DaySleeper

Avid offers to walk me back inside after he finishes his cigarette. I accept, snubbing out mine on the ground before standing. He is taller than me, but not by too much.

I enter the kitchen and Mike gives me a look. I put my hands up. I am not supposed to be in here, seeing as I am not a volunteer. Avid raises his eyebrows. I shrug and move ahead of him, out into the dining hall, where I instantly move to help Ethel push the tables up against the walls so the kids can work off some steam before bed. I don’t see where Avid goes.

“He’s a charmer,” Ethel says, lifting the latch on the wheels of the table. I push.

“Huh?” I ask.

“Ave,” she says, “He’s charming.”

I shrug.

“He was nice enough,” I reply, pushing along with her. She nudges my arm.

“Go get ready for bed,” she says, “I don’t need help.”

I step back.

“You sure?”

“Of course,” she says, and waves me off. I head back towards wing D. Josiah is inside with Kyle, Alice is talking noisily to a girl named Rebecca. The rest of the room, all 11 other beds, is empty.

“Where did everyone go?” I ask. If I remember right, there were only eight beds empty before dinner.

“Valentines day came early,” Alice says. She continues to talk to Rebecca. I frown, before sliding my cigarettes out of my pocket, into my bag, and flopping down on the twin mattress.

“Jo,” Janelle calls, peeking her head in the door, “Bedtime, love.”

Josiah kisses Kyle’s chin, and then hugs my face. I blink rapidly when he pulls away.

“Night,” I say. Josiah smiles widely. Kyle laughs as he runs out of the room.

“He worships you,” Kyle says.

“Well, that can’t be healthy.” I mumble. Kyle snickers and I smirk. Rebecca pulls her shirt off to change and I look away pointedly.

“Don’t be a baby,” she laughs. I roll my eyes and stand to go to the adjoined bathroom to change. “Cade—” she begins, exasperated.

“Let him go,” Alice mutters, “You remember how it was.”

I turn a bit red before I close the door.

~~
I lay in bed, touching my wrist gingerly. I keep thinking about Kane.

I wonder if he’s okay. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he feels bad. I wonder if he’ll come looking for me here, if James doesn’t cover for me. I don’t know if I want him to or not.

On one hand, I want to know if he does love me. Because I love him. It hurts still.

On the other hand, I don’t trust myself to hear him say he loves me, and not go back to him.
I get out of bed slowly, and go into the bathroom. I run the water, and slide my fingers through my hair, pulling on the ends in frustration.

Why would I want to go back? How did I have the strength to leave when I was 16, but now I can’t, nearly four years later? What is wrong with me?

I yank particularly hard and relish the watering of my eyes.

What is wrong with me?

~~
I wake up very early the next morning. I instantly join Ethel, moving the tables back into place for breakfast. I silence her with one look. She smiles and we continue our work. Avid joins us a few minutes later, and Ethel sends me off the wake everyone up. I have to go through each wing, waking everyone up. The women have to go to work, or go looking for work. The kids go to school. I am the only man here, not staying here because my mom’s here. It’s kind of embarrassing. No one says anything, but I see some people look at me sometimes. It’s basically like wearing a rainbow at all times. They know I am gay, and while I don’t mind people knowing, I’d like to reserve the right to come out. That didn’t work out here.

I go to c wing first. Josiah is out of bed instantly at the sight of me, and I wave to Janelle as she wakes up. He takes my hand to come with me, and she waves us off, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“Piggyback ride?” Josiah asks.

“Okay,” I say, lifting him up onto my back. “Don’t squeeze my neck too hard, bro,” I remind him. He loosens his grip and we’re on our way, waking everyone else up. Alice throws a pillow in our direction, howling. Josiah lets go and falls off my back, landing on his feet and running to Kyle. I throw the pillow back to Alice and head back out to the dining hall, taking a plate of pancakes. Alice and Kyle join me a moment later.

Alice watches me eat. I stare openly at her. Kyle wrings his hands. Mike joins us a moment later, having finished serving, apparently.

“Thanks again for the help last night, Cade,” Mike says, taking a huge bite of food.

“Erm,” I say, taking a drink of water, “No worries?”

He smiles and then drags Alice’s attention away from me. I mash up the food on my plate in peace.

“Okay, the school bus will be here for elementary in two minutes! Line up!” Ethel calls. The kids topple over their seats and kiss their moms goodbye. I look at the clock. I have no idea where the last 15 minutes went. I look down at my destroyed food and sigh, dropping my fork into it.

Alice and Mike continue talking animatedly. I stand to throw my food away and get another glass of water. Josiah is already finished eating, I guess, since I see him running with a little girl to the playroom. I grab a glass of water and sneak through the kitchen to the alley for a cigarette. I step out into the cold morning and jump a bit.

“Oh, sorry,” I say, stepping back. Avid waves my apology off and pats the crate next to him. I sink down into the makeshift seat as he offers me his lighter. I accept it and light my cigarette quickly.

“Is breakfast done?” he asks me.

“Mostly,” I reply, “Elementary is on the bus by now.”

He nods and takes another drag.

“Who’s that little boy that’s always with you? Related?” he asks me.

“No,” I laugh, “He just likes me. I guess. Kyle’s his brother. They’re good kids.”

“Most kids here are,” he laughs.

“I didn’t notice,” I admit, “But they really are.”

He smiles.

“I hate smoking in the cold,” he says, “I never know when I am done exhaling smoke.”

He demonstrates by puffing air into the sky. A cloud rises.

“I hate smoking,” I admit.

“Then why do you do it?”

“It’s comfortable.”

“I know what you mean.”