DaySleeper

I am completely taken aback on the fifth. As I sit out in the alley with Avid (who else, of course), we smoke a few cigarettes while the kids sleep and Alice joins them (not a joke). Mike is off for a few hours to go home and relax. It’s just us.

We talk a bit, about the kids, about people staying with us, about people we work with, about the city, about his mom, my mom. The kids will be asleep for a good two hours, usually, so we just sit here until Alice comes to get us. We get to talk a lot.

We’re sitting here, on our respective milk crates, which are always here, never moved.
I am saying something about my mom’s husband, the man who beat me out of my own home. I haven’t gotten to that bit before Avid is leaning towards me, listening intently. Somehow, at this awkward angle, our knees brush, and a jolt runs through me. I jump back. Avid does the same in response to my reaction. Adrenaline surges through my body, which I'm not expecting.

“Are you okay?” he asks. I feel my palms going clammy and my chest constricts.

“I feel—I—” I am rambling. I know it. I am suddenly completely aware of my thoughts, as if I am living in slow motion. I can practically see Kane above me. I kind of want to cry.
When his leg brushed mine, I was acutely aware of my attraction to him. And then I immediately thought he would hit me. Had he moved suddenly? I can’t remember.

“Cade?” he calls and I feel very dramatic and childish as I slouch backwards.

~~
I wake up very soon after blacking out and I am stretched out. My back is resting on the ground, and feels as if I may have cut it open on the way down. My legs are sprawled up and over the milk crate, and my chin is pushed to my chest, propped up from something behind me. I don’t care to look. Above me is Avid, face twisted in concern and I reach my hand up for help. He takes it and pulls me onto my feet. He begins to lead me inside, where he sits me on the floor of the kitchen and joins me.

I shrink away. He doesn’t seem to notice too much.

“What just happened?” he asks me. I shrug and ask for a glass of water. He gets me one quickly and I wonder when the kids will wake up.

We don’t talk anymore.

~~
I only come out to dinner because it’s mandatory. I don’t want to talk to Avid. I want to have a bit of time to process my thoughts before I have to talk to him again. I don’t want to humiliate myself again. God knows he’s probably straight. Not like I’ve been noticing that kind of thing lately, because I haven't.

Alice sits next to me, completely unaware to the fact that suddenly everything has changed.

From the outside, I guess this appears normal, Alice eating, me not, the room moving in fast forward around me, while I seem to freeze. From the inside, I am not leaving my food on my plate from sheer boredom, but from borderline nausea. I want to throw it away, forget about appeasing Maggie, who looms in the corner, but I will not look at her. Avid and her stand together, and I wonder if they’re talking about me. Then I feel presumptuous for even thinking they’d waste their time talking about me.

~~
I sit on the floor of the shower. The water beats into my back. It soothes the scratches there.

I shiver and begin to think.

What happened?

Our knees hit together, but I can't even remember if it was particularly forceful.

And then I looked at him, and it occurred to me that he's handsome, and handsome men have lately been beating me up, so I guess it makes sense.

Sarcasm. My face burns with shame even now.

“Cadence?” someone calls. Maggie. I turn off the water and stand on shaking legs, wrapping a towel around my body.

“Yeah?” I call back.

“Get dressed. We need to talk,” she yells back. I sigh, but do as she says, changing into my clothes I brought into the bathroom with me. I leave the room and she’s waiting for me.

“Come on,” she says, and I follow her outside, through the dining hall, and into the main office. She sits me down on the couch while she takes a seat in a chair against the wall. I look at the woman behind the desk, a lady who seems in her late fifties, and has a stern face. I glance at Maggie. She smiles reassuringly. I don’t feel better.

~~
Maggie will start monitoring my weight. She’ll get me an anti-depressant, paid for by the shelter. They want to see an improvement in me, or else I can’t stay here. I don’t mention the whole sudden terror factor to the black out. I let them think it wasn’t eating enough. I want to believe it.