DaySleeper

I begin the next day with a visit to the scale with Maggie. I am not to know my weight, but she seems very displeased, and asks if I’ve been eating.

I tell her no.

“Please, baby,” she says, “Don’t make me send you away.”

~~
I imagine having to say goodbye to Josiah, make him lose something else he cares about, the entire time I sit at dinner. I manage to eat all the food in front of me, and I don’t mind throwing up so bad, even if it is two days in a row now, because at least I am trying.

I am trying.

Maggie rubs my back and tells me that I need to start out slower.

But I can’t imagine taking any more time to relearn eating. I push her away in frustration and lay under the covers until I fall asleep, after the entire shelter has quieted down dramatically.

~~
Avid asks why I don’t live in the volunteer house. I have no lie to tell him ready, so I say I am living with a friend.

“Rent free?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I reply.

He stays silent for a moment. “Not like… a boyfriend right?” he asks me.

“No,” I say, “Not like a boyfriend.”

He smiles at me and I feel terrible for stringing him along.

~~
It is the last day of February. We’re having a movie night in the shelter, during the time after dinner, and before bed. The kids are very excited, though none of us know what we’ll be watching yet.

Dinner has just begun now. Alice and I sit together, Kyle joining us halfway through, and Alice watches to make sure I only eat half. I glare at my plate.

“Do you know what we’ll be watching?” Kyle asks, shoveling food into his mouth. I shrug. I watch Kyle and Alice eat, next to each other, and so very similar in the way they eat. Avid sits down next to me. Kyle stops eating and looks at him.

“Hello,” he greets us.

“Hi,” Alice says with her mouth full. Kyle waves his fork. I smile at him and return to mashing the remainder of my food up.

“You’re cleaning that plate. It sucks to scrub that off,” Avid says, pulling me up and leading me towards the kitchen. I pull back.

“No,” I say, hoping Mike is not in there, just this once. He’s been giving me more and more of those annoyed looks for going in there. Avid ignores me and pulls me into the kitchen and pushes me lightly towards the sink. I stumble forward and stand facing the sink, praying Mike will not turn around and see it’s me.

Mike sighs loudly.

“Cadence?” he asks.

“Washing my plate,” I explain, meekly, begging god to please not let him remind me I am a resident right now, that I am not supposed to be in the kitchens.

“You know the rules,” Mike says.

“What are you talking about, Mike?” Avid asks, and I can hear the eye-roll in his voice. My heart is in my throat, and I stare at Mike. He looks between Avid and I, confusion blurring his features. Or maybe that’s my eyes. Maybe I am going blind as a punishment for being a liar.

“Residents aren’t supposed to be back here, Avid, you know that,” Mike says slowly and I look straight to my feet.

“What are you—” Avid says, and Mike’s eyes are wide when I stare at him.

“I’ll just leave you two…” Mike says, edging towards the door.

Avid stares at him, and then at the closed door.

“Avid,” I say. He looks at the floor where my feet are. “I'm sorry—”

“For what?” he asks, his eyes snapping up to meet mine. I lick my lips and glance around the room nervously.

“I lied to you…” I mumble.

“You live here.” He says.

I nod.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“I—I don’t know,” I admit.

“No, you do know,” he insists, “Tell me.”

I flinch back.

“I'm just… I'm just a liar, okay? I didn’t mean for it to go this far.”

“It’s not like we’re “that far”, Cadence,” he says, “It’s not like we were serious.”

I stare down at the ground, my eyebrows rising up as I close my mouth tightly.

“Yeah,” I say.

“You should go. I’ll finish for you,” he offers. I am struck by his distant manners, and my chest aches. I don’t look at him as I nod and pass by him for the door.

“Cadence?” he calls. I spin and look him in the eyes.

“Close the door on the way out?” he asks. I stare at him for a few moments before nodding jerkily and turning back around, exiting the room, and pulling the door closed. I glance up at Alice, and shrug in response to her confused expression. I begin to cross the room to Wing D as Jo grasps my ankle.

“Not now, Jo,” I tell him, pulling him off, “Go watch the movie with mommy. I’ll be there in a bit.”

He looks crestfallen, so I hug him and push him towards his mom.

“Go,” I say. He runs to her. I stand, catch Alice’s eye, look away and head for Wing D. I know what I’ll do. I just have to get there. I can do whatever I want there, just not here. Not in front of everyone. I am not freshly beaten. I am stronger now. I reach the door, wipe a tear hastily, and slip inside, thankful it’s empty. I pull my blanket off my bed, drag it with me to the one closet in the entire wing, and pull all the things out, making space on the floor. I throw the blanket inside and wrap it around me, curling in on myself as I pull the door closed.

I just need to be alone for awhile. For ever. I just need it to be pitch black right now, and I need to cry.

And I hate it all.

It’s not like we were serious.