DaySleeper

Jo is amazed by the brace. I tell him that an elephant ran past me and accidentally hurt my foot. He seems disgusted by this, so I assure him that the elephant carried me all the way to the hospital and made it okay. He makes elephant noises all during breakfast. Avid stares at me as I sit with Josiah and instruct him how to wave his arm like an elephant’s trunk.

I am the old Cadence today. I am unaffected by boys and I can hurt someone easily because I know what’s best. I am strong and distant, and people want me. The world spins right when I am this Cadence.

When Josiah trades me a pancake for my apple sauce, I am more than happy. I eat all three of my pancakes and even get Josiah extra chocolate milk.

Life is easier this way.

~~
Avid and I sit outside, smoking in near silence. For some reason, it is all very different, very suddenly. I knew it would be, but it is still surprising, in a very constricting way. I finish my cigarette quickly and fiddle with the next one in the pack. I can’t decide whether or not to smoke it, or escape this situation.

“Cade?” Avid says, and his voice is very small. I look up at him, following the line of his leg up his chest, until I stare into his face. He has put out his cigarette, and is biting his lip, watching his fingers in his lap.

“Yeah?” I ask, and he looks up at me suddenly.

He opens his mouth to speak. A scream from inside sounds and we jump to our feet. Avid reaches the door first, and throws it open. Smoke billows out and I choke on a lungful.

“Go around!” Avid cries, pushing me back. He dives inside as someone screams again and I follow him without hesitation. The smoke surrounds me instantly and I taste the fire. I can’t see Avid at all, and I fall to my knees, remembering that clean air should be down here. I begin to crawl through the clear level and see nothing but flames in here. I call out for anyone.

“Cadence?!” someone says meekly. I spin around as fast as I can and see Jo crouching next to the doorway as smoke billows out of the room as fire engulfs the walls. I scramble towards him and begin to pull him up, the brace on my leg making me move slower than usual. He cries and I don’t know why I was expecting a four year old boy to be brave enough to come with me while he sits in a burning building. I watch in horror as the flames spread over the back door and I pull Josiah into my arms and tell him to hold his breath and close his eyes. He does and I stand, cradling him to my chest, as I make my way quickly through the main door, the only exit left. Josiah clings to my shirt and my eyes water from all the smoke. I am already choking on the heavy smoke.

I am out the kitchen door. The fire seems to have spread easily through the buffet window, and fire is spilling out into the dining hall as smoke continues to fill the room. I trip over one row of seats and stumble for a few feet until I hear people calling our names. I try to call back but all I can do is cough. The smoke seems to pour from inside me as I continue to choke. I feel terribly dizzy. I duck below the slightly higher smoke line and move as fast as I can, still holding Josiah, praying he hasn’t breathed at all, and rush towards the front door. I pass Ethel’s window and stare at the empty space as it fills with smoke. We pass it and I push the door open. The sunshine hits us and someone pulls Josiah from my arms and I rub my eyes of the irritating soot. My shoulders are grabbed and I am pushed to the sidewalk. I open my eyes to try to see, but it’s blurred by the dusty material. My eyes water and I wipe the droplets from my face.

“I told you to go around,” Avid says.

“I was—” I try to explain and coughing overtakes me and I double over. I wipe my mouth and watch the black spread. I feel sick.

“The fire department is coming,” Avid assures me, “Don’t talk.”

I stare at the building, flames breaking through the roof, and voices begin to chorus what I am thinking.

What will we do?

I hear the sirens. Children are crying. I am crying. Or maybe that’s just water from my eyes. What’s the difference? I may as well be crying. I sure am choking enough, gasping enough, for it to count, I guess.

Through the blur, I can make out what appears to be all the children, Alice, Ethel, Mike, and a few moms who were still here today. I don’t know if we have everyone. I feel a strong pang of worry and I try to stand.

“Whoa,” Avid says, pulling back on me. I struggle away from him, a sincere fear spreading through me that someone is inside, burning to death, and I am sitting on a sidewalk. His hands pull back on me and I pull away and am half out and half gone and he grabs hard and I fall hard and I struggle. Hands hold me. People talk. I pull away again. Sirens pull up. I am lifted from the ground and carried across. I watch as it burns higher and I can swear people are screaming.

“He won’t stay still,” Avid is saying frantically, pushing his entire body against mine on the stretcher they have me on. I hear Josiah calling me and I try to roll out from under Avid. The paramedic grabs at me and straps me in. I struggle harder. “What’s happening?” Avid asks.

“The chemicals in the smoke sometimes do this. People can’t control their reactions. It will pass,” the blurry man assures, putting an oxygen mask on my face. I cough hard from the sudden rush of air and end up, bent over the side best I can with the restraints on, coughing up black and grey mucus. “Let’s get this guy going!” the EMT calls out and another man joins him in loading me on the ambulance.

I wonder if Avid will come along, but we’re off to quickly.

~~
I come to my senses after having a blood test and a round of medication. None of the children were hurt, and Avid and I share a room as he’s given oxygen for his blackened lungs. I decide to quit smoking in this bed.

Breathing is actually quite difficult. I tell a nurse this when she asks how we’re feeling. She makes a worried face and sends for the doctor.

~~
“We’ll have to intubate you. The chances of your throat swelling are great, and with the added mucus, we have to be careful to make sure you’ll have an open airway,” the doctor says to me. I feel my fingers tingle, worried.

“Will it hurt?” I ask him, my voice rasping, “How long will it stay in?”

“It will be uncomfortable,” he admits, “And we’ll most likely keep it in until we’re sure you can breathe okay on your own. It may be 24 hours, or more.”

“24 hours?” I ask, wringing my hands. He nods, making an apologetic face.

“I know,” he says, “But it’s better than maybe suffocating.”

I nod.

~~
Avid stares at me. The tube coming out of my mouth is annoying at most. I don’t feel much. We watch the news.

The fire is on there.

It’s mentioned that two people are in the hospital from the fire. I stare in horror as a photo appears of Avid and I. I want to gasp, but it’s kind of hard.

Avid looks at me.

“Will he come?”

I stare at him.

I am glad I can’t speak. I have no words.

~~
The next day, the doctors decide it would be best to leave the tube in another day. I am on edge all day, from how uncomfortable I am, and the thought that Kane will come. Avid doesn’t talk much. It’s strained. The IV in my arm itches half the time, and the tube going down my nose to feed me (gross) tickles when I flare my nostrils.

Maggie comes to see us around noon, and tells me that she personally complained to the news station that showed my face and they’re not airing it again. She seems furious at the entire thing. Avid and she complain about it for half the visit. I sit and listen. It’s not as if I can really have any input, honestly.

~~
I sleep through most of the rest of the day until Avid wakes me. He’s being let out, and says goodbye to me. I watch him leave, and take note of the time, 6:43 at night, and then fall back asleep.

~~
When I wake up again, the tube is taken out. My throat is sore and I spit up black mucus for quite awhile.

“Cadence?” a nurse says, poking her head in the door, “Someone from the shelter is here to see you.”

I nod and expect to see Maggie, or even Avid, or maybe Alice, who hasn’t been by yet. I watch the door open, and in walks Kane.

I want to scream, but my voice turns to a retching cough, and I bend over to spit into the bucket on the side of my bed. Why is my life so dramatic? My home just burned down, and I am still being punished for something. I must be. Why else would he be here to pull me back in? What did I deserve to endure this again?

And it hits me, right as he begins to rub my back and I cry as I cough violently. I hurt Avid, a man I had no business with in the first place, what with my whore-ish past and manipulative personality. I lied to him, and as punishment, I will choke out soot and be beaten again. I want to slap myself, make myself stop crying, because I’ve been earning it all this whole time, and I knew it.

“Baby,” Kane says, as if I never left. As if I never met someone else. As if he never starved me down to bones and hate. As if we were perfect again, if only a bit strained. I shrug his hand off me in sudden anger.

I have no right to be angry.

What did I expect?

We’re obviously meant to be.

He obviously cares for me.

He’s the one sitting with me, rubbing my back, thinking that he loves me.

Avid was a boy I kissed, and watched, and admired, and lied to, because it’s my nature. I was born spewing filth and I will die doing it, most likely with Kane, most likely with him twisting a knife in my stomach. I have stopped coughing now, but if I turn to look at Kane, it will make this real. I will go home with him once they let me out. He will love me still, I will pretend to love him, maybe learn to love him. We will get better than ever, and then I will ruin it again, and he’ll hit me, and I’ll blame him.

As if I have any right.

As if I have ever had any rights.

“What have you gotten into now, love?” Kane whispers into my ear and I shiver.

“N-nothing,” I reply.

“A likely story,” he chuckles, holding me tightly. We stay silent. “I missed you.”

I consider going with him. I realize it would be the best punishment for myself, but it would hurt Avid. I doubt he really feels anything for me, but part of me hops he does, and thinks that this would hurt him.

I have three doors.

Door one leads to Kane. Strong Kane, who will always love me, in a twisted way.

Door two leads to Avid. Sweet, smart Avid, who will always be here. My friend.

Door three leads nowhere. Blissful emptiness. The space where only I exist and it is simple.

“I fell in love,” I whisper. Kane stiffens against me.

“What?”

“A man at the shelter. I love him.”

“You choose him over me? I love you! He—No one would want anything to do with you!”

It stings.

“I know. I don’t choose him, and I don’t choose you. I want him, I can’t have him. I can have you, and I know it, but I don’t want you.” I tell him.

He shoves me hard from him as he stands and I lose my balance, tumbling from the bed, the tubes ripping from my body, all at once, all painful. I gasp, which turns into a coughing fit and I am bent over the bucket, spitting up the dark grey.

Kane takes a hold of my hair and I stare at the closed door instead of at him. He pulls my face up so he can look at me.

“You choose being alone over me? After all I’ve done for you?” he demands. I twist away from him.

“Done for me!?” I cry, my eyes watering from the pulling on my scalp. “You almost killed me!”

“I didn’t do anything you didn’t deserve!” he snaps, pulling my hair harder upwards. I grimace and bite my lip, nodding.

“I know,” I breathe. He glares hard at me and then slams his lips to mine. I feel like my skin might turn inside out, I am so disgusted. I twist my face away from his, quickly, the pain in my scalp making me cry out. He yanks me to him and pins me to the floor, straddling my hips and holding my hands down.

I feel like I can’t breathe, and my mind is going hazy, just as it had directly after I got out of the shelter. I stare up at the oxygen line, that was feeding clean oxygen in through my nose, as it lays on the blankets. My shoulders arch from the ground as my entire body contracts at once. I feel my eyes rolling back into my head as I hear the doctor warning Avid and I that the toxins could cause seizures at any time within the first few days. I black out with my fingernails digging into my palms.