Change

I trudge out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. The coffee is pulling me towards the cold room, where I find Gerard sitting by the table, eating his cereal. I smile at him, even though he doesn't look up at me, and pour a cup of coffee before I go and sit in front of him. He's eating with his eyes closed as he's done every day this week. I think he started doing it the week before.
I place a hand over his.

“Morning,” I mumble, before I bring the mug to my lips. Gerard lifts his head, opens his eyes and smiles at me. He looks tired.
“You sure you don't wanna take the day off?”
I asked him last night, since he was so tired, irritable and obviously stressed out when he got home from work, but he just shook his head and went to take a shower.
He shakes his head.

“Got a lot to do today,” he mumbles as he closes his eyes and lets his head drop down. He resumes to eating.

I look at him in pity. He can't see it, so I take the time to just sit there, gently stroke his hand and worrying about him. He's been so distant lately. He's always tired and stressed out. The few times he's been up for talking to me, he's told me how stressing his job has been lately and how he just needs to pull through until Christmas; then he can relax.
I worry that he's gonna crack before then.

He suddenly pulls his hand away from under mine and gets up. He grabs the bowl that's still half-full with cereal and milk and go put it in the sink.

“I'm gonna go in early. I'll just go get ready,” he mumbles and leaves the kitchen. I hear the bathroom door shut, and I can't help but frown. He looks so stressed out. And I swear he's lost weight. We haven't had sex in about 3 weeks, so I haven't really seen him naked or truly felt him, but when he does allow me to lie in his arms in the evenings when we watch TV, he feels skinny. He's not exactly underweight, but I like that about him; I love his chubbiness and softness. He's always warm.
Or, he used to be. Now, he's always cold – both on the outside, and the inside. He's just so distant. He's changed, and not for the better.
Is he thinking about breaking up with me? Has he gotten bored with me? Is he tired of me? Already?

I look down into my mug and pray a little prayer to a god I don't really know if I even believe in.
Please, don't leave me, Gerard?

------

The lock rattles and I get up from the couch. I walk out into the hallway and towards the front door when it suddenly opens. Gerard steps inside, but stops when he sees me. His eyes look dead. His facial expression tells me nothing.
He smiles briefly, then looks down and walks inside, closing the door behind him.

“Are you okay?” I ask him. He nods his head as he unzips his jacket. He takes it off and then turns to me, smiling at me again – longer this time.
“Where've you been?” I ask, sounding like a concerned housewife. I even sound like I'm blaming him of cheating or hitting a bar on his way home, and I hope I have no reason to sound like that.
He bends down and takes his shoes off.

“I was working and forgot the time,” he mumbles. He puts his shoes in their place and walks towards me. He grabs my arms gently, kisses my lips and then smiles. He stares into my eyes for a few seconds, and I take the opportunity to stare right back. For a split second, he looks like himself.

He pulls away and walks past me. I quickly reach out and grab a hold of his hat, pulling it off his head as he walks away. I giggle at him when he turns around, looking puzzled. He giggles back.

“Are you tired?” I ask him, hanging his hat on a hook and walking after him into the living room where he drops down on the couch.

“Yeah,” he sighs, pressing the on-button on the remote with his big toe. I smile despite my worrying frown and go over to sit next to him. He stretches his arms over his head, then drops one behind my back and pulls me down with him as he lies down on the couch.
I smile genuinely. It's one of his good days.

“Maybe we should go to bed early so you could get some sleep,” I suggest, hoping he'll say yes. He needs sleep – and a lot of it.
There's a silence between us, only filled out by the TV noising. I have no idea what we're 'watching', and I don't really care. I only care about Gerard.

“Mhm,” he finally hum. He doesn't sound convincing – or convinced.
I sigh inaudibly and prepare for another late night up, worrying about him.

-----

I open my eyes and see it's still dark. I don't wanna wake up yet.
I turn over, quickly puff up my pillow and lie my head back down.
I frown. I feel like someone's watching me.
I open my eyes and look ahead. In front of me, I see Gerard. He's staring at me through the dark.

“What are you doing?” I whisper. I lift my head and puff up my pillow again, making it more soft.

“Watching you?” he asks, as if it's the most normal thing in the world.
I frown, close my eyes and lie my head back down.

“Go to sleep, Gerard,” I whisper, before I drift off again.

-----

My cell rings and I curse myself for forgetting to turn it off. The boss looks at me disapprovingly as I jump and stick my hand in my pocket. I quickly look at the screen.
Secret number
I frown. No one ever calls me from a secret number.
Earning another look of disapproval from my boss, I get out of my chair and quickly exit the conference room. I pick up the phone before I close the door behind me.

“Frank Iero,” I announce, hearing crackles and noise from the other end.

“Hello, Mr. Ireo,” a woman says at the other end, mispronouncing me name.
“My name is Marcy. I'm a nurse at the Overlook Hospital.” Hospital? Gerard!
“Do you know a man by the name of Gerard Way?”

“Yes!” I quickly answer.
“Is he okay?”
Someone screams something in the background.

“Yes, he is fine. His employer called an ambulance because he was seemingly unresponsive, but there's nothing physically wrong with him.” I sigh in relief.
“We do, however, recommend that he should be kept under observation. He says he doesn't wish to be here, but that you live with him. Is that true?”

“Yes.” Unresponsive? Hospital? Gerard...

“Would you be able to keep an eye on him for the next 24 hours or so?”

“Yes,” I answer quickly.

“Alright. We'll make sure to send him home in a cab on our charge. Just make sure he gets something to eat and drink and plenty of rest. Okay?”

“Yes,” I say, unsure of what else to do.
“Thank you.”

“You're welcome. Goodbye sir,” the nurse says, then just hangs up.

-----

“Gerard?” I yell out as soon as I step inside. All locks but one was unlocked, so I know he's home.

I walk into the living room, but I don't find him. I check the kitchen, but he's not there either. I'm on my way to the bedroom when I hear the water running. The bathroom door is open. I walk out there and see that the shower is on. I walk over and pull the shower curtain away, and there, on the floor, fully dressed, sits Gerard.
Slowly, he raises his head and looks at me. He looks so tired.
My stomach twists and turns and a wave of nausea presses against my throat.

“Gerard,” I whisper, before I drop to my knees. I reach out and touch his cheek. He doesn't respond at all; he just looks at me.
He really is unresponsive.
“What's going on?” I ask. Something must be wrong. What's happened to him – right under my nose? What is wrong with him? What is it that I don't see?
He looks down at my mouth.
“Gerard?” I ask, more persistently. I'm starting to get beyond worried. Something is seriously wrong. He's cracked.
“Is it the stress? Do you have too much work to do? You need a vacation, don't you?” The last is more of a statement than a question, and I chose to turn said statement into action.

-----

After I've dried Gerard up, given him some warm clothes to put on and hung his clothes up to dry, I go into the kitchen and grab the phone. I find Gerard's work number on the fridge and dial it.

“Jasper Illustrations, how may I help you?” a woman asks.

“The chief of the coloring department, please?” I ask, not knowing the guy's name and not really caring. All I need to do is tell him that he has put too much pressure on Gerard, and then that Gerard is taking a week off to recover from stress. I hope that's enough.

“Jan Barker,” he announces.

“Yes, hello. This is Frank Iero, Gerard Way's partner.” I have no idea if Gerard's told his boss that we're partners and not just 'roommates' or something, but now; I am.
“I would just like to say that Gerard will be taking a week off. You've put way too much pressure on him lately.” My voice is harsh and judgmental – just as intended.

“What?”

“He's too stressed. He cracked today,” I say, perhaps a bit harsher than before. I might've yelled a bit.

“Yes, I understand that he cracked, but it can't possibly be from stress.”

“Excuse me?” I say, insulted as fuck.

“I haven't given him so many tasks lately. He hasn't met his deadlines for the past two weeks, so I gave him less to do.”
I frown.
“I have noticed that something isn't how it should be. I called him in for a talk last week, but he said everything was fine.”
He never told me that.
“But I agree with you; he should take a week off and then consider if he really wants to return to work here. He's welcome, but he needs to meet his deadlines, otherwise, we have to replace him.”
I look down in shame. The voice of Gerard's boss is obviously genuine, even over the phone.

“I'm sorry,” I say weakly – apologetic.
“I'm sorry for the outburst. I'm just worried.”
Why hasn't Gerard talked to me about all of this?

“It's understandable.”
I sigh silently.

“Thank you,” I say, trying to think of anything else to say, but coming up short.
“Bye.”

“Bye.”

-----

After having sat in the kitchen for a few minutes, I go into the bedroom. Gerard is sitting on the bed, butt naked.
What is wrong with him?
He looks up at me and smiles.
I can't smile back. I love him to death, but I can't smile back. Despite what looks like a genuine smile spread across his face, I can still see all the tiredness in his eyes.

“Let's go to sleep,” Gerard suddenly says, wiping the smile off his face and looking serious. Even though he hasn't gotten anything to eat or drink yet, I nod. He really needs to sleep.
I walk over to the bed and pull the duvet back. Gerard crawl underneath it and I pull it over him. He pushes it away again, though.
“You too,” he says. He sound like a child; something the old Gerard never did – the Gerard I fell in love with. Where is he?
Slowly, I crawl under the duvet with him and put my head on the pillow. Gerard wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. If it wasn't for his ribs, it would feel just like old times – which isn't longer than 3 weeks ago, I think.
I sigh against his chest.

For a long time, I just lie there. I stare at the wall and try to think about how to get Gerard back. I try to figure out what caused this, and how I can fix it. I try to figure out what's wrong with him.
But I come up short every time.
I sigh lightly and pull away from the now sleeping Gerard. My bladder has been complaining ever since I got home, and it doesn't wanna wait any longer.

“No, stay,” Gerard whines. I frown and look up at him.
Why is he awake?

“I thought you were asleep.”
Gerard smiles, and then shakes his head.

“I won't ever sleep.”
I frown deeply.

“What?”

“I stay awake all night to watch you sleep. I love watching you sleep. I won't ever sleep, because then I don't see you.”