Beginnings

James is always so loud. He’s short, shorter than Sirius, but Sirius has always imagined that James is taller than him. James lacks a lot of common sense sometimes -- most times -- but Sirius looks to him for guidance. James always knows what to do.

Sirius will never admit it to the other boy, but he has always considered himself a sidekick of sorts. They’re partners, always. Best friends. James does not look down on him, Sirius has always been an equal. But James is the one with the plan. He is the leader.

But now, putting on his dress robes, Sirius sees James, and he is so small. The night before, his eyes had been puffy and red. Now, his face is just white. There is no emotion, his features are slack.

He didn’t want to see anyone, not even Lily, except Sirius. James had never been one for firewhisky, but in the past couple of days he had had more than Sirius cared to measure.

James struggles with the buttons on the front of his dress robes.

‘Here,’ Sirius says, undoing the buttons that James has placed in the wrong holes.

James is silent as Sirius finishes. By the end, Sirius’s hands are shaking. The Potters were practically his own parents but he had squashed his own feelings down. This was James’s day of mourning. He couldn’t take that away from him.

‘Ready?’ Sirius asks.

James nods.

The house is quiet as the two of them walk to the lounge. The Potters’ usual chairs are both sitting in the lounge and Sirius keeps his eyes away from them as he guides James to the fireplace.

‘Do you want to go first?’ Sirius asks.

‘Can you?’

If Sirius goes first, James might not follow.

‘Sure.’ Sirius takes a handful of Floo powder and throws it into the flames. ‘Don’t be too long.’ He claps a hand on James’s shoulder.

Sirius is warm for a few moments, then finds himself in an impeccably clean room with vases of flowers everywhere, as well as two other fireplaces. He steps forward a little bit to leave room for James and waits.

There are people in the next room, Sirius can hear their muffled talking. He takes a peek through the door but everyone looks too old and sad and he recognises no one. He withdraws his head and goes back to staring at the fireplace.

‘Sirius?’ says Remus behind him.

Remus walks through the door. ‘I don’t think you saw me. I waved.’

Sirius stares at him for a few moments. Sirius recognises the robes as the ones Remus’s father wore in the wedding photo on Remus’s mantelpiece.

‘How are you feeling?’

Sirius shrugs. ‘I don’t know. James will be here soon.’

Remus walks towards him and Sirius hugs him tightly, burying his face in Remus’s collar. He feels Remus’s hands on his back. There’s no urge to cry, Sirius feels nothing.

They stay like that until James emerges from the fireplace.

‘We should probably go in,’ Sirius says after James hugs Remus. ‘Are you ready?’

James takes a deep breath and stands tall. ‘Okay,’ he says in a voice far too small for him.

They enter the room and Sirius guides James quickly to the front, where they sit. Sirius isn’t sure where Remus ends up sitting, but James is pale and right now, he is the only one Sirius can think about.

James sits silently throughout the service until he is asked to speak. His voice wavers but he sends a farewell to his parents that makes the emptiness inside Sirius go away and tears run down his cheeks.

When James sits down, he reaches for Sirius’s hand. They sit unmoving until it’s time for the burial.

The entire time, James does not let go of Sirius. His hand is sweaty and cold but Sirius grips it tightly, wishing he could do more but he doesn’t know what to do. He has never mourned someone properly, let alone two at once. He wasn’t allowed to his uncle’s funeral.

When he’s asked to throw a rose onto the coffins, James utters a small sob.

The reception afterwards and people keep trying to come up and talk to James, but he turns to Sirius and then they go for a walk, picking up Lily and Remus and Peter along the way.

Lily takes James’s hand from him with a tight, sad smile, and Sirius falls into step beside Remus. The five of them sit under a tree, far enough away that they can’t hear the people at the reception, but they can still see them.

Sirius leans against Remus. ‘You look good,’ he says. He laughs a little at the absurdity of the statement.

But Remus only smiles at him. ‘You too. But you need some sleep.’

‘James needs some sleep,’ Sirius says so only Remus can hear him.

‘Do you want me to come over, maybe help out?’

Sirius nods. ‘James said he doesn’t want people over, but I’m sure you don’t count. You too, Pete,’ he says, when he sees the other boy straining to eavesdrop. ‘Come on, let’s have a send-off tonight, James. A proper one. You should come too, Evans.’

Lily looks at James, who nods.

Not much happens that night. They drink and dance and when the sun rises, it’s only Sirius and James awake. They sit on the floor, backs against the wall. Peter passed out on the floor, Lily followed soon after on the couch and Remus had gone to bed a few hours ago.

‘Thanks, Sirius. For today.’

His voice is different. Now he’s by himself, like Sirius, except not by choice.

Sirius nods. ‘Anytime, Prongs.’

James eventually falls asleep, his head resting on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius closes his eyes and leans his head against James’s.