I Can Feel A Hot One

The feeling of the bruise forming under my skin felt odd. This one would be bigger than the others. The blood would sit right under the surface.

I lay in a ball on the floor, the tears streaming softly, whimpers internal. And you stood over me.

Your angelic face so shocked. So confused.

How did that happen, your face read.

You starred at your hand as if it was something completely detached from your body.

I always wondered why people would stay.

Why they would come home to be abused. But I realized. Because the love was stronger, stronger than any hell you could put me through physically.

Or maybe that’s what I was telling myself to get through the night, day, minute, second.

Your eyes filled with tears, so shocked, so pained, so confused.

It was stupid. It’s always stupid.

Our arguments never make sense.

But your hand made sense. And it made sense to release your darker side at that moment.

But now you were just confused.

It’d almost be funny. If it wasn’t happening to me.

You choked out a noise. You broke the silence first.

"I’m so sorry." you rushed the words out.

But the feeling had already been released into the air like poison gas. And I was inhaling it.

The wood floors didn’t give as you fell to your knees, your arms wrapped like envelopes around me. And I let the indifference freeze on my face.

Because you always hated the face I made when I cried.

But I loved you.

And I knew that I didn’t want to let you see me like that.

You pulled me into your lap and held me like an injured doe. And I let you push the hair out of my eyes with the hand that caused the tears.

"Stupid, stupid, how could I be so stupid?" you asked yourself.

How could you let yourself stay with the one who cause you the most pain?
How could everyone not see that this was wrong?
How could I hide it so easily?

I starred at you empty eyed as you shook your head.

"Never again. Never again. Never." you mumbled. Mumbled like a prayer.

Like you had no control over yourself. Like the previous things didn’t matter.

That all that mattered was love.

"I need you. I love you. I need you." You said pressing my face to your chest.

I was your crutch until you found a new more sturdier one. One you could light with a match and exhale through your nose.

"I’m gonna go back to therapy. I need to go back to therapy." you said as tear drops splashed in my hair.

Your shirt smelt like weed. I couldn’t replace it if I tried.

"If you leave me I’ll kill myself. I love you so much." The words came out like smoke.

The front pocket of your shirt had a plastic baggy in it. But that didn’t matter right now, I guess.

Because you hadn’t held me like this in weeks.

I guess all it took was for you to hit me to see. To see that you loved me as much as I loved you.

"I won’t leave you." the words pressed the back of my teeth and forced their way out.

Your nose pressed to my hair as the soft sobs came out. Your body shook as I held you. And you held me. And I felt close to you.

I felt like I had buried a little piece of my heart in yours. I closed my eyes as you cried.

An image of you popped into my head. Your face twisted with absolute indifference. I winced and instantly repressed it.

Who would have known that your face would look like that three months from now?

Who would have known that I would give you my all and you would take it all away?

I guess all it took was for you to hit me to see that you loved me as much as I loved you. At least for a little while.