DaySleeper

No one mentions last night, except for Alice, halfway through the day.

“Maybe you should talk to someone?” she suggests. “It doesn’t have to be me.”

“I don’t really want to talk,” I mutter. She bites her lip and nods.

“I love you,” she offers. I smile and nod. She smiles a bit more, for a fraction of a second until it falls away and she goes back to playing with the kids. I wonder where Josiah went. I wonder where Kyle was at breakfast. I ignore the sick feeling in my stomach.

Valentine’s day is only eight days away.

~~
I ask Ethel where they went. She sighs and shakes her head, as if to say “I am sorry, baby. We couldn’t save them.” I rush out of the building to walk as far away as I can right now. I want to scream. Why is life like this? Why do children have to go through this? Why didn’t she stay, if not for herself, then for her children?

I am two blocks away when a car horn beeps. I glance over to see Avid leaning over, looking at me.

“Heading home?” he asks. I stare at him.

“Of course not,” I reply. His face twists in a bit of confusion.

“Well, where are you going then? And why aren’t you wearing a jacket?” he asks as he parks.

“Janelle left. Kyle and Josiah are gone,” I say, “I couldn’t be there right now.”

“Get in,” he says, even though his face has fallen. I stare. “At least it’s warm,” he offers.

I get in.

“Listen, Cade,” he says, “No one expects you to be there all the time.”

“What?” I ask, staring at him. Where the fuck does he expect me to go?

“We’re volunteers,” he says, as if it’s obvious, “It’s great to give a lot of time, but you need to be home before me someday. I feel like a wimp leaving when the kids go to bed, with you staying.”

My mouth is dry.

Avid does not know I live there.

Avid thinks I am a volunteer.

Avid thinks I am normal.

“Yeah,” I say, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth, “I just… I want to be there.”

“Well, since you aren’t there now,” he says, “Why don’t I take you home. Take the day off. Alice and I can handle it. I was just running an errand before it was too dark out.”

I shake my head.

“No,” I say, “I—I promised Alice.”

~~
“Avid thinks I am a volunteer,” I whisper to Alice. Her eyes widen.

“Awkward,” she says.

“I didn’t have the heart to correct him,” I admit, “Please, please don’t tell him?”

She stares at me, eyes glaring slightly.

“You like him!” she whisper/screams. I hush her frantically. “Oh my god, that was the best guess ever!” she says, still gasping somehow.

“Shut up, Alice!” I demand. She quiets down and leans over the table to whisper more. Dinner goes on around us.

“I like him,” I admit, “But I am terrified of him.”

She seems confused.

“Not… not him. Just… guys, I guess,” I admit. Her mouth forms a perfect circle.

“I understand. I feel the same way sometimes,” she confides, “But Avid is so sweet!”

“I know he is,” I say, closing my eyes, “It has nothing to do with him.”

“He’d never hurt you,” she says.

“He’d never want me,” I reply.

~~
Valentine ’s Day is in five days. This place seems deserted. The children are mostly gone now. We have nothing to do. We play cards.

Alice is terrible. Her poker face is nonexistent, so I am tempted to not even allow her to refer to it as a poker face. It’s her regular face, while wearing sunglasses.

“This place is sad when it’s empty,” I mutter. Avid nods and makes that face he makes when he has a lot to say about something, but no way to say it. Alice sighs and says she misses the kids. Says she hopes they all come back. I nod in agreement.

“I want to make this happy,” Alice says, “Let’s have a Valentine’s Day dinner, just for the shelter. Because we all love each other… we can even have our own Valentines!”

“I don’t want a Valentine,” I object.

“Well, too bad,” Avid says, slapping Mike on the back, “it’s either you or Mike, and Mike’s married.”

“Pick Alice!” I say, dropping my cards to the table. Mike laughs.

“He’s too gay for that,” Mike says.

“I am all woman,” Alice winks, leaning into me.

“I know,” I remind her, pushing her away. Everyone stares at me. “Fine,” I mumble. Alice squeals. “But you all better have Valentine’s, whatever that entails.”

“Only sweet, passionate love making!” Alice cheers. I wince.

“I’d rather not,” I say. Mike stops laughing and Alice’s smile dims a bit. Avid laughs a bit louder. It brightens the mood. “I am going to get some water,” I say, standing. I count my steps into the kitchen. Thirty-eight steps.

I stand, leaning against the counter, drinking my water. The door opens and Avid peeks inside.

“Hey,” he says, entering.

“Hi,” I reply.

“Listen,” he says, “I am sorry if that made you uncomfortable. It was a joke. We don’t have to do it.”

I smile a bit.

“No,” I say, “It’ll make Alice happy.”

He nods.

“Are you straight?” he asks. I actually laugh.

“No,” I say.

“Thank god. That would have made that so much worse,” he says, but I don’t see how.