DaySleeper

It is May.

The rebuilding effort is going well. The foundation has been relayed where necessary. Maggie is pleased with the effort. I wish it was done already. I want to go back and start sorting out my life.

Alice is doing well. She met a guy, but didn’t go out with him much. She wants to be sure she can make a good decision.

Avid and I have not spoken. Alice and Maggie have both said I am being silly about not calling him, but so is he. Even though I lied. And he did nothing.

I am a liar. What do they want?

~~
Rebecca’s due date is coming up. I want to be gone by then. I don’t belong here.

I talk to Maggie about this.

“She’ll need your help there, honey,” she tells me.

“I don’t want to ruin it,” I mumble.

“You will not. You’re great with kids,” she assures me. I sigh.

“When can I come back?”

“I’ll let you know.”

~~
Rebecca goes into labor five days early. We are the only ones home. I don’t have my driver’s license. She calls James as I get together all the baby bags they’ve had planned for months now. I am really weighed down, honestly.

I kick open the front door and stumble down the steps, the bags bouncing off my legs and sides. She turns to see me and laughs, clutching at her stomach. I ignore her and stand, waiting for James as she complains and pulls her hair. I stare at her.

~~
I fall asleep in the waiting room. I had no idea labor could take this long.

James wakes me up as he rushes into the room and yells for me. I jerk awake, sitting up instantly.

“I’m a dad!” James yells, pulling me up and spinning me around.

“James! I am not four anymore!” I cry, drowsy and slightly nauseous. He puts me down as quickly as he picked me up and I stare at him. My cousin, a dad.

“I’m so happy for you guys,” I say, and he smiles widely and hugs me.

“I’m glad you’re here for this. She loves you, you know,” he says into my hair. I look up at him.

“I’m glad I’m here too,” I agree.

“Come on,” he says, “I want you to meet him.”

~~
Warner weighs six pounds and two ounces. His eyes stay closed as I hold him, and he doesn’t wake up. Rebecca sleeps in her bed. James is nodding off in the corner. I am wide awake.

It sort of feels like I am holding pure potential, if that makes sense. In my arms is the rock, which when given the right amount of pressure and heat will transform into a diamond. I am holding someone with their entire lives ahead of them. It occurs to me that I was this way once. Before anyone knew I was gay, before anyone knew I would run away, before anyone thought I’d be where I am today. I was this way once.

I have to salvage the potential I still have.

~~
I don’t have a ride to the clinic. Rebecca is taking care of the baby, and James is at work. I call the clinic to let them know I will not be coming in after all.

“Well, that’s a shame, honey. Just come in next time, the usual time, if you can, okay?” the secretary says.

“Yes ma’am. And thank you,” I say. She says goodbye and hangs up the phone.

Rebecca calls for my help. I head up the stairs to the nursery and meet her and Warner inside. He lies on the changing table, wriggling and crying.

“Cadence, thank god—”

“I will not change his diaper.”

“Cadence—!”

“I love you, I love him, but hell no.”

She sighs, and pushes her hair out of her face.

“You look tired. And dirty.”

“I am,” she snaps.

I step forward after she’s changed his diaper, and pull her hands off him.

“Go take a shower. Sleep. I can watch him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go.”

She doesn’t argue again.

~~
Warner does not wake up once. He wriggles in his onesie as he sleeps in the crib, and I watch him for four hours while Rebecca sleeps.

She claims I got off easy.

~~
At my next therapy session, I speak to Mary about my revelation.

“I think that’s a really good connection to make. Very profound,” she says.

“I really think I need to go back now,” I reply.

“Well, I can’t stop you.”

“Would you tell me it’s a good idea to go, if I could?”

“Probably not,” she says after a long pause, “I think you need to recover a bit more, physically and emotionally before you’ll be ready to return to that situation.”

I don’t say anything. She sighs.

“Cadence,” she says. I look up at her from my fingers, which are clasping my shirt. I release the fabric. “I am not saying you’re not improving, because you are. I am just saying that as a health professional, I have to advise you to stay in a more… stable environment. We need to make sure you can balance more than three or four relationships without getting put back into an abusive situation.”

“Avid wouldn’t—”

“I am not saying he would. From what you’ve told me, I think he’s an honorable man. Based on that conclusion, he will not be with you while you’re unstable. I think he knows that it might do more harm than good. And if Avid rejects you, I want to know that you will not find yourself with another man like Kane.”

My throat tightens up.

“Okay,” I croak.

"You don't have to do whatever I say, you know," She says, "But I do think it's wise that you can see that an outsider's opinion could be valuable."

I nod.

“I’ll tell you the moment I think you’re ready. I promise.”