DaySleeper

The game turned into a disaster. Jade started taking her clothes off, insisting that we were playing strip poker, and got down to her bra and underwear before we started to let her win.
It started out nicely, just drinking the wine calmly and playing, and all of a sudden, we were all gone. Granted, it was cheap wine. But then everyone else started taking shots of harder stuff. The smell reminded me instantly, and I turned it down.

~~
Greg and Jade are making out forcefully on the couch. Matt and Avid are talking quietly. I sit, drinking more wine still. Finally Greg has to pee, so they break apart. Jade throws herself on me, kissing my cheek sloppily. I giggle drunkenly and push her away.

“Let’s make out,” she whines quietly.

“I don’t like girls,” I whisper. She pouts.

“Neither do Matt or Avid. I am stuck with Greg,” she moans, rolling off of me and onto the floor. Greg returns and helps her up. They stumble upstairs, and I hope that Jade passes out before they can fuck. I turn my head after they’ve disappeared and stare at Matt and Avid.

Avid is on top of Matt, kissing him forcefully. I bite my lip so hard that it begins to bleed instantly. I turn my face away and stand on shaking knees, before moving past them, to the kitchen. I grab my cigarettes off the counter and go outside.

I light a cigarette.

What did I expect him to do? Did I expect him to pine over me? He made it clear that it wouldn’t work out. He made it very clear when he tried to leave. Did I honestly think he’d wait forever for me to be better?

If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s him. Avid has always deserved happiness. I need to talk to someone. Too bad nobody is here. I rub my palms against my face and take a long drag.
I shouldn’t be here. My stomach clenches, empty but for alcohol.

I want to cry, but I don’t want to be a baby.

I mean, honestly, what did I really expect? A relationship? Well, that isn’t going to work out. Matt is normal. He’s funny and kind and he’s not too depressed to eat, and he doesn’t flinch when people move too quickly.

In some ways, I wish I was still with Kane. He loved me. Plus, I finally got to feel sorry for myself. I miss being allowed to feel that way, not that I actually let myself at the time.

I can still feel it sometimes. Sometimes, I am back there, cowering in the linen closet, imagining myself dying in a heap of towels as he destroys the walls around us.

My life has been one big self-destruct.

It really has.

I find it ironic. Kane beat me because he thought I was interested in other guys. Now that I am interested in someone else, they’re interested in other guys.

I am not much of a catch, anyways.

I can hear Mary’s voice, begging me to break the cycle, right now, to stop putting myself down, because I am a good, loved person, and no one believes half the stuff I think about myself.

I decide not to mention this to anyone. I don’t want them being mad at him. He deserves for people to love him.

I have finished the rest of this pack.

Fuck.

I rethink what I just though. It’s not like Avid has an obligation to me. He never did, and he never will. I know Alice will be furious with him. As for everyone else… I think they can see that he’s free to do what he wants. I think they’ll be happy for him.

I’ll fake it.

~~
I stare at Matt and Avid at breakfast the next day. My head is pounding, so I eat nothing. While Ethel is annoyed with me, it’s not because I am eating nothing. It’s because I got wasted last night and I am technically not allowed to even drink yet.

As for that, I don’t care.

Matt and Avid are whispering to each other. I want to rip my ears off.

Ethel sets down eggs in front of us for someone (though I have no idea who could eat right now). I feel my stomach twist, and I jump up from the table and go straight to the bathroom. I stay there long after I’ve stopped throwing up water and Tylenol.

~~
The morning is spent with all of us groaning, annoyed, and tired. Ethel will not let us go back to sleep. She wants us to suffer. Instead of suffering here, I decide to go meet up with Alice. She sounds excited to see me. We decide to go to the park, since we’re broke.

~~
While I promised myself that I would not, under any circumstances, bring up Avid and make a big deal about it, I do it anyways. Alice is, as predicted, furious. I remain seated, motionless, on my swing as she skids to a stop after hearing the news.

“Why are you mad?” I demand.

“Because! You’re fragile! And he’s being selfish.” She explains.

“Alice,” I sigh, “He doesn’t have to do anything for me. If Matt makes him happy, he should go for it. He’s a good guy, and you know it.”

“I know he’s a good guy,” she mutters, pushing her fingers through her hair, “It’s just… this time last year, he would have done anything for another person. And now he’s… he’s upset with you, and he’s letting it hurt you. When you didn’t really do anything wrong, in my opinion.”

“He’s upset with me?” I ask, finally looking at her.

“Yeah,” she says, staring at me.

“Why?” I ask. She sighs heavily, looking away from me.

“Cadence,” she starts. I can tell by her tone that she doesn’t want to tell me.

“Tell me,” I stop her.

She looks up at me.

“He’s upset because you didn’t stay,” she says. My face flushes.

“What? Why?!” I demand.

“Hon,” she quiets me. I calm myself. “You left, which you had to do, but he feels like you could have stayed here, in the house, with him.”

“It would have been wrong. I am not a volunteer.”

“With him,” she says. I look at her.

“Alice… When I said I had to leave, I didn’t mean I had to leave him… I—I don’t get it,” I say.

“He wanted you to stay, and when you insisted on leaving, he took that as you not wanting him. He was torn up for weeks.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“While you were away?”

I nod.

“It couldn’t have helped. I mean… You needed to get over everything before you could be with anyone. I knew that. You figured it out. I know he knew it too. I don’t know what he was thinking, testing you like that.”

I bite my lip.

“I think I should talk to him.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, “but don’t make a move if he’s with Matt. You’re better than that, babe.”

~~
I know Alice is right. I will not talk to him about an “us” until Matt is out of the picture… if he ever is. But I know I need to make it so we can at least be friends again. It’s like having my fingernails ripped off slowly, every day.

“Avid?” I say quietly when I get back. He looks up from the paper he’s reading.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk?” I ask him. He looks down at his paper, folds over the edge and nods. I sit down with him at the table, and wonder for a moment where everyone is.

He reads my mind.

“They went to pick up groceries.” I nod.

“I talked to Alice today about why you will not speak to me,” I say quietly.

“I am talking to you right now,” he mumbles. I make a slight face.

“You know what I mean,” I reply. He remains quiet now. “Anyways,” I say, “She said… that when I left, it hurt you.”

I look up at him. He’s staring straight at his paper, jaw set.

“I didn’t mean to. I had to leave. I had to get out of this town for awhile. Being away did me a lot of good.”

“I'm glad,” he says coldly.

“Avid,” I sigh. He doesn’t look up. I stare at the tabletop too. “I couldn’t have been with you then, if that’s what you had wanted. I needed serious help, and it was impossible to try to… heal, I guess, when I couldn’t think of myself for more than thirty seconds without straight away trying to think of ways to hide what was going on with me from you. I wanted you to think I was fine so badly. It just made it… worse.”

“That’s not my fault,” he says.

“I know,” I reply, “I didn’t say it was.”

“Might as well have,” he replies, finally looking at me.

“Why are you doing this? I am apologizing for something I didn’t even mean to do,” I mutter after a long silence. He rolls his eyes.

“You lied to me about living at the shelter and then you left me here,” he says. It stings.

“I left everything here. I had to. If I hadn’t have gone away, and really sought help, I’d be even worse off now,” I say. He doesn’t speak. “I am not trying to be with you, Avid. I am trying to be your friend.”

“You have to earn it.”

“What did I do to you?! I never tried to hurt you! I am sorry I lied to you, but it was nice having one person who didn’t look at me and know, or didn’t remember how beat up I was when I got here. I am sorry I lied, but I didn’t know what to do. How was I supposed to tell you? And then I had to leave you here for a few months while I tried to stop hating myself for letting some guy beat the shit out of me, for thinking that he loved me, so it was okay, for honestly believing that the broken bones were worth it, because while I was healing, he was a great boyfriend. I have to forgive myself, and I'm sorry I couldn’t do that when all I could think about was you. And now it’s obviously my fault that we don’t get along, because you’re upset that I abandoned you here, like the selfish prick I am.”

He is staring at me wide-eyed. I hadn’t realized I was out of my seat, pacing, and nearly yelling.

“When?” is all he asks.

“What?”

“When was this?”

“I left him for good in January.”

“Of this year?” he asks incredulously.

“No, of 1998,” I snap.

“I—I had assumed it was longer ago.”

“Why?” I ask him, crossing my arms over my chest.

“You seemed fine.”

“I weighed nothing.”

“I thought you had an eating disorder.”

“I'm depressed. I don’t want to be thin. I am over being thin. It hurts, and it makes me really cold. I just... couldn't bring myself to devote any effort to eating.”

“I'm sorry.”

“That I am cold?”

“That I am such a dick.”

We’re silent for a long moment.

“It’s okay. Everyone is.”

“Don’t hate Matt, okay?”

“He’s a nice guy. Why would I?”

“Dunno.”

“Are you dating?” I ask quietly. He stares at me.

“No.”

"Oh.”

“He asked me though.”

I smile weakly.

“What will you say?”

“Dunno.”

This is not what was supposed to happen.