind person, but she seemed like the type of girl who would believe anything that people told her. If Caym talked to her in a calm way, it would probably be enough to convince her that he was a decent person despite his obvious roughness. The thought of her with someone like that was difficult to bear.

"This is my stop," Daisuke told Kougou, his voice more serious than usual. He squeezed his friend's shoulder. "Tell me if you need anything. I've got you, okay?" Kougou nodded and he turned away, disappearing into the crowd of students.

After Daisuke's departure, the rest of the ride was comfortably quiet except for the white noise of people's conversations and typing on computers, tablets, and phones. Things seemed to have changed for a lot of people lately. Two girls had committed suicide, Daisuke was acting strangely, Rie was no longer popular for some reason, and then there was that guy... Caym. Kougou's feelings had changed recently, too.

Kougou got off at the next stop, consumed in thought as he wandered toward home. It was nearly dark outside. Mist had crept up from the shore and had set in so thickly that he could barely see the streetlights lining the dark alleys. As he turned onto the street toward home, he saw a flash of red hair in the mist- the same as Saikai's. Heart pumping loudly in his chest, he hurried toward the next street where he thought he saw her turn. The street was long; his strides seemed too small. He began to run.

His shoes against the concrete were the only sounds in the empty street. He heard laughter of children in the distance, and a high-pitched voice shouting accusations several streets over. He didn't hear Saikai's voice. He forced himself to run faster.

When he reached the street, he turned violently and his eyes searched the murky darkness outlined by bluish-white mist. His heart hammered in his chest, blood pumping loudly in his ears. His eyes strained, but no shapes were visible. It didn't make sense for anyone to go down that street, anyway. It ended in a small, rundown park. Kougou told himself that seeing her vivid red hair was just his imagination, a small part of him shuddering at the mysteriousness of the mists. He continued across the street toward his house.



That night, Kougou sat with his father on the couch. His father's prosthetic leg sat nearby, but the stump was still alien to him. Kougou forced himself not to look at it, and he did not feel comfortable asking questions. His father seemed content enough under the circumstances. Their dinner had been small and light, as neither father nor son felt the same kind of hunger that they did while Kougou's mother was present. Eating a hearty meal seemed to him almost like blasphemy, though he couldn't explain it.

They were watching a TV show together, though Kougou wasn't especially interested in it. It was Fuurin Kazan, a drama set in the Sengoku era. Kougou had never liked history, and it was strange to him that there would be a drama based off of something like that. Still, his father was quite interested in Japanese history, and he wanted to spend time with him since they rarely had the chance.

"How is school going, Kou-kun?"

"It's fine." After a short pause, he added, "It's different after what happened to those two girls."

"As I thought," his father said, letting out a small sigh. "It would be wrong if things just continued like nothing had happened, wouldn't it?"

"Yes," he agreed, his thoughts going out to their ancestors.

"It's terrible that you kids have already felt the consequences of death. So young, yet your lives are touched by it... And that these things are becoming almost normal now... In my youth, I never would have believed that." He shook his head as if to shake off the thoughts. "I wish kids had more time to be kids, and didn't have to worry so much about becoming adults. I think that's part of our problem."

"I think I would prefer to be an adult," Kougou said, smiling a little.

His father also smiled. "You were always like that. Always more mature than the others. You're like an old man living in that young body." He turned back toward the TV, his eyes trained on the ground in front of him. His expression became serious. "You know, Kou-kun... these days, I feel like there are clouds hovering over me. I can't focus on work like I used to."

"I feel it, too," he said sincerely.

"It just feels like there's nothing left sometimes," he said suddenly, voice emotionless. Kougou felt a jolt of alertness, though he didn't know why. "With your mother gone... where we lived before was our house and our home because she was there. After what happened, it was no longer home; it was merely a house. Now that we've moved, I feel it fully. Nowhere is really home to me. This place... it's wonderful, but without her, it's just a house.

"When you move for school, it will really be nothing to me then. I won't have anyone to come home to. I won't have anyone to cherish. I don't know how I'll get by like that."

"I can stay here with you during college. It will save money and I can do housework," Kougou offered. "You won't be alone, father."

"As if I could ask you to stay," he said sadly, shaking his head. "Your life and your happiness are more important to me than that. I know you won't leave forever, but day-to-day life will be different for me after that. I just don't know what I'll do."

Kougou sat beside his father quietly, feeling helpless. His father was right. Kougou had dreamed of studying International Business at Ritsumeikan, a large university known for its international students, since he was a child. His family's business ideas interested him. His grandfather owned a large company in Beijing and his father's best friend owned a telemarketing company in Tokyo. Kougou had spoken to both, and discovered his interest as a child. He would likely go to Ritsumeikan given the opportunity. But it was too far to commute to every day from home.

His father was silent, but they both knew.