DaySleeper

These past three weeks have been amazing. Christmas was beautiful. Kane got a small tree and I got more presents than I think I’ve ever gotten before. I made us dinner and Kane said that that, along with my devotion to him was enough.

He’s been gentle ever since. We went out for New Years to watch fireworks together. He didn’t drink, since I’d asked him, and it had been lovely.

Today, my doctor officially said the nose brace could come off. I’ve been taking it off for showers and such, though I am not sure I am supposed to, and putting it back on. I am not surprised to see the slight bend in it now. I don’t mind it. Kane says I still look beautiful, and kisses me. He’d been avoiding looking me in the face with it on, and now that he can again, I am relieved. Things are finally back to normal. Once my arm cast comes off, it will all be perfect. He promised. I promised to keep trying so hard at being faithful. He’d kissed me hard and thanked me.

“Would you like to go out tonight?” he asks. I nod and turn my head to kiss him.

“Where do you want to go?” I ask him. He shrugs.

“Let’s go get some dinner, yeah?” I nod.

“That sounds good,” I whisper. He smiles widely at me. I return it.

Maggie was wrong.

~~
The comments have started again.

I was about to order my food when Kane interrupted me and ordered me a salad.

“Babe,” I whine after the waiter leaves, “I'm hungry!”

He frowns.

“You’ve already gained like… what, five, ten pounds since you’ve been staying home? It’s getting kind of gross,” he says. I bite my lip.

“Oh, yeah,” I say, “You’re right.”

“I always am,” he says, and takes my hand. I drink my water quietly.

A spike of fear shoots through me that I may have spoken too soon. I really, really, hope not. I don’t think I could do it again.

~~
“Kane?” I whisper into the darkness.

“Yeah?” he whispers back.

“Uh,” I say, biting my lip, “Have I really gotten bigger?”

He sighs sadly.

“Yeah,” he says, “Good thing I love you anyways.”

I feel my eyes well up.

“Sorry,” I say, my voice cracking a little bit, “You—You deserve better.”

He sits up and hovers over me a bit. He wipes a tear away.

“Hey,” he says, “Shhh. I know I do, but I only want you.”

I start full on crying. I am not good enough. No wonder he gets so angry. He’s stuck with me.

“Cadence,” he soothes, “It’s okay. I love you. I am okay with settling.”

I turn away from him and bury my face in the pillow.

“I—I don’t want to lie to you,” he says, “I need you to be stronger than this. I deserve better from you.”

“I know!” I say, coughing. “I am sorry,” I say, “I’ll lose weight.”

He kisses my cheek.

“Thank god,” he whispers, a tone of sarcasm underneath, and lays back down. I follow suit and lay awake most of the night, pinching my stomach and legs.

~~
When I wake up at 11 the next morning, Kane gone and the doors and windows locked, I go into the bathroom and inspect my body. I make a face.

I walk up and down the stairs for three hours straight. My legs burn. It’s worth it. Kane’s worth it.

~~
Kane arrives home later than usual.

“Hey, babe,” I say, meeting him at the door. He doesn’t say anything. “Where were you?” I ask.

“Stop bothering me,” he snaps. My eyes widen and I nod, stepping back. He pushes past me, up the steps I obsessively climbed for three hours, and into our room. I don’t follow him. I sit at the kitchen table and wait for him to come back. When he does, he’s changed his clothes, and I watch as he heads for the door.

“Where are you going?” I ask him.

“SHUT UP,” he screams at me. I scramble from my chair and back to the wall. “Stop that!” he orders me.

“What?!” I ask frantically. He reaches me in four steps.

“Stop acting like you’re afraid of me,” he snaps, “I will not feel bad. You get what you deserve!”

I nod, praying to sink into the drywall.

This seems to anger him more. I wonder if he can hear my prayers.

“You’re so fucking useless,” he hisses into my ear. I stare over his shoulder, our chests pushed together suddenly. “You stay home all day, doing nothing, getting fat, and I work. I work for us, and you can’t just leave me alone for an hour when I get home?! I don’t ask a lot of you!”

I wince. What starts as whispers escalated so quickly into shouting that my ears ring.

“I'm sorry,” I say.

“You’re always sorry! You never fix anything!” he shouts, stepping back from me.

“I’ll try harder—” I begin to promise. He hits me hard across the face. I sink down the wall to the floor, clutching at my cheek.

“Why can’t you do anything right?!” he demands, towering over me.

“I—I try!” I stutter, “I swear, I try so hard for you. I lo—”

“SHUT UP!” he roars. I nod frantically, shoving my face into my hands. “You can’t just say you love me every time you fuck up! I always have to work for you to forgive me, and it’s all so fucking easy for you!”

Sobs wrack my body. Things were so good. Why is this happening? He pulls me up by my shirt and shoves me back into the wall. I can feel myself shaking.

“Why is it all so easy for you?” he asks me, voice level.

“I—I don’t know,” I say. If this is easy, then his life must be a fucking cake walk.

He shoves me sideways into the counter. I feel it dig roughly into my side, just under my ribcage, and a sharp pain hits me.

“I’ll be better,” I promise as he leaves.

~~
My side has bruised so darkly that I am quite worried for the next few days. It finally begins to fade, and nothing inside hurts too bad, so I return to my stair regiment and not eating. Kane hugs me when he gets home from work every day and is gentle every night and I think that all things are a process and we just hit a speed bump. He loves me. He tells me every day. I mean it, he means it, things will be better for always.