DaySleeper

It is June.

Warner is smiling, laughing, but still mostly making a mess and screaming.

Alice still calls often, and tells me about herself and Avid. She claims they miss me, but I can’t imagine it being true, from this point of view.

Maggie writes me e-mails every time any detail about the reconstruction changes. I think I might know more than some of the workers. The foundation is finished being fixed and they’ve begun to reframe the building. She says she hopes it will be fit to live in by the end of the summer. I can’t imagine having to wait that long. I will have been gone for six months by then. My chest aches at the thought.

~~
“I see your point. I really do. But I want to be happy. That place makes me happy. The people make me happy.”

“You have to depend on yourself sometimes,” Mary says. I stare at her.

“I know.”

“Could you be happy without Alice?”

“What?”

“Just answer.”

“I guess… I mean, I’d miss her, but I’d live.”

“And Maggie?”

“Same.”

“And James?”

“Yes.”

“And Rebecca?”

“Yes.”

“And Avid?”

“Yeah.”

“Cadence?”

“What?”

“You have to mean it. You have to learn to depend on yourself for happiness. Our relationships in life bring us happiness, but we have to be able to generate our own as well. You need a purpose.”

“I don’t know what I want to do.”

“Do you want to help people?”

I pause.

“Yes. I want to learn too, though.”

“Would that make you happy?”

“That’s a trick question,” I say. She smiles.

“It is,” she says, “What’s the trick?”

Something in my mind clicks. It’s as if I can feel the jammed gears pop back into place after years and it makes sense again, twirling around in my head.

“Well... Nothing will really make me happy. I have to choose what can make it possible for me to live a happy life.”

We sit in silence for a minute.

“Cadence?” she says.

“Yeah?”

“Whenever they have a place for you, let me know so I can give you a proper goodbye.”

I stare at her.

“You think it would be a good idea now?”

“Yes. You just felt that, didn’t you?”

“It clicked,” I mutter.

She smiles.

“Life does that sometimes.”

I smile at her.

~~
Rebecca hugs me when I tell her.

“I’ll miss you so much!” she cries, tears streaming down her cheeks. It’s the pregnancy hormones. Still.

“I am not going yet!” I assure her.

“But when you do! It could be any day! And I’ll have to be a real mom then! I am a terrible mother!” she sobs.

“Becca! You’re a great mom!” I say. She wipes her eyes, pulling away from me.

“I know,” she sighs, “Sorry. I got caught up.”

I laugh.

“Don’t laugh at me!” she cries, rushing from the room. I roll my eyes.

~~
I tell Alice about Mary’s blessings the next time she calls, three days later.

“YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME!” she screeches. I squeak a drop the phone. I scramble to grab it up.

“Don’t yell at me!” I scold her.

“You should have called me!” she retorts.

“Sorry?”

“Damn right you are!” she says.

“What difference does it make?”

“I gotta go!” she says, ignoring me, and hanging up.

So much for catching up.

~~
Two days later, Maggie calls me for the fifth time since I left. I am worried the moment I see the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Cadence?”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You usually e-mail me,” I reply.

“Alice told me your therapist gave you the OK to come back?”

“Yeah, she did,” I say, a strange sensation building up in my stomach.

“I have a plane ticket in the mail for you. You’ll be on a plane back here next week.”

“Maggie! You paid for it?!”

“Yes I did,” she says.

“You shouldn’t have!” I squeal.

“Well I wanted to,” she says, “Besides, we need you to help us out with the building.”

“Me? Building?”

“… Painting.”

“Okay,” I say, “Anything to get back there.”

“I thought you’d agree.”

I laugh.

I tell Rebecca and James at dinner. He congratulates me and Rebecca cries again. James grabs her up and holds her and she complains about the pregnancy messing up her hormones. She calms down quickly and pulls away from James to hug me.

“I can’t thank you guys enough for letting me stay here.”

“You’re family, kid,” James says.

“You’re family,” Rebecca assures.

~~
Mary is pleased to hear I am going back.

“Just remain on your medication. I’ll refer you to some people, unless you want to find someone there yourself, or if you feel you don’t need to continue seeing anyone?”

“I think I might be fine on my own now. But I know it’s a possibility if I start feeling bad again.”

“Good. It’s helpful to know what your limits are.”

~~
I hold Warner all morning while I shove my few things in my bag. It takes only two hours to pack up all my things, and it all fits into one suitcase. Rebecca is out, buying a few things. I don’t know why she did it today. I don’t say anything though, and just watch Warner for her. I pull my suitcase down the steps, and leave it at the bottom. I continue on into the living room and lay Warner down on the carpet. I kneel in front of him and play with him for a few minutes until the door opens and Rebecca comes in, her arms full of bags.

“Becca?”

“Help me, babe!”

I scoop up Warner and plop him down in his play pen, which he doesn't do much in but lay down. I grab the bags out of her arms and she drops the rest on the couch.

“What is all this?”

“Stuff for you,” she says.

“Rebecca! No!” I say.

“No, really. You helped me out so much the first month with Warner. You earned it.”

“You let me live here. Rent free.”

“You’re family,” she shrugs.

“I can’t accept this,” I say. She gives me a look.

“You’ll take what you like. You only own four shirts, honey,” she points out. I turn red.

“I like having four shirts.”

“Well, I only got you three more.”

“And what is the rest of it?”

“Socks and shoes and a few blankets and a set of sheets, and…”

“Rebecca. I have to rebuild my life on my own.”

She looks at me.

“Take the shirts and socks at least. All of your socks have holes in them!”

I laugh.

“Fine, but you’ll return the rest, okay?”

She smiles.

“Come on, pack it up. James will be here soon and then we’ll be dropping you at the airport.”